Based on my title, you might jump to the conclusion that I'm about to start writing about the "meddlesome busybodies" we often encounter on the road of life.
That would have been a pretty good guess, but actually I am not.
Well, not exactly.
Meet the "Pathologically Helpful"
What lies at the HEART of things?
Actually, I've been thinking about some really nice and helpful people I know... maybe you also know someone like this... they are almost always involved in "projects" to help make other people's lives easier and more enjoyable.
Somehow, in spite of a ridiculously busy schedule, they seem to always "have time" to help others with their problems, trials and tribulations. Even when it seems there's no possible way they could take on another thing, they cheerfully agree to do something.
Don't get me wrong-- they are authentically nice people, and they do tend to do a lot of good in the world.
So this is a "Problem," WHY?
I was having an email dialogue with a friend who loosely fits this description, and I came to realize that-- much as she helps make other people's lives perfect-- her own life is a total mess.
Purple clover
On prying a bit-- gently-- it became quite obvious that she was constantly putting her own dreams, hopes and desires "on hold" in service of others. I realized that she always wanted to write a book and start a center for teen mothers... but she's always sigh and say she was "too busy" to even think about it.
What's worse, below the helpful facade was a simmering resentment that nobody was stepping up and helping her in return.
A bit more prying, and it became increasingly clear that my friend was deliberately keeping herself "too busy" to ever "mind her OWN business." And there were lots of unaddressed issues there, not being looked at... ranging from paying late fees and facing shutoff notices on her own electric bill while paying someone else's bill "because they are really going through it."
There was also some "proxying out" of her own issues... avoiding dealing with her feelings about her own divorce by focusing on a friend's relationship issues, instead.
Martyring Yourself on the Cross of Selflessness
The biggest issue, however, was that of "non-reciprocity."
California Poppy
I asked her why she was helping so many people who seemed unwilling-- or unable-- to reciprocate.
It was difficult to get a straight answer, but it became pretty clear that some part of her being actually was enjoying being the "victim" of "selfish" people who didn't return the favors... I discovered this almost accidentally when it turned out she had actively turned away offers of help because she didn't want to "be beholden" to anyone, and it would make her relationships with those people "weird." This, in spite of the fact that her helping them did not make it "weird."
Her real "agenda" seemed to be to parade around her "selflessness" along with the right to complain that nobody else seemed helpful. And as long as she didn't actually receive reciprocal help she could leave her messy life and issues unexamined, and untouched.
Purple Columbines
It's funny, how we build fences to protect our own psychological constructs. We even go in search of "proof" that our beliefs about the world are "right" and engage in any number of behaviors to maintain that our perception of life is THE TRUTH.
I remember many moons ago, being very attached to the "reality" that I was so "different" from the world that I had no reasons to even LOOK for friendships because I already "knew" they wouldn't understand me. So "why bother." Of course, I was blind to examining my own unrealistic expectations of people...
Of course, we're not always ready to do deep and honest self-inquiry that'll help us work through the "buried holy cows" we're protecting. But it's an essential process, in order to reach a better and happier place in life.
Sooner or later, we have to deal with it!
How about YOU? Know anyone who's a chronic-- and authentically GOOD-- helper with other people's lives... and yer their own life is a mess? Do they turn down offers of help (sometimes for "odd" reasons)... and then complain about not having help? Do you recognize some of this behavior in yourself, even? Do you think it's possibly for us humans to actually BE "consistent?" Leave a comment-- share your experiences and feedback-- join the conversation!
(As usual, all text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is original content, created expressly for Steemit)
Published 20170707 17:59 PDT
Great story. Those who are so focused on service to others that they ignore their own lives have some issues indeed. You analyzed it well. They keep doing it so that they look good for dong good deeds, and then reject any attempts by others to help them in order to make it look like they are all alone, the only person who selflessly helps others and ignores their own life to help others... what a savior! LOL. Except they aren't the only ones offering help to others. She is busy protecting her self-image of being a martyr for selflessness. She has some wild excuses to keep that image afloat. She can keep making herself a victim and get the attention she wants of being that savior who just gives and never receives. A self-examined life is what she needs to start getting into as well ;)
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My wife and I were discussing this the other day-- she does a fair amount of life/spiritual coaching-- and she likes to use the term "narcissistic altruism." Lots of effort expended by someone to do (genuine!) "good" but it's not really for the purpose of how the "doing good" actually helps the world/recipient... but for the purpose of others noticing and "organizing a parade" for the giver so they can get public accolades for "what a great and selfless person they are." In other words, it's an ego-feed, not true altruism.
I have never seen it as my mission to change anyone's life... however, I'm OK with holding up a mirror and encouraging others to consider the reflection the see from a different perspective.
And I do like sharing stories!
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Another wonderful post @denmarkguy. I do just love the cool easy way you speak about these different findings. I would call this type of person a Nurturer. MY ultimate opposite. I find them overbearing for the most part. But for them it is a part of their nature to be a nurturer. I know many people with this archetype, mostly women, but also with this I see a lot of ANXIETY. Which is a heart thing. So ya, by "helping " others this person avoids there own issues. But for Nurturers it is alost compulsive. Now a Nurturer in power means their Heart is in balance. These are your Mother Theresa type people that are so full of love and compassion and actual selflessness because they are full. They overflow. To get there this person you know must first address her own healing. A broken person cannot help others heal to their max potential and can actually cause more harm in a lot of cases. Hopefully she can see this and figure it out. Thanks for the share. And take thee care!
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This is true in many ways. I have seen it with the mom of a friend of mine. She seems too able/willing to go out of her way to help people outside of her immediate family. This could be extended family or friends, meanwhile the internal family dynamic is highly stressed. It's like the urge to give what cannot be given at home, or is not accepted from her at home, is projected outward to satisfy that need. I try to skirt around it all, to me it is overbearing and uncomfortable to be around.
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Indeed! But for these kind of folk it is their process of how to deal, albeit super frustrating to someone like me who just gets things done and has massive reserves of energy when needed. It is hard when it is family. Example. MotherInLaw. Amazing lady, always has to be helping. "Did you get enough to eat" I hear four times during a meal. It does not stop there. She will ask my wife if I did later. Then be concerned about her asking and if I needed anything else. This is a mild example. But it digs and digs. Thank the almighty I have nearly mastered patience. Being in the field of energetic healing as well, these things can be brought up to people, in her case and mine. But people have to be willing and give themselves permission to heal. Until that happens its a constant loop really. THE VICTIM NOR THE PERPETRATOR WILL FIND HEAVEN. She has a beautiful soul and heart, but her hyper nurturing for the rest of the family is too much. Yet lately when she is here she is starting to heal. 11 hour drive away.
Said a great person. I have watched many heal, less die. Blessings!
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We may be describing the same person :-) I guess there are just those kind of people in life. I don't judge, I just roll with it - I'm a live and let live kind of person. I suppose in time, you're right, they have to allow themselves to find that peace and self-healing time. Thank you for taking the time to write back.
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Thanks for a great response! I think you hit it bang-on-- there's a difference between an empowered nurturer, and an unempowered nurturer like my friend who's clearly working with some old wounds. In retrospect, I think she also keeps a measure of control over her life by making herself "indispensable" to others... needs to feel needed, in order to feel like she has "value" although she'd vehemently deny that.
My wife is a nurturer, as well... but the difference between them could be summed up by a single word: "Discernment." My wife helps because it's simply "right action" to her... and she puts her help where it's genuinely useful.
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Discernment yes! To have such a wife empowered is amazing! Blessings to you and yours brother! My wifr is not inherently a nurturer but has been an utterly amazing empowered mother!
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Often those busy body type people are just hiding from their own issues. Of course, some are genuinely trying to help. Always an exception to the rule.
There are a plethora of ways to keep from dealing with your own issues besides this "helpful" behavior. I would know. I do it all the time. I'm aware of it most of the time too. My Issues are deep rooted from childhood trauma and a couple other things. Not easy to go there. Regardless of your issue(s), it is never easy to "go there. "
But, if you don't at least try to go there, you are engaging in a sort of self sabotage really. As my emotions allow, I have been "going there. " As a result, I am a better person to others. As it goes, you can't fully love and/or take care of another if you aren't doing so for yourself.
You've brought to light something I never really thought of though. And, that is the martre-dome these "givers" are putting on themselves. I have been a "victim" of non reciprocation many times in my life. But if i look back many of those i was helping, I was actually helping bevause i wanted to. They were always friends. But when I needed a shoulder to cry on, they were suddenly unavailable. Since reading and digesting your post, I know realize those people weren't capable of reciprocating the friendship i wanted and needed.
I never realized i was basically making a "victim" out of myself. This non reciprication I've received was so disheartening that i don't even try too hard to make friends anymore.
Your post has really opened my eyes to be careful who I give to mentally/physically/etc. ..Looking back and hindsight being the 20/20 that it is, I now see every last one of those people weren't capable of being what I needed. I was self sabotaging.
Now to move past that. Mental self improvement is certainly not always an easy task. ..rarely is
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Well @chelsea88, it sounds like you have awareness and that's a good step on the path to healing. If you know what your psychological "puzzle" is up to... that's half the game, right there.
Being helpful and altruistic is a fine thing, as long as you're doing it simply because it is "right action." When you are taking action from a place of inner knowing (as opposed to from any one of many insecurities) then you become one of those awesome people others just really want to be around. And you also develop a sort of inner intelligence that tells you when something is a little off-key. And it's really OK to feel disappointed if something nice you do for people doesn't seem to be appreciated... as long as you don't turn it into a "woe is me" party.
Of course, you're an HSP, so you experience both the good and bad more intensely... and I know many of "our kind" who just turn off seeking friendships because of lingering disappointments.
Indeed, true self-inquiry and development can be hard... and often brings us face-to-face with truths we'd just as well not look at. But it's worth-- possibly even essential-- to take it on.
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She is indeed is a selfless person but maybe she has a different set of that peculiarity with her values that we can't fully understand her being so kind that she sacrifices herself for other people's welfare.
Such people are rare and also needs a helping hand or their kindness might destroy them in the process.
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A few people are truly and deeply selfless... and you're quite right, they deserve support. But still, it might not be the best thing to go so far overboard your own life is a mess.
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Yes, anything in excess too is not good for that matter.
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@cryptopie got you a $0.01 @minnowbooster upgoat, nice! (Image: pixabay.com)
Want a boost? Click here to read more!
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@cryptopie got you a $0.11 @minnowbooster upgoat, nice! (Image: pixabay.com)
Want a boost? Click here to read more!
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enjoying being the "victim"
you got it. If they are the victim then they are NOT responsible for their situation.
It's always the fault of someone else.
The elites, the Rothchilds, the illuminati, or someone else.
NOT their fault though..they're GOOD PEOPLE.
Life is SO unfair.
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MOST people (sadly) want to avoid accountability.
Playing the victim is one way.
True victims are pretty rare... rarer than those who take it upon themselves to feel victimized.
P.S. Life simply IS. "Fair" or "Unfair" are labels we assign to things.
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Yup
Reality IS
Pretty much my answer to
"Who made the world"
and a dozen other theological questions.
don't care
IT IS
deal with it.
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100 percent upvote foor u!first one too! i bet ima make a ot of the curation from this post now!
ur posts are always winners!
Let me just add some relevant images!
This is the future of steemit once the AI take care of our businesses for us!
Denmark has been trolleed really hard first on Minecraft then on SOthPark!
troll trace!
haha this is some sort of Denmark Christmas Song about the danish royal family loosing the spirit of christmas an going over the history of denmark its so goofy!
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Wow! Can't believe you actually dug up that old video clip...
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I just remember a buddhist monk advice, "Be kindful or kind to right people, be wise when you giving help to other people, when you help them do not ask any favor, help them as you can". Nice posting. :)
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Wise words. We get to choose-- in most cases-- where we put our helpfulness.
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Well that title got me chuckling ☺️. But it's content is not remotely funny, actually it's quite sad and since my move almost three years ago, I have met a few people like the one you've mentioned. It's more of a cultural 'disease' here.
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For some, it may indeed be a sign of a greater socio-cultural illness... Some people end up having a great deal of their self worth tied up in whether other people perceive them as "helpful."
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good post
l like it
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I nominated your post here friend, it's the best blog I've read this week by far. Good luck!
https://steemit.com/steemvoter/@steemvoter/steemvoter-guild-nominate-a-friend-for-the-guild-vote-saturday-july-8#@abh12345/re-steemvoter-steemvoter-guild-nominate-a-friend-for-the-guild-vote-saturday-july-8-20170709t062955406z
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Yes, another great post!
Resteemed and bookmarked for when
I wake up!
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