Feeling: unmotivated
As I mentioned last week, the husband is at reservist training for the Singapore Army. And it's a "high-key" training, meaning that he's in there for a longer period of time of 2 weeks as compared to other regular or low-key trainings.
I'm feeling terribly depressed at home without my better half around, and I'm just not feeling the motivation to get out and do things as much, with or without the bub.
I have some things lined up for the week, to try and fill in the huge space of time that I'll be lacking his company - meeting up with clients, meeting up with the new group of mummies that share EDDs with our #2... But I'm not very hyped out about things at all.
I keep thinking about how I'd probably have to bring the baby with me since I can't possibly leave him alone at home while I go out to do errands.. Or perhaps it's the inconvenience or worry that things will get too hairy - too many things to carry, all the logistics to juggle, and what if I need the extra pair of hands..
Mayhap I'm just being whiny. I DO have my mum's help for half of the week, but she's still at work every other day, and the bub DOES go to school giving me some free time to get things done at home too, but some reason I feel terribly crippled.
I'm just so used to the idea of doing things together with my husband that I feel incomplete without him around to share the load.
Or perhaps it's just being lazy.
In my credit, our restructured family unit for the week did make a trip out to Chinatown to get some Chinese New Year decorations.
Unlike at Christmas, when I was adamant that we couldn't put off getting decorations, we weren't as eager with Chinese New Year items so while we did stock up on baubles and wreaths and holly and reindeer before our big house renovation, we've got lots of new living spaces to play with now for lanterns and ingots and zodiac animals and new shrubbery!
(GOSH, some of the gifs for CNY are just so RACIST, shaking my head)
It wasn't quite as harrowing as I thought it would be since my mum came along to help me babywear the bub since I can't carry him for long periods now but we did come back after a couple of hours entirely tired and longing for a good rest, probably experienced for the better not to try going out to a crowded place like this, moreover over the festive period, by ourselves again.
That said, it seems like a weird comparison but while we are halfway through my hub being away, we are roughly halfway through the pregnancy too
And I'm reminded of the similarities because after our little jaunt to Chinatown during this Chinese New Year market peak, we (or rather I) declined to venture to another crowd just this weekend at one of the biggest baby fairs of the year at the Singapore Expo. Even though the husband managed to sneak a few hours our of camp due to the weekend.
Again, perhaps we're all just tired, but I think we really just didn't want to put ourselves into a situation where we would spend more money, get stressed with trying to navigate through a crowd, and after a week away from each other, we just wanted to spend time together as a family doing silly things.
It's a far cry from what I was like when we were pregnant with #1 though.
Ah, the good old days of being able to get uninterrupted sleep and being able to stay up late and play games on the computer without having to worry about sleep debt...
ahem
We used to diligently go to every one of the fairs, if even just to walk amongst the stalls and see what was up for sale, even if we had no intention of buying anything.
Having been to a great number of the fairs, I think we are well versed enough not to have to go to another to figure out what we need to purchase to prepare for our second baby on the way. That and we know which ones are worth skipping if you want certain items...
Granted that people are saying that you don't quite need as many brand new items for a second child, we figured that we would need to at least get new bottles and feeding equipment and a few sets of new clothes for the baby - heaven forbid everything be a hand-me-down.
We are actually really pleased that now we know we are having a boy,
Yay! A boy!
Besides the whole Chinese passing your family name down thing, (which shouldn't matter since we have a firstborn son already) we are pretty damn elated that we'll be able to save a great deal of cash from not having to purchase new clothes.
And as I've said time and time again, if we were having a girl, we'd be broke within the month, and not just by my undoing but my husband's as well - he's just as enamored by all the cutesy girl designs and prints that are available out there.
We actually have on many occasions agreed that if stuff like that comes in adult sizes, we'd be decked out in adult-sized kids' clothes for life - I for one would be very very happy to wear little girl tights and their cute dresses all day, err' day.
But moving on and back to topic, I don't know if you could say that we're feeling very unmotivated to do more for this second child.
You know how they say that parents are a lot more laid back and chilled out when it comes to their second time around at these life things.. Well, we can't deny how we're acting right now.
We're certainly not as on the ball about the prenatal classes or trying to find out things about having a baby, we're taking things one step at a time, and figuring that it won't be that difficult to do things the second time around.
We're not even too worried about the procedures that will happen during the delivery anymore either and hell, our stance is that since we opted for a c section the firs time around and there's a scar there already, why not just slice me open again this time round?
It does make me worried a little sometimes that I'm taking this second pregnancy a little bit more for granted, but reading back on some of my old posts, I recall that I wasn't very "into" my first pregnancy either. I needed a long time to work myself up into the parent mode and feel like I was truly a mom. I clung hard to the last vestiges of my singlehood and I guess since I've shed that mantle, there's nothing left but to embrace the inevitable.
I suppose I'm a lot more into it when the weight of the matter has sunk in. Inevitably, that'll happen when this second baby pops out into the world and I've no choice but to deal with having 2 kiddies running around my head.
I just hope and I pray that I will be able to devote myself as much to my #2 as I have to my first bub. I worry that my heart is unable to divide itself equally between my kids.
While I know there are definitely going to be instances where I'll favour one of them over the other, whether due to behaviour or personality or even for the pure fact that my firstborn will always be my firstborn, I hope that I'll be able to be fair.
I read recently on one of the mummies channels how some parents feel so in love with their first children that they've decided that they would like to maintain that balance of emotions in their family and focus all their resources, both monetary and emotional, on just one.
My hubs coming from a family with parents that had many, MANY siblings (7) on each side and being an only child himself, he has a bit of an idea what can go right and what can go wrong. And in any case, having more kids means exponentially more of whatever it is that you're getting, or missing out.
All that said, I hope that worrying about all of this will prepare me for what lies ahead. After all, I've yet to meet my second. I haven't even put them both together yet, and yet I'm worrying that I won't be able to find the love in my heart for the both of them - and that's silly.
Maybe that speaks of the love that's there before I even know it, hey?
Whatever it is, the journey's only halfway gone so we'll just have to take each step and milestone as it comes!
Keep praying for me and wish us luck that we'll be able to handle being a multiple-child household!
Pushing on,
Jess
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