I want someone else's husband

Quite a common desire - what do you think? Let's see how it can be conditioned.

The first - and the most bottomless source of a strong desire to appropriate someone else's husband - to break up the couple before you - from childhood of course. The notorious Oedipus complex. Brilliantly described by Freud. At first the child lives with the full feeling that he is the master of the world. Gave a voice - fed. He gave a voice-they eliminated the discomfort of the wet diaper, or took it on the handles, or simply grumbled. "Mom is a part of me" - we live with this conviction for at least a year or two. Pope recognize - as part of his own world - the child begins with the year. But for three years it suddenly turns out that Papa is more of a mother's world. And that dad and mom were before me. And they have something to do without me - especially it becomes obvious when they start to leave the child alone for the night - and mom and dad sleep together. It is natural in development, but a very painful injury - to admit that you are hardly a master of the world. And that the world has its own, long before your appearance, history. In which you are none. And you do not have the opportunity to be the center of the universe, even for your most beloved people.

Of course, if development goes well, then this tragedy quickly ends, because the child - just from three years old - begins to develop the society - expanding and expanding the circle of communication. But in this trauma it is possible and to be fixed. If, for example, the world meets you hostilely over and over again. Or you are very, very scared at least somehow to try to separate from your primary family - and start out in search of new friends and relatives. Or the relationship in the family is very tense - and you have to do a lot of work to keep the fragile peace between the parents ... We have no task now to investigate all the possible reasons for fixing on the trauma of the Oedipus complex - yes it is impossible by definition. The most important thing for us is to find in ourselves this source - of course, in the adult age, completely unconscious - which feeds our search for couples with focusing on other people's husbands - or wives. It's almost impossible to determine how much passion for the Alien is of the oedipal, untimely in time, suffering. Here just the psychotherapy is good.

Even our elections themselves as partners of other people's husbands can feed elementary envy. That here - she - there is such a nice muzhchinka - and I have this - no. This - again from childhood - the desire to have the best toy in the sandbox. And then probably self-esteem directly depends on what - or who - I have. If I was able to take someone else's husband - then I'm better than my wife, left "in the fools." Although only time will tell who is really "stupid". The desire to feel better by appropriating yourself something or someone. Powerful development drive. But that's the trouble - we have to constantly compete - to strain - to control the situation - who has what, nice and necessary for himself, can be taken away. Or try to take away. It turns out, in, grew in her eyes. But it's more difficult with people than with things. Much more difficult. And how to count - your this person, and how much it yours? For example, he is with you - slept, or with pleasure became your lover - but in fact he is still married? A? What kind of victory is this? Yes, you own his attention, time, body - but at a time strictly determined by him.

And such situations are more and more provoking your passion for full possession of them. But if you could share this passion "to have" and really love for this particular man and the desire to live with him day in and day out - it would be easier to live in this "drama". After all, this eventually becomes a drama in the drama - the more a man resists abandoning his wife and healing a common family with you - the more you have a feeling that you are being used for free ... And that your time - to marry, give birth to children - is irretrievably gone. About the fact that it was originally your choice - to seduce someone else's husband - is already forgotten. The fact that your meetings - bright flashes of the holiday in a series of gray everyday life - has long ceased to please. "I want - I want - I want to!" - but would understand what this desire consists of? What is more in him - the desire to possess a foreign object attracted to you, involved in envy and greed, Oedipal anguish, persecuting you to this day, the passion to assert your self-esteem in this way? Or are you so afraid of close, long-term relationships that you choose initially unattainable objects? Then it might be better to tackle mountaineering? And scramble for yourself on inaccessible peaks - under the watchful eye of an experienced instructor? Is it possible that the idle?

Often we support ourselves in this frenzy of wanting to have the Stranger's belief that "the good have long been dismantled." Well, yes, consolation. Of course. Have you felt that in all my reasonings a man sounds more like an inanimate object? The prize? And if you thought that this is my feature - such an angle of consideration - you were mistaken. To many - unfortunately - it is peculiar to the Other to "objectify". To make a living person a symbol - satisfaction of one's ambitions for example. Or the acquisition of social status. Or a fetish of victory over their complexes and experiences. But in fact to live to you - it is with a living person. Who snores - itches - eats - and will sleep with you in one bed every day - from year to year. And you will have your own desires - their complexes - their ambitions. How much are you ready for this? How much do you really want this? Or is it struggle - the process of achieving the inaccessible - your drive and your goal ?! Then, alas, you will inevitably be disappointed ... Lisa from the fable is very fortunate that the grapes remained unattainable. Because most likely he would be really green. And imagine, how would it "flatten" if it - at the cost of titanic efforts - it would still be extracted and tasted? And he - sour? And you - in pursuit of your "grapes" - it seems, make a commitment to then eat them and only them for a very long time of their lives.

Why do men - already the husbands of their wives - join these games - this is a separate topic. Here I want to designate only this. Something that at first glance looks like innocent entertainment - distraction - prank - an easy adventure - can turn into very difficult emotions and experiences. Of course it can and "carry". And prank will remain a prank - to mutual pleasure of both sides. But if you met exactly with the "hunter" - then be ready for all the delights of the sensations of the "driven game" ...

That's what it seems important to say. We do not have responsibility for our desires. We can want at least the moon from the sky - it's our personal business - as long as the desire lives within us. Maybe we have some desires - life is decorated! And who cares about what exactly - or anyone specifically - I want. But when we start our desires - to fulfill - then just responsibility comes. After all, we begin to act. Search for options. To enter into relations with those from whom, it seems to us, the fulfillment of desire depends. It's certainly easier - with the incarnation - when your own desire is ... quite conscious. When you more or less accurately imagine yourself - why do you need to fulfill your dream. Then it's clearer how to reach the intended one, and in general - but whether the game is a candle. So that at this stage - "is it worth it?" It's better to orientate yourself, you can do this kind of thing. Imagine that your closest, most beloved friend - with whom you are friends sincerely and with pleasure, because she is you - now away and wrote you a letter here about this one's desire. For example, try to take away from the family of his married lover. With whom she has for some time "played a secret holiday for two." In love, that is. What would you answer her to such a letter? What would be advised, and what - advised against it? Sit down and write. If possible, imagining that you are writing to your beloved friend - and look at the situation from the outside. Maybe then you can see in this motivation something very little related to the "tender passion". Maybe you will "sober up" a little ... And stay yourself to desire fateful changes in secret, without life-ruining actions. For which - in any way - sooner or later have to answer...

In my opinion, "side" relations are often stabilized by "crisis" families. The reasons for the crisis can be as much as you like - the birth of a child, the discord at the work of one of the spouses, the inconsistency of the basic ideas "what is good and what is bad". To risk changing the family way, admit one's weakness, turn to a loved one for support is sometimes more frightening than taking a third-party "vent".

A "third-party" relationship and freshness are attached to some of life, and a sense of guilt breeds - before their "legal half." Which often very much even draws together. When it's to blame - even if it's secretly to blame - to approach the relationship more closely - to become more compassionate and softer - many truths are easier. And the wife begins to seem so sweet and dear - she picks herself up quietly with the children and in the kitchen - and does not know, poor thing, how I "burn my life" here. And you become home - a pay-boy. Or a pay-girl. Beauty! And when with a lover - with a lover - and quite sincerely there, too, rejoice - here it is - a bright saturation of passions and fireworks of feelings! Again - the beauty!

But on the other hand, an outside link helps to avoid real closeness with who you live with. And often it is the fear of absorption by relationships, the fear of rapprochement that pushes people into all sorts of "intrigues". And if you are the outward part of this triangle - namely, the "affair" - then it may be worth thinking about that even if your desire to completely misappropriate someone else's husband and come true - this person is hardly capable of a format of true intimacy. It's like a rumor - someone has a musical, and someone's bear ears trampled on. The pleasures of intimacy and love - genuine and profound pleasures - imply the presence of at least some sensory abilities - skills and the most important thing is the desire to feel the Other. In the middle - or even the minimum - range of emotions.

The first, superficial love is an explosion of emotions, an exacerbation of feelings, a spectacular firework of the idealization of the one who is now "targeted." But the older you become, the alas - the faster "shine and tinsel" cardboard holiday: "Again in love !!!" fade in the light of the reality of your "together." And the more the partner was idealized - and, as a result, overloaded with your own expectations - the faster he can slip to the opposite pole - absolutely depreciation ... And permanent - including family - relationships are every day with each other. Beside. Much - together. And of course you can "refresh" this everyday life with "the screams of the jungle and the splashes of champagne" even every day, but it is unlikely that the family structure will sustain such "shakes" ... Although if both partners have strong nerves and completely lacks a spiritual ear - then in the style of the "Italian family" you can at least spend the rest of your life...

But if you are still a person with a subtle spiritual organization, you will probably agree with me that life - basically - takes place in the zone of medium and small emotions. And this is good, because in addition to all these family and sensual pleasures in life there is still a lot of interesting things that can be enjoyed with pleasure. If there remain energy and strength - after family passions and fights.

Still there is one phenomenon of close relations. In this format, tension inevitably arises. Because two worlds with established habits, stereotypes of perception, behavior, senses meet and try to co-exist. And a pleasant tension - the tension of the desire of the Other - is very well placed in sex. In mutual traction. But by the law of conservation of energy - read the stability of the system (and any partnership is a system) - every action has its opposition. And if some traits and behavior of the partner attract you, then for sure there will be features and behavior that you will be repelled. Many were brought up in the notion that love is always just about attraction. Merging. Dissolution in each other. And when there is a completely natural desire for any human relations to move back - take a pause and increase the distance, get out of the confluence and close for some time your borders, feel yourself - separate, there can be tension.

Telling a loved one about what you are in it - or in it you admire much easier than that you are in it - in it - straining and annoying. After all, the relationship is very valuable. Suddenly, you say something like that, sharp - and the relationship - will break? And stop loving you - adore? Begin to keep silent, keep in yourself your negative comments and wishes that you think - and the tension grows and grows. And then an indirect connection can be a "discharge valve". How often lovers listen to each other: "My wife does not understand me at all! My husband is a satrap and a despot! "And if you ask - did she try to do something at all to make your wife understand you? And have you ever talked about your impression - despotism and "satrapy" - specifically to your husband? It is interesting that you will hear in response ... According to all the psychological laws of "acting out" the strains of one contact in others bring only the illusion of relief. And it is really possible to resolve the conflict and defuse the situation only at the place where this conflict has "charged up". Yes, this, of course, is risky - but it's worth it.

Still many are very afraid to get in dependence on attitudes with someone one. And then they come into close enough connection with another person in the unconscious hope that these "double" relations are insured against pain and disappointment. That if one is betrayed, one can be comforted with the second. That if one person leaves, then from loneliness and loss one can immediately take cover in the "double". Then the relationship with his mistress becomes a kind of insurance against trauma of abandonment. Yes, the complicated "Lounge" turns out to be cumbersome. And, of course, it is these very reasons - they are completely unconscious. From a basic distrust to life. And from high personal anxiety. Well, of uncertainty about their quality, of course.

A loyal partner - he, above all, is so true, that he can quite accept on faith his exclusivity and remarkableness for the Other. And even if such be some day and cease - then in any way the trauma of abandonment will survive. It's about the notorious "inner core". Instead of playing "Monkey in the kingdom of mirrors." This game is about those of us whose self-esteem is built solely from their reflections in the eyes of Others. So the poor, rushing, tries to reflect as much as possible in a larger number of stranger's eyes - strangers' hearts. And that or that, with the rod, does it quite differently. Of course, everyone wants to look the best in the eyes of the Other. But what is the price for this is ready to pay? This is the question ...

So that's it. I all this lead to the fact that a love relationship with a family man very often serves his relations in the family, paradoxically maintaining the balance of his family system. And of course he loves you - his mistress - lovingly (in the sense that you have his mistress for today - the only one) and gently. But this hardly means his willingness to break the family system existing in his "rear". Sometimes this exacerbates his feelings in the family and strengthens his marriage. So your maneuvers "wreck" him there - and marrying yourself can be fruitless. Not even because the wife is better than you, or that you are worse than your wife. And because this man is such a "triangle" is vital for the spiritual comfort and balanced stability of his family and sensual life.

About sex. I love the movie "Analyze this." Robert de Niro to the question of his psychoanalyst - and why do you mistress - honestly responsible - with it you can do what can not be done with his wife. And the truth is, why is it that it is much easier for an extraneous woman to admit to her "forbidden" sexual desires and fantasies than to her own wife. Maybe because there - initially - the format of a secret holiday - a shameful - shameless secret is given? Strange metamorphosis sometimes occurs after birth in a child's family. A wife - a beloved woman - becomes a mother. And somehow magically loses sexual attraction to her husband. It happens in some families, sometimes, but it happens. Can a new status - the mother - launch an unconscious program for the prohibition of incest? Who knows ... This is especially common in families where the husband was present during childbirth. But on the other hand I do not have reliable statistics, as far as it's true.

Just a few more words. When you are lovers you have absolutely no life. Scattered throughout the apartment unpaired socks, forgotten on the bedside table cups, cigarette butts in the most unexpected places, disputes who to unload the dishwasher or stylalki, who goes to walk your favorite dog, who again get up to screaming at night baby. You meet "facades". Saving the "backdoor" for his already proven life spouse. And life is a test. All the more or less adults already know this. Of course, if you have a house of fifteen rooms and a staff of servants, that's another matter. But if you are middle class, then life is significant. Really. Can make muddle, any, the most gentle "preludes." And seriously puzzle. And the heat of passion "falls off" from monotony. When day by day - about the same thing. That's exactly the face opposite. When you are strongly in love - and even "warmed up" by rivalry and other personal passions - you certainly think that here HE is the one with whom you are ready to live your whole life. But that this readiness to check reality - it would be good to at least six months together to live from day to day...

Author - Irina Lopatuhina

Psychologist, Gestalt therapist

Website: lopatuhina.ru