Living in fog & erasing personal history feels like CRAP

Due to some events in my life, yesterday I was thinking about the fog. That fog which was metaphorically mentioned in Carlos Castaneda books.

Here is one of the quotes:

“From now on you must simply show people whatever you care to show them, but without ever telling exactly how you've done it. You see, we only have two alternatives; we either take everything for sure and real, or we don't. If we follow the first, we end up bored to death with ourselves and with the world. If we follow the second and erase personal history, we create a fog around us, a very exciting and mysterious state in which nobody knows where the rabbit will pop out, not even ourselves.”

So, basically, it says in this quote and others that a warrior must live his life in such a way that he is never too sure about anything (which is true, by the way!), and that no one else can know for sure anything about themselves or others... Life is a great mystery and one must live it instead of looking for constant proofs, certainties, and reassurances about what is what, trying to make the world a less scarier and a more comfortable, predictable place.

In case you don’t know, I started with many things (Cabbala, esoteric writings, Buddhism, and even witchcraft!), but Castaneda’s stories especially gave lots of food for thought and practice. I am NOT a follower or a fan, and I do not consider him a guru. But - if you have a sharp mind and can dig through a multitude of influences, double meanings, control mechanisms, metaphors, and romanticisms... there are things worth trying.

Anyway... the fog. I’ve come to face the idea of the fog in reality and in practice. And I can say this: the FOG is hard. Sometimes it is psychologically unbearable.

It becomes especially difficult when it comes to things and attachments that we consider extremely important, extremely personal, intimate, irreplaceable, and necessary for survival itself.

I suspect that most of these horrific psychological and physical (yes, it manifests I the physical body!) reactions are generated by the human organism (biological conglomeration or organs, genetic material, etc.) itself because it suffers greatly and refuses to keep living in the absence of what it took for granted (as normal reality) and considered essential for years since it was born in the form of a social human being and indoctrinated in this particular physical reality.

To the organism, “fog” becomes a lie. And when it becomes a lie, it can take on nightmarish forms and restrain and mortify instead of open new paths.

How do you walk the way of the warrior (spiritual being, freedom seeker, etc.) and NOT go insane from lacking this comforting, reassuring confidence in anything and anyone at all?

I think it can be done by accepting the horrifying fact that THERE NEVER WAS ANY REASSURING CERTAINTY, and what we normally perceive as “normal” existence of anything is one of the many illusions and tricks of the human brain.

Entering the “fog state”, we don’t lose clarity that was supposedly there; instead, we lose all those illusions and fantasies about clarity... Illusions that are so presides and important to us that eliminating them feels like dying.
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