searching

search for yourself.
let your sorrow out.
sing about it.
drown in it.
smear it in your face.
yell.
scream.
throw a tantrum.
i swear, it's for your own good.

it's much better than keeping it all inside of you or displacing it in other forms of toxic action.
one week of conflicting thoughts,
the discord between my perception and actions interrupting my daily functions.

i need to feel lost in order to find myself.
the relief of the burden has never felt better.

lack of appetite for life,
that's unusual.
everything seems to be the same all the time.
going out, eating in.
shop and bar-hop.
have our consumerism indulgences reached a peak?
where is the meaning?
i felt unsatisfied with the way things are.
getting calls to hit the clubs,
invitations to get fucked up...
and after a while,
they do not appeal to me in any sense whatsoever.

of course, we still need our dose of escapism once in a while.
as of late, i turn to cinema and books rather than alcohol and frivolous acts. i have what i need. love and companionship from a steady relationship. it requires a lot of work from both sides, just like taking care of a bonsai tree. it needs trimming, watering... constant maintenance. but just like the tree, when it blossoms, it's a really wonderful spectacle.