Psych 101: Honoring Your Sexual Needs and Boundaries Within a Relationship

" The sexual aspect of any relationship can be a source of tension and frustration if either partner is afraid to speak up for his or her needs. Simmering conflicts within the realm of intimacy can easily spill over into other areas of your life if such disturbing influences aren’t identified and communicated. There are no hard rules to follow when trying to navigate this sensitive area, because each person will have to work within his or her own comfort zones. For some, there may be a need for clearer boundaries. On the other side of the spectrum, “playing it safe” all the time can make some people feel like their sexuality isn’t really being honored and taken seriously. 

 photo credit: Shameless scene 

Initiating sex, for starters, can be a vulnerable experience. We may second-guess ourselves, wondering whether we are being too forward – or too reserved. Sexual compatibility boils down to how well two partners mesh with each other with regards to their attitudes towards sex. Do they have common preferences when it comes to frequency, approach and what kinds of experimentation are welcome and what kinds are off-limits? Although many people can feel reticent when it comes to naming their desires, it helps to communicate such things. Many disappointments can be averted that way. 

 It can be a mistaken approach to always be passive in an attempt to “show respect” for another person’s boundaries. Such behavior may often be mistaken for a lack of attraction or willingness. It may indicate that it doesn’t feel safe for you to express your feelings openly in your relationship. Asking for what you want can feel vulnerable, but it is the only way to really be present with your partner in the moment. Unspoken desires have a way of morphing into disappointment and then into more serious frustration. We need to take our sexual needs seriously and not feel apologetic about them. 

 On the other hand, we also need to be respectful of a partner’s comfort zone. Some people need clearly understood boundaries in place in order to feel safe enough to express themselves and explore things in the intimate realm. Can you accommodate those boundaries without feeling like you’re holding yourself back at the same time? This is the delicate dance that can lead to a mutually happy love life. 

 We don’t do our relationships any kind of service by apologizing for our own sexual needs and desires or keeping them secret. In the end, such tactics only create simmering tensions that are bound to erupt sooner or later. Honesty and communication are the best tools we have to help us navigate through the delicate – and potentially very satisfying – terrain of intimacy. Speaking up about our own fantasies and wishes can open up new avenues to explore with our partners - and reduce the risk that hidden disappointments may one day rise up and disrupt the harmony that we’ve tried so hard to cultivate within our relationships. "

Moving these articles to my main Psych 101: Account for better management. 

Yes,  This article is mine.