When You Can Not Be...

“When I can not speak,
When I can not think,
When I can not dream,
When I can not plan,
When I can not do,
When I can not see,
When I can not pursue,
When I can not contribute,
When I can not be the things that make me, me…

Who am I then? What am I then?”

You are more spirit.
You are more love.
You are more free.

“This isn’t reasonable!”
Good. Many things, which are reasonable to your mind, will never be radical to your soul. Listen to Me…

The world cannot teach you how to qualify your existence in this way. That is the point. Do not go looking to it for instruction or solace right now.

You’re charting an experience beyond…
the grasps of your mind,
the freedom of your body,
the rush of your ideas,
the security of your plans,
the escape of your dreams,
the control of your abilities,
the pride of your achievements,
the satisfaction of your agency.

Beyond…
doing,
going,
seeing,
touching,
planning,
producing,
executing.

Everything the world knows about what it means to be human is challenged for you right now. Gone, perhaps. How then, can the world teach you about such a thing? Learning and living this can only be the work and way of the things unseen…

Yet, here you are, dear person.
Here you still are.

You exist.
You still exist.

“So, then, what is this existence,” you wonder.

First, I will tell you what it is not.

This existence is not…
some test of character. Don’t confuse it for such. It is so much more. Character relies on mind and choice, but as mind and choice are revoked, core substance is revealed — not that you’re able to show what you’re made of, but that you may be shown what you’re made from.
Let it be revealed.
This is radical to your soul.

This existence is…
your life meeting itself further, and broader, and bigger, and deeper than the ways it’s ever known. The loss of your body is the sobriety of your soul. As you lose every chance at distraction while your flesh disorients, the enduring Spirit leaks into all the places that your mind and body once occupied.
Let it leak.
This is radical to your soul.

You are encountering what it means to have…
freedom by shackles.
love by void.
spirit by sorrow.
strength by weakness.
wholeness by brokenness.
expansion by contraction.
conquer by plunder.
life by death.

You see, these are the ways Divinity does Its most sacred work you, dear human: nothing ever wasted, for all pain can become medicine for the soul.

So while you’re away from the world, denied your control, unable to be “you,”
this is your existence. Your powerful, powerful, existence right inside of your powerlessness.

Do not mistake it for something else, or something less. The way the world knows suffering, and the way your body experiences it will challenge you in believing this is a powerful time. It feels like anything else.

But, listen to Me…
this existence is your spirit not only surviving what your flesh struggles to, but your spirit being led through wastelands by the Spirit of God himself to build a monastery from prison walls. Here is where you pray; here is where you lose all hope, yet find yourself somehow carried; here is where you can only lay every form of self-preservation in its rightful grave in order that you may give birth to knowing, deeply, the only real preservation you ever have: surrender.
This. This is radical to your soul.

This existence is…
Redemption within crucifixion.

So, listen to Me…
When you can not speak,
When you can not produce,
When you can not pursue,
When you can not think,
When you can not go,
When you can not do,
When you can not participate,
When you can not contribute,
When you can not be the things that make you, you…

You may wonder, “Who am I then? What am I then?”

I tell you,
You are more spirit.
You are more love.
You are more free.

In all devastation, you, My love, touch eternity.
This isn’t reasonable.
This is radical to your soul.

---

In solidarity with and awareness of those working unimaginably and effortlessly to heal from ME/CFS, chronic Lyme disease, and all forms of prolonged chronic illness.
You are seen. You are not alone.
#millionsmissing #healingtogether