A Song of Her and Him

Hey y'all!

Hope that you've been well, and that you'd like to read some more poetry! I'm back to my regular self-translating of my old teen poems from Macedonian to English.

This particular one was written in 2002, when I was in junior year in high school, a month or so before I turned seventeen.

From what I could interpret, it must have been inspired by a close friend's relationship with some guy. The way I wrote the original poem suggests that I must have considered him not a good (as in, far from perfect) match for her, but then again - not my circus, not my monkeys. But I'll be damned if I don't watch, huh.

Source

I can't remember if this was actually about her (my close friend), or about a relationship that one of my male classmates, also 17-ish at the time, had with a freshman/sophomore girl at the time, another mismatch (or so I thought at the time. Little did I know that they'd be doing each other for the ten years after that, getting all sorts of serious and breaking up and what not. Suffice it to say, last I had heard, they'd got married to different people.)

Anyhoo, back to the point.

I translated this poem of mine quite quickly, it wasn't that difficult, since, as you'll see, I later made two versions of the translations. The first version mirrors the original closely in terms of structure, whereas the second one is the same verses but organized into two sort-of-separate halves.

Have a look at version one:

A SONG OF HER AND HIM

He – a hunk of rock that blends in the background
She – the size of a grain of sand, big enough to heed her heart

He – a faithful copy of a mistake manufacturer
She – quick-footed and fast-paced, takes it all in stride

He – a thing eating a sprouting modernity
She – all but dark valleys and bright hills, terrains

He – something about apples, falling, trees
She – the patience of water distilled into being

He – the loudest, un-echoing voice used to speak
She – none of what she gives she gets in return

He – failed basic love and understanding
She – many a tempered word, few ways to utter

He – a strength becoming of a tower of cards
She – in a handkerchief, all her words in a handkerchief

He – a bell jar keeping spider webs intact
She – can see well beyond the eye of the needles

26 April 2002

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And here's version two:

A SONG OF HER AND HIM

A hunk of rock that blends in the background,
a faithful copy of a mistake manufacturer,
a thing eating a sprouting modernity –
something about apples, falling, trees –
the loudest, un-echoing voice used to speak.
Failed basic love and understanding:
a strength becoming of a tower of cards,
a bell jar keeping spider webs intact.

The size of a grain of sand, big enough to heed her heart;
quick-footed and fast-paced, takes it all in stride.
All but dark valleys and bright hills, terrains –
the patience of water distilled into being –
none of what she gives she gets in return.
Many a tempered word, few ways to utter:
in a handkerchief, all her words in a handkerchief
can see well beyond the eye of the needles.

26 April 2002

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So, it's the same verses, no change in anyway except the punctuation throughout the second version, which may contribute to a different feel if you choose to read it aloud, since the first one may not roll off the tongue as easily.

Which one should I go for as a final version?

Or should I scrap both versions and go for something third?

Thanks for your time!