Why are unhappy couples not divorcing?

Article by David Ludden, professor of cognitive psychology

For most people, marriage is a pleasant and enjoyable experience. However, we all know couples who are deeply unhappy with their marriage, but they are still living together. Certainly there will be some reasons why these unhappy people are not released, they end their relationship and do not go on with their lives. But psychologists are still trying to understand why some unhappy couples are divorcing, while others continue to stay together.

The science of relationships is mainly characterized by the theory of interdependence, developed by social psychologists Harold Kelley and John Thibaut about half a century ago. According to this theory, each partner evaluates the satisfaction of his relationship, calculating both the cost and the benefit. As perceived benefits outweigh the cost, we are happy in our relationship.

Additionally, we need to bear in mind that relationships are not zero sum games. If I only have apples and you only oranges, one of my apples is worth more to you than to me and the opposite is for me with your oranges. In the same way, we give our partner what he wants and in return he meets our needs. If we negotiate these exchanges wisely, we will both feel that we have gained more than we have given.

Satisfaction with a relationship often leads to devotion, according to the theory of interdependence. In particular, comrades feel committed and dedicated to their relationship under the following conditions:

• They have already invested a lot in the relationship and this gives them the feeling that their marriage has some value.

• They see no other viable alternative that is better than their current relationship.

• At the moment they are satisfied with their relationship.

Satisfaction with a relationship depends on the perception of a wealth of benefits, but more recently researchers have also begun to place particular emphasis on the role of personal standards. In modern Western civilization, people want our comrades to fulfill the ideal of our sister soul, our other half, fully in harmony with our needs. We want to be both lovers and our friends.

Not all societies see love relationships in the same way. For example, the Japanese often say that their husband wants to be "healthy outside the home". As long as he brings money every day at home, they do not care much about what they are doing outside. And they want their freedom without the husband's involvement. And when marriage is arranged by parents, it is considered more as a strictly economic relationship, rather than a heart issue.

In the same vein, couples of dysfunctional relationships can stay together simply because their standards are low. For example, if you had grown up in a family where abuse and neglect were the norm, you might have assumed that all relationships function in the same way. And if you had a low self-esteem, you might think you deserve this kind of mistreatment by your partner.

There are other cases where couples are really unhappy with their relationships and yet remain in them. The explanation of this situation is a problem for the theory of interdependence in its current form. In a recent article, psychologist Levi Baker and his associates have opened a new path to understanding the motivation behind the unhappy relationship.

In particular, psychologists here emphasize that even the best relationships have some difficulties. Changing a career, an illness, even the birth of a baby can be a stressful factor in a relationship that will lower the level of satisfaction for both parties. Yet, the couple will remain committed to the relationship, determined to overcome any difficulty.

According to these researchers, devotion is not based on the current level of satisfaction with the relationship, as predicted by the theory of interdependence. It depends on the expected satisfaction that the partner will receive in the future. In other words, people who remain committed do so because they believe that the quality of their relationship will improve over time. So we stay in a relationship because we hope for a better future relationship, as the difficulties go through.

In this respect, the current level of satisfaction can not represent the reason for engagement and devotion to the relationship. But rather it indicates if there are problems that need to be recognized. That unpleasant feeling tells us that we need to work more for our relationship and not just find a way to get out of it. And this commitment to improving it will also enhance the positive expectations for future happiness, which in turn will increase the degree of commitment.

On the other hand, we need to look at the issue beyond this western model of ideal union with our other half, on which we work. Marriage and cohabitation are still basic financial agreements for raising a family. Such couples find solutions such as separate bedrooms and bank accounts because they consider that the choice of divorce and the separation of children between two homes is the worst case scenario.

Religious attitudes about divorce also play an important role. If I break away, my religious community can rule me out, I may lose my social support from my fellow men. Or I will feel so many remorse and guilt in my act that I can not live like this. Again here, the decision is not based on the present circumstances, but rather on what is expected to happen in the future.

Once it becomes clear that they will not be happy forever in a relationship, people are evaluating their prospects for the future. If they think they will find something better, they will probably leave an unhappy relationship. Perhaps this is the reason why young couples are easier to divide; they feel that there are still many opportunities out there.

But when people do not envision an alternative ideal scenario, they remain in an unhappy condition and try to find the right means or work on it. These couples find ways to alleviate conflicts and conflicts with each other. They may receive some satisfaction and joy from their relationship, but they do not expect anything else. And many, perhaps most, receive enough joy and satisfaction from their friendships or from other activities in life.