PTSD: The day I realized anything wasn't possible and my hope in life was dwindling if not gone.

It is almost impossible to explain to people what it is like to have PTSD.  It's not like it is on tv or in the movies.  I've never gotten violent from my PTSD although I have felt like getting violent, but I resisted.  That's only been a few times when I was actually receiving treatment and medication for it.  I was in what they called "rebound" from the medications I was prescribed.  It kept me in a constant state of fight or flight.  One time while walking my service animal I remember feeling intensely overwhelmed with this, I'll call it panicky but it wasn't panic, type emotion.  I felt like my chest and brain were going to explode and I'd felt like that for days on end.  I was taking my service animal for a long walk around my apartment complex.  I had what I'd call similar to a tunnel vision and my mind was focused on breathing and the next step. literally taking the next step.  I was just walking and telling myself to breath and that I was ok.  The next thing I knew, my service dog was misbehaving and trying to pull me this way and that way and would come up to me to nudge me and jump up to kiss my face.  I had walked over a mile into a bad part of town and was in this dazed state of mind.  I realized I don't remember walking that far or that long.  It wasn't even a path I normally took.  It was  scary but if it weren't for my service animal I don't know how long I would've walked or ended up.  Needless to say I stopped taking that medication and called my doctor and left a message immediately.  Turns out it was the medication that was supposed to be helping me.  

Anyway,  I'm going to try to explain to you what it's like.  It's nonsensicle in many ways.  What happens when I get triggered.  Something that seems like nothing to most people turns into this crazy response that starts in my brain.  It's not a conscious thought.  My brain and my body go into strange mode.  My brain and body are responding as if I were going through that same traumatic event that caused my Traumatic Brain Injury and PTSD.  I know I'm fine, I tell myself I'm fine.  But my brain and my body are reacting like I am going through that all over again.  I start sweating, I get short of breath, my heart is racing, I usually feel like curling up into a ball and I cry a lot.  I feel like I'm in grave danger.  I cry for no reason because I'm fine.  I know I'm fine but my body is still reacting as if I'm not fine.  Loved ones tell me I'm fine and just "let it go".  My personality changes a little and I shut down after yelling at them that I'm not.  I can yell at the top of my lungs that I'm not thinking about it, but they don't listen because they don't understand.  They think I'm thinking myself into this state.  Then I just shut down and cry.  I want to be left alone and I don't want to be around anyone.  Which leads to me isolating myself which I've done for years.  

How this all happened.  The brief story, though still long...  My great grandmother, who I was very close to, had fallen and crushed her pelvis.  My grandparents could no longer take care of her so after she was released from the hospital so she went into a nursing home.  I went to see her every day because I never wanted her to feel alone.  I didn't want her to think we/I stopped caring for her.  She couldn't speak or get out of bed at this point.  I was the only one she recognized.  It broke my heart to see her like that but I made sure I was there every single day for at least 30 minutes so she knew I was there and how much I loved her.  I was in school, played sports and worked a FT job as well.  The one night I didn't go see her, I changed my mind at the last minute and thought I'll go see her tomorrow before school.  The phone rang about 45 minutes later.  It was the nursing home and she had died.  I would've been there if I hadn't changed my mind.  We had her body shipped back to her home state to be buried by her husband.  Two days later,  My grandparents and my aunt and I were driving back to that state.  We were going to make a stop at my uncles house to sleep and finish the trip the next day.  According to what I've been told, because I don't remember it, We were in an accident about 12 hours later that day a few hours away from my uncles house.  From what I've been told a car coming the opposite direction became airborne after going into the median and landed on the front end of our car and then their car came around and smashed the side of ours as well.  We were on an interstate.  According to what I've been told there was no way for us to avoid it and my grandparents died instantly and my aunt died in surgery a few hours later.  I was in a coma for a couple of weeks.  I woke up as a different person in a different world.  At first this new world was fresh and new and so exciting.  After about 3 years of this I realized my behavior was different.  I was different.  I don't remember most of my life before the accident.  I remember most of the people though.  I just don't know how big of a role I played in their lives or they played in mine.  Life really was different but at this point anything was still possible.  more to come