I continue with Gracian's aphorisms as part of personal journey. But, as prelude... One of my favorite first sentences from a novel is Charles Dickens' David Copperfield: "CHAPTER 1. I AM BORN. Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show." I continue to explore how to live the second half of my life in such a manner as to become the hero of my own life. One of the secrets is to move outside my comfort zone in order to find new limits on what I am capable of achieving. A while back, for example, I accepted the services of a 'booker' who wanted to schedule 20 radio interviews. I dislike the spotlight and I almost literally need to screw up my courage for each interview. Fortunately, I seem to be good at them and they do get easier with repetition. After the 20th interview , I will decide whether or not I ever want to do another. If the answer is "no," then I'll need to perfect the ability to say it convincingly and without causing offense...because some people will try to argue me into it
Baltasar Gracian's aphorism 70. Know how to refuse. " One ought not to give way in everything nor to everybody. To know how to refuse is therefore as important as to know how to consent. This is especially the case with men of position. All depends on the how. Some men's No is thought more of than the Yes of others: for a gilded No is more satisfactory than a dry Yes. There are some who always have No on their lips, whereby they make everything distasteful. No always comes first with them, and when sometimes they give way after all, it does them no good on account of the unpleasing herald. Your refusal need not be point-blank: let the disappointment come by degrees. Nor let the refusal be final; that would be to destroy dependence; let some spice of hope remain to soften the rejection. Let politeness compensate and fine words supply the place of deeds. Yes and No are soon said, but give much to think over."
Most of this aphorism is straight forward. You need to know how to deliver a pleasing refusal that does not sound like an excuse and will not bruise feelings. This is particularly important with people who have influence over your life, such as an employer or a relative, but you should never allow the station of the person you are dealing with to change the politeness with which you treat them. Aim to make "pleasing refusals" into a habit. One trick, I think, is to avoid saying "no" when you are gripped by an emotion. Do so when you are clear headed even if this means telling the person "I'll have to get back to you on that." Another trick is to leave the door slightly open to a "no" becoming a "yes." But only slightly because you don't want to encourage the other person to ask you constantly for the same favor. Gracian speaks of retaining the person's dependence upon you as a good thing. but I'm not so sure and, as a goal, it would not prompt to refrain from an absolute "no". Softening the "no" is much more attractive a goal...as is the idea of keeping your options open.
I have trouble with the advice, "Your refusal need not be point-blank: let the disappointment come by degrees." If I interpret the line correctly, it suggests refusing in increments over a period of time. I think it is best to be point-blank and direct as long as you are courteous about it; by contrast, saying "no" by degrees seems like stringing the other person along. What if someone else can do the favor instead? Why should the requesting party be deprived of the favor's fulfillment? I have to remember, however, that Gracian meant the aphorisms not only as a guide to building character but also as a way to negotiate through extremely treacherous institutions, including the Spanish royal court which was hardly a venue in which to be direct.