A few hours ago I was just notified that my last contact had a positive covid test.It is weird when you know as a matter of fact that it is just a matter of time but at the back of your head you are wishing you are invincible.
So here I am wishing I survive this very deadly virus but also entertaining the worst case scenario.While I play the possible outcomes in my mind I can not help ask what would God think of me when I let my worries get the best of me?
Seriously,even if you live in a bubble there is still a slight chance of getting infected.So, I resolve to do few things firsthand just in case I run out of time.
First,I did.my best to stay away from this virus so I will shy away from any form of blaming. As per CDC and WHO guidelines I avoided crowded places,stayed home as much as I can,handwashed,eat healthy,no matter how stressful life can be I always try my best to control the negative vibes to the point I have to cut loose of relationship that is more like a dead end than a two way traffic.
Two ,while it is true that one has to quarantine for 14 days to lessen the transmission it does not necessarily follow that the symptoms runs the same way.
As we already know some are pretty asymptomatic while the rest never even survive
after before they get intubated.With ICU running low on availability I find it best to make peacewith everyone in my "not friendly list".
I acknowledge that in this life ,in the great exercise of free will I have not been the wisest.When it comes to the subject matter called pain I have been at both the recieving and inflicting end.As much as others say better turn the other cheek in most days I would rather give an eye for an eye .But of course if I am a better person I will probably wish love ,peace ,joy and abundance to those whose bones I wish to gnaw on.
I am sure glad I am not the all mighty omnipotent God.Otherwise I would have send thunderclouds to people who have disturbed my peace.I wonder at night what the world woud be like if we do not have any ego that shatters with every failure and rejection.Or a heart that breaks with each betrayal ,abuse or neglect.I wish our spirit never dampen when misfortunes roll in like waves one after another.But human as we are we all have our breaking point.Some have epiphany and their greatest legacy in the midst of these storms while some self destruct. I decided to be my own bestfriend and to be kindest to my self because in this life I ,me and myslef is the only constant companion.
If you read my previous blog you would have known that I am struggling to mend a broken heart after a 13 years relationship comes to an end .Unrequited love as sages say can purify a soul but I bet my life on it no human would want to love and be unreciprocated .
I have made a commitment to myself that I will accept my follies and be less critical of myself.Because doing otherwise is downright deadly.Too many talented people like Whitney Houston,Kurt Coubain or Robin Williams kill themselves with their depressing thoughts unchecked.When it comes to matters of the heart the wounds run deeper than wounds,cuts and bruises. This pandemic had trained me more than ever to get in touch with my feelings and to deal with them head on as if my survival depends on them.
Family is a gift not everyone is blessed with .But like marriage, love and happiness its definiton is also evolving with the times.Our.social circles were trimmed with the lockdown but the pandemic nature of this virus gives everybody that feeling that we are all on this together .It is comforting to think that with the frequent lockdown ,work at home and online studies have strengthened relationships what boredom and unreconcilable conflict did not tear them apart.
It is uncertain times like this that brings out the best and worst in us.So when my very busy long distance boyfriend of many years did his usual ghosting I decided to face my music.I learned from a common friend 8 months later he was screwing a divorced caregiver from Georgia country long before I ask him to explain his seemingly lack of interest for" us "time.
I was devastated.Because truth be told he cheated on me with the same girl not once but many times.And it is like being slapped on your face for the nth time for loving hard .Talk about doing the extra mile for a clients grandson experience thats what she is.
I never felt so stupid as he made me feel .It was the anguish of repeatedly choosing to ignore the red flags that haunts me in most nights .No wonder many billboard hits consist of heartbreak songs.Nothing will ever compare to its torment.Depression is real when you put too much value on a relationship that takes much of your productive years when you reminisce how the other could not care less.It is one emotional baggage I would have to beg God Almighty to completely heal me in time.
It is hard not to be sad ,angry ,resentful of how he string you along for 13 years with your eyes wide open.It hurts the most to realize you'd go to the ends of the world with him but he would not have your back when life throws you lemons.It pisses me that as much as I want him to be accountable how it sourly ended I would have to find ways to be comfortable of a future he choose not to be in.I would have to comfort myself that like each season this too will pass and that karma be quick for them both.
I had to shave my head to remind myself that it wasn't selfish to want to be loved.I find myself in too many emotional lows.Reality hit me hard when I find msyelf getting frequent migraine .No matter how you love someone when you feel he is not investing as much as you do its best to walk away as fast as you can.
Naturally with the quarantine there will be large void.So I suggest try your best to be active and keep busy when grieving over a lost love.Worrying about thing you do not have control on will just lessen your immune system.So I decided to stick to an exercise regimen and a low calorie diet.This pandemic is physically and psychologicslly draining by itself so I self taught myself to bake cook and do some yoga.
Yes by many counts this virus sucks.But if I survive this I hope I find that this was a necessary wake up call .I pray I find it in my heart to be thankful for everything I had to go though in this life to be a better person.I earnestly pray God removes every fear in me that will deter me from building a mutually satisfying relationship.Because this covid and a bad breakup combination is so lethal I find myself having some numb sensations in my left arm.
Experience has taught me that while everyone wants to be trusted or to trust not every one is trustworthy. Talk about politicians who highlight the need to keep travels to only the essentials yet go abroad for personal reasons.Or the need to install apps because others refused to quarantine .