Straight-line winds flaunt their prerogative to inflict horrific damage in a highly selective manner. Six months before my son was born, I watched a storm narrowly skirt our house to lay the neighbor's stout cedar fence flat on the ground. Triumphant, the wind nibbled on some roofing shingles, but hurried away at the sight of a convenient cottonwood stand. In the damp, cool gusts of the aftermath, my neighbor gifted me with the remains of that time-silvered fence. He wanted an open view; I wanted privacy.

"My son will see this."

I was fastidious in dissecting the proud, old fence: dog-ears, supports, braces. Soon after engineering the layout and alignment, I found myself in daily wrestling matches with a chattering, gas-powered post-hole digger. Some of the roots stood up against that mechanized beast, forcing me into hand-to-hand combat, cheek pressed to the soil, arm extended deep into a hole, finessing with a hand saw until the roots relented.

"I... want my son... to see this!"

My son was born with severely compromised vision. He is now functionally blind. He will never see my fence. My son has sensory and motor disabilities. If I want him to experience my fence at all, I have to adapt the fence. Even if I adapt the fence, I have to give my son the ability to approach it, the strength to reach out, and the coordination to touch it. Somehow, I must become the father he needs.

Medical challenges can find their way into anyone's life. The first stages of treatment are vital to a positive outcome. Fortunately, our natural patterns of behavior tend toward recovery. But men are doers. When there's a problem, we are driven toward action, often putting aside our personal needs. A positive outcome for the patient is vitally connected to the quality of support for the caregiver. Provide for your own basic needs, and your family gains the advantage. By the time it's all over, you will have chosen leadership in surviving as a caregiver. But arriving in good health will require taking care of your mind, your body, and your spirit.

--- Take Care of Your Mind ---
Learn. Learn about the medical decisions that you have to make. Overcome any resistance to asking directions. You'll find a detailed map of possible routes to the goal. Get used to asking the same question several times. Ask a doctor, and then ask a nurse. Ask a doctor, and then ask a different doctor. Always get a second – even a third – opinion. Ask for written information.

Learn that medical services are offered in a very competitive marketplace. Some physicians are principled, and will emphasize positive outcomes for each and every patient above all. Other physicians believe that promoting a highly visible career will benefit patients; they’re going for the averages.

As a caregiver, you can learn to recognize different medical philosophies, and choose for yourself. Become informed about the doctors and clinics around you. Internet searches can reveal what you need to know about any physician's schooling, credentials, board certifications, and background. The customer satisfaction surveys in regional magazines will not help you match a doctor to your needs. They are popularity polls.

We hesitate to challenge a physician. It's not an insult to ask doctors questions about their qualifications. In fact, the doctor you want is the one who will honestly share a realistic professional profile. When my son desperately needed surgery, the winning surgeon was the one who introduced himself by saying, “I try not to cut my patients if it can be avoided.” He happened to be at the top of the hierarchy in the Mayo Clinic.

--- Take Care of Your Body ---
If there is a medical crisis in your life, and you're the caregiver, get a physical for yourself right away. Tell your doctor what you are going through. Ask for an exercise routine that can be performed under time constraints. Ask about diet and supplements that can give you more resilience under stress and overexertion. Here are some essentials.

Make a simple health plan. Make it realistic, write it down, follow it, and tell other people about it. Those close to you will ask, “How's your plan going?” You'll feel an appropriate responsibility to them as well.

Social support is crucial to your health. I have a friend who got into the habit of drinking after work. Too much. It started affecting his health. One day, just as they were ordering at the bar, his friends interrupted, “Oh, he doesn't drink any more. Give him a soda.” He accepted the soda, and took it as an opportunity to stop drinking. He's still sober; still having a great time after work.

Start right away. Don't wait until there is a problem with your own health. Start with your most basic needs.

Breathe. OK, duh... I'm serious. National Institutes of Health (NIH) studies show that the stress of a newborn alters the parents’ breathing. You're in a crisis. The factors are unclear, the environment is unfamiliar, and the outcome is unknown. It produces some nasty chemicals in your body. Those chemicals change your breathing patterns, and it's not for the better. In primitive times it served a purpose – you could run away faster. You don't need to do that anymore. In fact, you are required to turn off your cell phone, keep quiet, and sit down in clinical settings. It all goes contrary to the alarms that are going off in your body. So breathe. Here are some tips.

There are specific breathing methods you can learn. Some of them will calm you down; others will give you more energy. For calming, take a long, deep inhale. Then just let go of all the muscle tension around your chest and let the breath rush out of you. It's like a very big sigh. When people sigh, they are trying to release tension.

Energy breathing is similar, but after the big inhalation, force the air out with a loud “HAH!”. Try not to disturb your neighbors.

Now you have the breathing techniques, but your main task is to remember to breathe when the chemical tide rises. Work on reminding yourself, but again, social support is the key. Make an agreement with those around you, and you'll all be breathing easier.

Stay hydrated. The air in medical buildings is notoriously dry, but water fountains are everywhere. Each time you see a water fountain, take three to five good gulps of water, even if you don't feel thirsty. Drink liquids that will hydrate you. Coffee and soda tend to dehydrate your tissues. Stick to water and sport hydration drinks.

Get some exercise every day. If you already have a routine, try to keep it. If that's not possible, alter it. But keep it organized. Start with some fundamentals. Write them down. Share your plan. If time is very limited, at least do your stretches. As more time opens up, add some weight-bearing exercise.

A little-known fact is that your bones generate electricity – the piezoelectric effect – under impact or weight-bearing exercise. This electricity stimulates your Central Nervous System (CNS), which benefits your whole body. For a person under stress and sleep deprivation, machines are safer than free weights. Don't push yourself. The idea is to maintain
your body, not to build it.

Look ahead. If you are going to be a caregiver who handles the physical transfer of your loved one, plan on developing strength in your abdominals, latissimus dorsii (“lats”), pectoral muscles (“pecs”), shoulders, neck, and groin (to discourage hernias). Learn safe lifting techniques. Using free weights can improve your balance and sense of space when you
lift. Always use your full range of motion, since your muscles may be challenged at their extremes in daily life.

As you find more time, add cardiovascular exercise to your day. Remember that the “cardio-” is important, and the “-vascular” is crucial. Caregiving involves too much sitting. Get up, move around, stand on your tiptoes, and stretch your arms up over your head. Avoid letting blood pool in your lower extremities, and reduce your chances of getting whacked by a blood clot.

So where can a caregiver go to take care of himself? The blazing lights and strict schedule of a hospital are hardly conducive to achieving inner balance. But any hospital can provide a quiet, private room to use as a retreat. Advocate for yourself. During one of our longer hospital stints, I negotiated my way into the physical rehab center for some very nice
workouts.

--- Take Care of Your Spirit ---
Keep a journal. Keeping a journal doesn't mean being a writer who generates volumes. Just write what’s on your mind. Try to write at the same time of day, every day. A few key words will do. For example, “surgery today”, “felt stressed, but hopeful”, “success!” Use your stretching time to focus inward. Stretching will help you both physically and spiritually. Make it a meditative time for yourself; time to relax, think, or pray.

I have become the father that my son needs. I help him walk to my fence. My fence has weathered more than ten years, but I have maintained it. It stands as strong as ever. I guide his hands to feel it. I teach him how to speak its name. I have become the father that my son needs by taking care of my mind, my body, and my spirit.

© 2008, by Philip A. Gonzales
All Rights Reserved.