The Ultimate Goal of Parenting: Discipline for Independence

Why did you have kids? Ok, I know, that’s a deep and complicated personal question to start off a blog post with; but, honestly, it’s something we all, as parents, need to ask ourselves. To make my intentions more clear, I’m going to restate the question. Did you have children so that you could hand feed them, bathe them, and change their diapers for the rest of your life? I will hazard a guess that this was not what you planned on when you decided to have kids. So what then is the ultimate goal of parenting?

I’m going to guess that eventually you planned on your child feeding themselves, dressing themselves, using the bathroom by themselves, and maybe, just maybe, leaving the house as an adult. That means that, for most of us, our final goal for our children is independence. There are, of course, some parents who make that sacrifice of love in caring for children with disabilities or other difficulties which make them unable to do these things for themselves, and I don’t want you to feel that this post is not applicable to you, because it is! The purpose of today’s post is helping kids reach their fullest potential, whatever that might look like.

So, if independence is the goal for our kids, then how do we help them get there? What is the ultimate goal of parenting? The answer is: discipline. Now again, let me clarify. When I say discipline, I don’t mean “punishment”, I mean “training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character” (for more on the difference between discipline and punishment see this post). In this sense, the word “discipline” is more akin to self-control and intrinsic motivation. This means that, without discipline, our children may know how to do something, but will not have the inner motivation to do the work. Or, they may know what not to do, but won’t have developed the restraint not to do it. This means our main goal as parents is to help our children develop self-discipline so they can successfully navigate life.

The question of how to do this is complicated and requires more than one post. Simply put, we must provide opportunities for our children to do as many things for themselves as is possible and, most importantly, age or ability appropriate. The intrinsic motivation piece is developed by making activities motivating for their own sake. This too must be modified to a child’s age and/or ability level. I am planning to do a series of posts on how to encourage independence in children at each developmental stage, so please keep an eye out for that in the future.

For now, begin by looking out for opportunities to let your child do things on their own. Playing on your child’s interests and strengths is always a good place to start. The more successes your child experiences, the more confident and open to challenges they will become. Just being successful all the time though will not prepare your child for adulthood. You’re not successful all the time, are you? If you’re anything like me, the answer is a resounding NO. This means then, that sometimes you must also let your child fail. If you give your child an opportunity and it proves to be too much for them, don’t try to force it. That will just turn them off to trying later. It will be more effective to modify the task or simply wait to reintroduce the task at a later time. Empathize with the feelings of frustration that might come with being unsuccessful, remind the child that there’s always tomorrow, and move on to something they can be successful at.

Start small, celebrate successes, and empathize with but don’t emphasize failure. Build from there and your child will be well on their way to being a successful adult so that you can have your house back. What? A mom can dream, can’t she?

Comments or questions? Leave them below. I’d love to chat about it!

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