I understand each of your words and I feel as if it were my case. I also suffer from depression. I started to suffer from this problem since my adolescence and over time it got worse until I became uncontrollable. I lost several years of my life mired in this problem, everything revolved around that problem and many people were hurt. After a while and with the support of my girlfriend went to a psychiatrist and I prescribed antidepressants plus other medications. I would say that the first week was good but after that everything was chaotic, until I became an empty person without feelings, they changed my medication but things did not improve. In the end I decided to stop the medications and started an internal struggle to overcome this problem. It has been a daily battle, with more complicated moments than others but after a long time I can say that I feel good. I have managed to express a lot of these feelings through drawings and writings, it has been the best way to drain and get ahead. I wish you good luck in this demon that torments us and remembers, you must never stop fighting. We are the owners of our mind and our feelings. Greetings.