Hi all I'm back! As promised I am going to start my series of information blogs to help parents ( and children, I got your backs too), negotiate this thing called parenting. It brings the most joy but can also bring out the worst in us in light of testing our patience, frustrating us when we don't know what to do, not to mention the anxiety we feel when we think we not getting it right or our child is not developing as we think they should. We might look around us at other parents and compare ourselves, secretly thinking - they got it all together - why am I struggling so much? I would say that secretly they don't have it all together either, and they are working just as hard at parenting as you are. They might be looking at you and thinking the same thing. As a parent it is important to know that you are the expert of your life - no-one lives it for you, you are the expert with your children - you are raising them, and you are doing the best you can with the knowledge you have.
So here starts the first important point of attachment. We often parent, consciously or unconsciously how we were parented. Our parenting is informed firstly by our own parenting that we received and by what we learn as we prepare for motherhood by reading books or listening to friends or what we find on Google. We also learn from what we see others do and often say to ourselves "I will never do that" or "I will never allow that". Ha, famous last words! I can bet almost every parent has caught themselves doing exactly that. Only once you become a parent will you understand why others before you have given in to those very things.
Lets get back to attachment and our parenting. Firstly, what is attachment? Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby, who some refer to as the father of attachment theory. After him came others like Mary Ainsworth building on his theory, however lets focus on his view for now. So according to him, attachment is "a lasting psychological connectedness between human beings". His was an evolutionary theory positing that "children come into the world biologically pre-programmed to form attachments with others, because this will help them to survive". He builds on the theory of Lorenz (1935), who studied the imprinting of ducklings saying that attachment was innate and necessary for survival.
Our early infanthood and the relationship that develops with the caregiver, will inform our relationships in adulthood. As a baby, we cry, mom comes feeds, checks diaper, makes sure baby is happy. Baby's needs are met and feels secure when needs are met consistently. According to Erikson's 8 stages of man, the first conflict to be resolved in the first 0-2 years is trust versus mistrust. Can I trust the world and those in the world. Attachment forms an important part of this. The child will learn to trust the parent who consistently meets their needs and consequently the world. Therefore the parent is safe and the world is safe so the child is secure. A baby who experiences that their needs are not met consistently, and lets remember needs are physical and emotional, will start to feel insecure in their world. They will not build a sense of trust in their caregiver or parent and consequently the world cannot be trusted. So we have an insecure child believing that the world is not a safe place. From this all sorts of insecurities can develop. These children often display anxiety in different settings, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, struggle in relationships and can develop co-dependency in relationships. This can lead to them being involved in relationships that are harmful to them later on. Research has shown that by as early as 18 months to 2 years, the neural pathway for adult relationships has already started to develop so it goes without saying how important the attachment relationship is in the first 2 years of life. Your child's "survival" in this world which also includes their optimal development has its beginning in early attachment.
It is important to bear in mind that the feeling of security or insecurity will start in the womb already. That unborn baby feels what we feel and will already start to have a sense of rejection or acceptance even as a small developing being. So I did say I would use my own experiences as an example, here is the first and I will leave you with this and hope that you will be back for more on this topic of attachment.
I did not have an easy pregnancy. Firstly, although we planned my daughter, I fell pregnant sooner than expected. So I did not feel quite ready yet for pregnancy. Secondly, I suffered terrible morning sickness and ended up in hospital on a drip, not being able to keep anything down. The nausea continued to my 8 month, I was not a happy camper. Needless to say, neither was my little developing daughter. Thirdly, I planned to give natural birth but after 20 hours of labor with only 4 cm of dilation, my placenta started to tear away and baby was in distress. So we had an emergency caesarean. It was all quite traumatic to me as a first time mom giving birth, remember I had 2 stepdaughters so had been practicing some parenting by then, successful or not. Fourthly, my daughter struggled to latch or maybe I struggled to get it right. The nurses tried help half heartedly but the whole experience was not pleasant. By the time I went home with her, we struggled every feeding time and then came the news she was a colic baby and her tummy valve was not fully functional yet so she was also a projectile vomiter. Every feed and in between was very stressful for me and for her. She never slept more than 10 minutes at a time and nights were quite bad as she woke up a lot crying. My husband worked away for the first 2 months only coming home weekends, so I did not have much help. He would often come home to me and baby crying.
Those years we did not have the internet with all its useful mommy tips for babies with colic or those struggling with breastfeeding. You had to struggle through trial and error and much good meaning advice that often just made you feel like a terrible parent. However we made it through this but my daughter never slept through until the age of around 2 years, having never developed a stable or consistent sleep rhythm due to the colic and often my ineptness. However she grew into a happy baby nevertheless, a bit whiny at times but otherwise a pleasure. I have to add it wasn't easy for me to leave her with others as she would cry a lot and often those who got the privilege of looking after her for a couple of hours would gladly give her back. So here would be the first signs of insecure attachment and what would later become anxiety.
Next time I will be addressing the different attachment styles and hopefully as a parent you will be able to identify your own attachment style and that of your child or children. Thanks for your time. Thats all for now, until next time!!