Early in our relationship I really struggled with this idea of how keeping score was harmful to our relationship. For me, this was all about setting expectations and if my wife did not meet those expectations then I was justified in getting angry or rebuking her. I made this situation even worse because I'm the one that set the expectation, not her. As a result, she rarely was able to meet it and I was for ever disappointed in her.
It was a horribly abusive form of violence that I used. What made matters worse is that I blamed her for the problem when in fact the issue was mine. Keeping score is a term that I've seen used to highlight this abusive behaviour. By keeping track of who did more of the chores, made more of the money or contributed the most, I suddenly found myself feeling angry and resentful. Hey, I pulled in lots of money, the least she could do is hold up her end of the bargain. Right?
Oh how wrong I was. What I discovered is that viewing relationships from the perspective of what she could do for me was very selfish. By setting expectations, I set her up to fail which then justified my anger. I put her in a no-win situation. By keeping score, I win and she loses. That is the problem with keeping score. We treat relationships like a competitive sport and it does not work. It is abusive and destructive.
However, when I turned my thinking around and instead of contemplating what she is doing for me, I now reflect on what I can do for her, then things started to shift. We also made a leap in our relationship when we started making big decisions on a consensus basis. What that means is that we move forward when we both agree and if one of us disagrees then we stop and work it out or drop the idea.
That simple change of process may not seem like much, but it had a huge impact on our life, relationship and outcomes. It really helped that we both know what we want in life and we went for it. She is the one that wanted to make significant changes in our lives by moving off grid and doing all the work that I blog about here. I was not for it originally.
When I looked into it all, I was angry for 6 months. It took me that long to process the anger, disbelief and frustration. But I knew she was right, so I jumped on board with the idea. I've been a huge supporter of her ever since. I've found a faith and trust in her that I never saw before. She needed my help to make it happen as I have skills that she doesn't have. She also has skills I don't have. So we worked together and now the outcomes are a result of both of us, not just one.
So if we fail, we do so as a team. We don't blame one another as that never helps. We evaluate what we learned from the experience and we then move on. We support each other physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. That is what a good team does. When we succeed, it is our joint success. We still maintain our individuality through all of this by having our own hobbies, friends and personal time. But when it comes to working together, we always work towards the win/win. I'm not crossing the finish line of life without her! Period! Nobody gets left behind!
At least that is how I see it in order to ensure I keep on track. If anybody is has a question or concerns and is interested in hearing how we would address it within our own relationship, please feel free to comment here or on her post and we will address it in our post next week.
If you are curious as to my wife's views on this topic, you can read her post here:
https://steemit.com/reconcilingrelationships/@carey-page/he-said-she-said-keeping-score
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I never thpught of it as keeping score but that is what it is. I also like to call it "Dont sweat the small stuff". My hubby @shai-hulud and I met when I was still very ill. So there was no time to put up pretenses or set expectations. Everyday was a struggle to survive which meant for us anyway, complete honesty and trust from the time he accepted me as I was. There are days when the dishes pile up and the floors aren't vacuumed but we do what we can and we love each other no matter what.
This is how I feel about Shai. I'm glad there is real love out there. Thanks for sharing.
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Your story is inspiring. To fall in love with a very ill individual takes a lot of courage and strength. Kudo's to the both of you for showing what unconditional love really looks like. You both inspire me! Thank you for sharing your story and give @shai-hulud a hug for me please. <3
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The most frustrations we have in our lives usually occur as a result of misplaced expectations. Especially when it comes to our relationships and our interaction with others. the reduction of our expectations for others will reduce the frustrations of our lives and lives of others. It will also help us to focus on important things.
Love and respect for others mean allowing them to be in their nature ... not as we want of them...
thank you brother @wwf
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Indeed. When I took my father off the pedestal that I put him on, I could then see him for the man who he was rather than the man I wanted him to be. The latter always disappointed and hurt me, the former showed signs of love and compassion that he was capable of doing but I was previously too blind to see. Expectations is like wearing a welding mask. It blocks soooo much from our vision that we miss out on the beauty within others. Well said my friend.
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This is the way it has to be in order to have a good marriage. It takes time to make a good team. Every marriage has its ups and downs especially when the kids come along. That is such a game changer, even if you think you are prepared.
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You are sooooo right. Everything changes and nothing can prepare you for it. Even when they leave home things change again. We are confronted with that right now. Change is constant and the better we are at rolling with the changes, the easier life is.
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Thank you for your feedback. I think, that all comes with experience. In marriage there is no words "should." I mean, there are arrangements, but that doesn't mean, you can't do more or help. My law is this - if you see a problem and can solve it - do it: wash the dishes,pick up trash and stuff. And another problem is expectations. You expect a man certain thoughts and actions and take offense, when people do not live up to your expectations. Although he does not have to justify them. I think everything can be discussed and the most important thing in relations is trust and a team.
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Wow this is really nice. Team work. If you succeed.. You succeed together. Not putting blames on the other party when things go wrong. It's never good to keep score. It destroys a relationship. Stop comparing and complaining. This was really a good post @wwf
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am not much into relationships ...yet! but i think that what you have here is really commendable, keep up with the good works sir.
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This would apply to any relationship, not just husband / wife relationships. Because you breath air, you need healthy relationships. :)
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Don't you think applying it to larger scope is a little far-fetched? i believe everyone has inside them what to make for perfect living, hence mastering relationships might not be the way to a perfect life...
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Far-fetched? Not at all. In my view, life is ALL about our relationships.
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i think life should be about you and what you have to offer, not necessarily about what you expect from others
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Exactly. that is what the post is all about. These are relationship issues my friend. :)
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To me, this is extremely powerful.
"What that means is that we move forward when we both agree and if one of us disagrees then we stop and work it out or drop the idea."
It goes hand in hand when Carey said....
" One phrase that is constantly being said in our home is "To manage my expectations...." Managing expectations helps the score keeping to be at a minimal. "
To me that levels the playing field. Respect of self, allows respect of others. Lots for me to sit with.
Great blogs. Thank you shop much for sharing.
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