Oh I get it, you should see some of the notebooks full of thoughts like this, on what things mean etc, that I have :)

As for the weed- many years ago I had an issue with it similar to yours, smoking it all the time. I broke that habit by giving it up for a fair amount of time, a year at least. After that I never had a problem with it, and found I could use it as a tool if I wanted, or not use it if I wanted. I only mention this because it's really unfortunate if you never get the benefits of what it has to give because you're afraid of what it takes, of 'it' being in control. Just something to think about down the road.