Violently Ill: Imagining a murderer

Is all aggression a product of a sick mind?

I have done many different uncomfortable thought experiments. They are uncomfortable because often I place my imaginary self in the midst of situations that are personally terrible. I do this to prepare my mind for the worst and simulate possible actions I may take. This is not necessarily because I think I may end up in these situations and Sometimes I attempt to put myself in the position of someone else. This is just to safely remove the sense of mental security I have.

For a long time, I have simulated scenarios in which I may be required to defend myself, someone I care about or a stranger to try to visualize what my actions and reactions may be. I have tried to imagine what it would take for me to take a life in self-defense and have so far been unsuccessful in imagining a scenario where I wouldn't do all in my power to preserve the life, even of the most heinous of person.

The problem with this is that my unwillingness (mental simulation wise at least) to use deadly force is likely to lead to mine or another's demise. If faced with someone intent on taking a life or without immediate control of their aggression, there is little someone as untrained as myself can do to restrain them. It would literally be fight or die and it would likely take all I have just to survive.

Let's say I choose death over taking a life. Even if it is me alone to pay the ultimate price, it doesn't really seem to help anyone that I have stuck to some kind of moral code. My family will still struggle, I cannot support my daughter's development, I cannot add anymore value directly to the world. It seems to be a life wasted.

If I am attempting to defend someone and fail because I am unwilling to take a life and lose my own in the process, then those I am defending are now in the same position as if I had not attempted to save them at all. It would have been more beneficial to walk away as at least I will survive. That doesn't seem like something I would do either though.

So, this leaves me with doing all I can to subdue the threat, even if it means to take their life. That way, the life that is taken is that of an aggressor, which many will agree is a better option than that of an innocent. This would mean not all life is of equal value though, wouldn't it?

But, this makes me want to then put myself in the place of the aggressor, the person who is intent on an attack. This is difficult for me to simulate as it is not a position I have ever taken. So I wonder, what would it take for me to want to kill. Not in self defense but in a first move. I know two murderers, one of which I got into a fight with and won (when I was eleven).

When this boy was eighteen, he held up and killed an attendant at a local service station and someone saw him do it. He was not an overly happy child and he came from a pretty hard home but, is that an excuse to take a life for a few hundred dollars? He was on the run for about a week before they caught him. Where did they catch him? Climbing over the fence of the eyewitness' home, he was going to murder him too.

The next, a girl I knew in Australia from another school. Straight A student, school captain of her school, a whole life ahead of her. I met her at an inter-school event and we got a long well, a really intelligent, funny and glowing girl. She stabbed her slightly younger brother to death with a kitchen knife at her 18th birthday party. Why, he wouldn't give her CD back. She had been drinking.

I also have a friend that was murdered when he was 21. Nice guy, funny, a bit of a clown. He was also tall, strong and didn't hold a lot of fear for his personal safety. He and some friends were leaving a bar when they saw two girls they knew being hassled by some guys in the street, one thing led to another and my friend got stabbed with a bottle opener knife 4 times. Such a small knife, only a few centimeters long. It pierced his heart and he was gone in seconds. This one was close, I was meant to be out with them and wonder what if. Could I have stopped a death, or would it have been mine?

Even with these types of events relatively close to me, I still have trouble putting my mind in a position to kill. What I wonder is this, is every violent person mentally ill, at least at the time of the violence?

There are psychopaths who kill for sport but, most would likely say that they are undoubtedly mentally ill. Can they help it? The man from a broken home, beaten, soon homeless and on drugs, was that his goal to murder when he was playing marbles in the school grounds? What about an angry drunk who snaps over a CD? As soon as it happened, she dropped the knife, the anger left her body and she sobbed in disbelief at what she had done to the little brother she loved so much. Or the drunk guy that pulled a tiny little knife, he intended harm but, murder?

Is this violence inside me too? Do we all have an animal capable of taking life? I would say yes, the capability is there but fortunately, most of us never face the conditions necessary for us to snap and kill. Thankfully. For if we did, if the right lever was pulled, we are likely to fight tooth and nail to either survive or protect. I hope that I never have to find this out.

But to become the aggressor, I cannot see that in myself, I am yet to be able to put myself in a situation where I would willingly kill without a threat to me or another. Perhaps to do so, one has to be ill, a mind broken for one reason or another, a lack of mental control or programming installed. And that may be the problem, how can I choose to mentally simulate an out of control mind?

But, even if I did find a reason to, would I tell you?

But, I can be aggressive. I can and have used my words to harm with intent. I have been angry and wielded a blade of words, and I have looked to hurt small, but destroyed instead. Is this any better? Sure, there were no actual deaths, no murder, no physical harm done but, how far is the next step? Is thee a slippery slope just beyond my sight? How steep could it be?

The first, was a long sad road. The second, a moment of rage. The third, an unexpected outcome. I do not want any of those for me, or for anyone I love, know or even a stranger. Why are these acts being normalized, turned into statistics, trends, political campaigns? These are individual and very personal actions and perhaps that is where the solution lays, in the individuals.

Lately, I have been thinking a little about violence and I will continue at times. I want to investigate some areas but, I know very little about it so, I hope that people will be charitable in their discussion. The reason I do this is that I don't think that any of the three people thought their whole life that they were going to kill but, life turned, paths changed, minds broke in a moment. Perhaps, with a little thinking, a few words, some dialogue, we may unknowingly stop another incident from happening. Perhaps we may stop ourselves.

Taraz
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