To be a mistress

From the author: The theme of love triangles is emotionally charged. My article can cause different reactions. I do not aspire to condemn or justify anyone. My task is to try to see the situation a little wider, without a strong emotion.

The theme of love triangles is addictive. It's easy to lose your head, trying to understand the rehearsals of life's dramas and sufferings. In fact, everything is both simpler and more complicated. It's easier in the sense that nobody is the worst in this triangle. It is more difficult that all the blame and responsibility for this situation should be divided into three, and this is not so simple. In order not to go into ranting about who is to blame and what to do, I want to consider this triangle on the one hand. And this side is a mistress.

In this post I will write about women.

For myself, women-lovers, I divide into:

1. Those who withdraw men. Consciously. I want this man - I take this man. Wife is not a pillar. From the side it seems that they do not suffer from conscience, they do only what they want. A sort of Allegro "Hijacker." Dangerous predator.

2. Those who are seduced by insidious married men. They are told: I love only you, and with her I am because of children, mortgages, work in her father's firm and so on and so forth. These girls from the outside look like victims of circumstances. I fell in love with naivety and believe and wait.

3. Those who knowingly choose the role of the kept woman. For them it's work. They know how to negotiate with themselves, men, and perhaps even their wives. I will not touch them in this article. I do not pretend to omniscience and absolute truth, and the topic, you know, is very difficult, but I'll try at least a little to uncover the not always obvious veil of suffering of these women.

I. A woman who leads

At first glance, she looks confident, having achieved her goal, a successful woman. Such, in general, and I want to hate. They say, the muzhik has taken away, has broken family. What kind of suffering can she have, you ask? And such that this woman won her mother.

Remember, Freud, the Elektra Complex.

After all, entering into competition with a strange wife, we are unconsciously competing with our mother. And if a strange husband still remains with you, then what to do about it? Incest? Mentally it happens. And this woman begins to suffer, firstly, because she can not build a relationship with some other man, free, independent. And secondly, she begins to unconsciously castrate this very "gone" husband. In his address, accusations can be poured about and without. Or he is beginning to suspect that he "walks to the left," and leaves in the end, because she did it with her. And these women can be both young, decided to try everything in this life. And women for ... Maybe because the other was not on the horizon, and the biological clock is ticking. Maybe from ignorance of one's own desires and needs. Nevertheless, the cases when a woman is happy in such relationships is not very much.

II. Those who are seduced by insidious married men

"We met at work. He began to pay attention to me. Courted. I drove home. Then I found out that he was married, but he said that everything was over with his wife. That he loves me. I believed it. "

Here is one of the typical stories of such women. She can cause, like sympathy, a poor girl, that's stuck; and indignation and condemnation: "How so, you need to run, what kind of fool are you building? Probably, I knew everything, especially wanted to take the man away. "So sit in this ambivalence. On the one hand, such a woman feels necessary, beloved, because she - saves him from" this ". And on the other hand, he goes to her in the evenings and weekends, and she hides from everyone. Far from it, there is a spark of hope that one day will come and he will come to me forever, he will be with me.

Time goes by, but this very day does not come.

And somehow it is already hard to believe that it will come, but everything goes like a rolled-up, and it's almost impossible to leave. Besides this obvious trap, which, of course, causes suffering. There is still a feeling of worthlessness, I'm worse than ... There is a lot of shame, but suddenly relatives will find out - they will condemn.

There is an insult that deceived that did not protect. Behind all this, the first unsuccessful experience of relations can be hidden. Perhaps it was the pope, who did not protect, did not help, did not like, but only said what should be. And here's the sequel, you need to earn it (already a daddy's substitute) love, to become a little better, more patient, sexier.

Perhaps the first man, again, very disparagingly reacted to the still fragile female psyche. Both of these cases are very sad.

In many ways they seem hopeless. After all, one continuous inability to build a good dyadic relationship with a man who is not torn between families, but chooses you. It is a lot of shame to realize your position. All this can remain in the zone of the unconscious, not entirely understandable, but from this no less painful.

And, of course, all is not lost. It does not matter what you choose: stay in these relations or finish them.

It is important that they still have more fun than suffering.

Read the second part about it.

Author - Valentina Anisimova

Practicing psychologist, gestalt-therapist, specialist in work with dependencies.

Contacts:

• valentina-anisimova.ru
• Phone: 8-917-540-68-66
• E-mail: [email protected]