BD was always a disorder which fascinated me through the complexity of its symptoms and because of the inner world created by it in those who have to live with it every day.
As the transactional analysis suggests there are 3 states of the ego: Parent-like, Adult-like and Child-like.
During one person’s existence, he/she can get into one of these three states, we can figure it out which one by analysing the specific behaviour, belonging to one of the states.
We can also talk about a ,,life scenario”, it’s a story created in childhood which is repeated by the adult and is followed unconsciously, even if the reality of the adult no longer matches the one of the child.
There is also the ,,life position" - the child in rapport with himself and others around him and there are 4 possibities as Berne (1975) suggests - ,,I am OK, you are OK" ,,I’m not OK,you are OK" ,,I am ok,you re not OK" ,,Im not OK,you re not OK"
What the scenario is:
Every human has a scenario made in childhood about how will he live, die and so on; and he carries this scenario in his mind everywhere, no matter where he goes.
It is a detalied story, a sum of the decisions of the child, based on feeling and not rationality, also influenced by external factors such as environment or messages from parents and upbringing.
Being an adult he keeps following this scenario unconsciously.
The bipolar disorder develops on the basis of three essential factors stemming from the parents:
-excessive pressure toward competition
-the importance of action in this manner: DO THAT/DON’T DO THAT
-lack of guidance and support of child’s actions and thoughts
- The child adapts in two ways: in the phase of the depression, he tries to isolate himself out of fear of failure (I’m not okay) and in the manic phase, the person feels the need to do something, to feel like he or she is valuable, actions which can lead to complete chaotic
This post is written for those in relationships with persons suffering from BD. There’s no point in enlisting the symptoms, because I’m sure there are enough articles on this.
To be with a person in such a situation is a constant struggle, especially in close family relationships or friendships and especially in love.
Our premise here is our desire to help. Herein lies the problem. By trying to help, most of the times we worsen the situation, because this is not a normal situation in which two people interact.
In my opinion, the first thing we can and should offer is space. They need constant space. We tend to get close to them, and give our 100%, and we end up rejected. We become frustrated because the effect of our action is exactly the opposite of what we would’ve expected. And this is how conflict, separation and need for space occur.
,,Why doesn’t s/he let me help him/her?” “Why isn’t anything I do good enough?”, “Am I even wanted?”
The help you are trying to offer must sometimes be given from afar. The attempt to be with such a person, even if with good intentions, can only confuse them. They can come to feel slightly handicapped as opposed to the others, even inferior, and the more we try to help, the more helpless they feel.
If you want to do good, do it from afar.
A particularly difficult moment is when these people realise the situation they’re in. Some live with this disorder for years without knowing why they feel this way, why they act this way. Others have revelations when they realise something is wrong, that something is happening right now and it seems to get worse with time. That’s when the light is switched on and that’s when they can have an episode. Such an episode manifests itself differently according to different people, either more intense or not. The help you are offering is obvious but only reminds this person of his/hers condition. That is why some people refuse to talk about it. Some feel ashamed, even though it’s not their fault they’re this way. Often they accuse themselves and their self-esteem is at a low level.
The most difficult is the romantic relationship, when one of the partners feels the need of constant closeness and the other doesn’t. What happens when one feels the need for space? You have to be patient, very patient. Questions arise, such as “Am I wanted here?” “Has he/she found something else?”, while the affected feels guilty for how he/she is treating their loved one.
(Painted by a patient with depression)
Feelings exist, but they are masked by depressions. The affected person suffers and struggles constantly. They have the desire to be “normal”, and they are disappointed when they realise that normalcy is nowhere to be found, and then they are exhausted because of this constant struggle. These people tend not to be very active, be fatigued or seem generally uninterested.
I spoke to a professor of mine about what can be done in such a situation for a close person suffering from BD and her answer was “Nothing”.
I refused to accept this, maybe I can’t do anything to cure him, but surely I can do something to make him feel better. Turns out, no. I realised that neither “healing” nor “better” exists. There is only the possibility of not creating more harm. Maybe it sounds dramatic, but that is the point. We have to learn how to behave with these people, because they are all around and they have a hard time integrating.
BD is an affection which gets worse with time. Their level of intensity varies. The best support we can offer is space. Also, care and love are appreciated, but from afar. Don’t try to get into the mind of a bipolar person, don’t try to understand them, try to accommodate and not have expectations, because everything is unpredictable. Today, the person may be here, happy to be with you and tomorrow, total isolation.