He Said / She Said - Managing Money

The old me

I have the advantage of hindsight now, but prior to 2001, I was naive and an emotional / mental abuser.  I was an individual who focused on intellect as I have a high IQ, so I can use it for control and the acquisition of money and things.  For me, I felt that this was the dream and so I worked hard to make it happen.  As a result, I controlled the flow of money into and out of our relationship.  Being that I earned way more than she did, I felt a sense of privilege which justified the control.  Because I did the work, it was mine to dictate how it was spent.  Subconsciously, it was my way to control her within the relationship and if she did not follow my financial plan I got very angry and it would cause lots of conflicts.  It got so bad that I forbid her to have her own vehicle, justified because of my desire to control the cash flow and I even got angry when she purchased a $5 pair of pants.  

My desire to control the money went so deep that every penny had to be accounted for.  I kept track of everything through computer programs and required that she turn over all receipts and justify to me the purchases.  In most relationships budgeting and keeping track of the money is important, but I took it far beyond a healthy level and used it as an excuse to control and manipulate my wife.  I used it as a weapon against her.  

My drive to make as much money as I could drove me into the ground and I ended up with nothing.  I lost everything in my life and at one point I slept in the back seat of my car.  Our relationship could not handle the abuse and me using money as a weapon.  As a result we split up in 1999.  Over the next few years I crashed and burned as a result of depression and suicide attempts.  My surrender in 2001 and subsequent work to heal and change my thoughts and behaviours saved my life.  

My love for money trumped Carey and it destroyed my relationship with her.

The New Me

When I healed, I went back to work and found a whole new approach for my relationship with money.  The acquisition of money was no longer my objective, instead my focus was on healthy relationships.  I still needed money to pay the bills, but it was a low priority as my desire to have healthy relationships trumped everything.  As a result, my decision making process changed and I found that the flow of money into my life came easier.  I did not have to work as hard and the stress of money went away.  My priority was to be independent and I did very well at achieving that in my life.  

When we reconciled our relationship in 2002, we spent hours upon hours for months and months talking about and resolving the issues from our old relationship.  Money being a big topic of discussion and maintaining our independence was our top priority.  We did not want to be co-dependent and as such we worked hard to maintain that independence which also included having our own bank accounts and negotiating which bills we would pay.  

What I had to do is rebuild the trust that was lost as a result of my violent and abusive behaviour.  While we lived in the city, money was still important as we were dependent on the system.  We had a mortgage once again, bills to pay, vehicles to maintain, etc.  Negotiation was used to figure out who would pay which bills.  I wanted to ensure that the temptation to use money as a weapon would never come back into my life.  

When we decided to move off grid, we were blessed with a hot housing market.  We purchased our home in St. Albert for 158,000 and sold it for 340,000 after two years.  While the old me struggled for years and years, money now flows with ease because I let go of it.  In fact, the cryptocurrency I make on this blog is money that we don't 'need'.  But I do have an idea on what I can use it for.  When I quit my job in 2007, my old boss gave me a $10,000 bonus.  Who gets paid for quitting?  Our move off grid also meant that we would focus on living without money as we return to living off the land. That was the final piece for our surrender to ensure that money no longer had a grip on our lives.  The proceeds of the house sale paid for the land and the infrastructure we needed and it ran out quickly. 

Now we live on $750 a month, sometimes much less.  When ever we have a need, Carey and I both sit down and figure out what we are going to do.  There is always an opportunity that presents itself, it is just a matter of having the eyes to see it and the will to get it done.  By us surrendering to Creator, we have always been provided for.  We always have food on the table, gas in the tank and our only bill (the phone / internet) has been paid.  Because our need for money is so low now, we focus on other works to provide for our needs.  There are times where we have zero cash.  Zip.  None.  For many years this would stress us out as our faith was still young.  But now it is of little concern for us as we know that something will present to help us out.  It has always happened in our 10+ years.  

Being able to sit down and not use this fictional construct as a weapon against my wife has been a big part of my recovery and makes our relationship go much more smoothly.  My relationship with her is worth more than all the money in the world.  I will no longer allow this piece of paper get between us.   When ever I bring anything home, I hand it to her.  Not because she is in control of it, but mainly to ensure it is all in one spot as I don't have any bank accounts, credit cards, line of credit, mortgages or debt.  We live within our means and that has reduce the amount of stress significantly.  Our needs are now met by both of us working together to plant gardens, build our home, look after live stock and learn how to live off the land.  

This transition was not easy, but we are now at a point in our lives where we are having fun and don't use weapons against one another.  Peace has descended upon our hearts and our relationship.  Our needs are mostly met by Mother Earth and for the little things that we have yet to find a way to provide for ourselves, we can acquire through sharing skills that we have to help serve others in meaningful ways.  

Life is all about relationships and I need to work hard not to over power and suppress my wife.  I need to make sure she has a voice and that we are equal in this inter-independent relationship that we have worked so hard to build.  

@carey-page wrote a blog on this same issue and you can read her side of the story here:

https://steemit.com/reconcilingrelationships/@carey-page/he-said-she-said-managing-money

Please remember to visit her blog too as people will be making comments there as well.  This is only half the story, the other half is on her blog.  It is important that you read her side too!