We live in this society and we have to face many people every day. Sometimes, we have to ask for help, and sometimes we have to ask for help, but more often, we will face endless entanglement with some people. They always ask us to do things that we can't do or are unwilling to do.
However, due to our emotions, we are embarrassed to reject others because we are afraid of hurting others. Let’s take a look at the cases of my two friends:
I have a friend named Cathy, 28 years old, graduated from the same school as me, and worked in a foreign-funded company in Beijing. Many people think that Cathy's life is very smooth, coming out of a small city, gaining a foothold in Beijing, and having a beautiful girlfriend. Therefore, Cathy is a role model for many friends.
However, Cathy didn't think so. Once, when he was eating with me, he revealed: "In fact, I often feel that I am particularly useless. Sometimes I have a disagreement with my classmates or many friends. Before I said a few words, I was slumped and stopped talking.
Don't look at me being gentle, in fact, my heart is not good at all! It's the same with my girlfriend, I let her go every time. The more polite I am, the more painful I am actually, but I can't vent it! "
I was surprised and asked him why he didn't argue and reject them? Cathy said annoyedly: "Because I am afraid of hurting them, afraid of hurting our friendship. You say, even if I fight for reasons, I am right in the end, but what can they do? Under the covers, will they feel that I am right? Too aggressive?"
Look at my other friend: I also have a friend named John. This young man is also very entangled because of one thing. Once, after drinking, he told a group of friends: "I don't want to go home at all, because my girlfriend is forced to marry me every day.
I feel that I am still on the rise, and wait until the work really stabilizes before we hold the wedding properly. But, hey, she pestered me every day to ask me if I could get married. I looked at her and didn't dare to say wait for two years.
You don’t even know, my pain! "One of the friends said helplessly: "But, you don't need to just wrong yourself so as not to hurt the other party's emotions at all." There is still a solution..."
John interrupted him: "Nothing at all, I don't know what to do at all! I am out drinking every day, just to get drunk so that I can just go to sleep when I go home!" In reality, people like Cathy and John , Not in the least. These people have an obvious characteristic, that is: not making the decision to refuse, not because of rational analysis, but out of fear of hurting others.
Therefore, in order to ensure that others are not harmed, they present a posture that seems to be acceptable to everything. In the subconscious, they will imagine such a picture: once they say "no", then the other party will definitely become angry. Because of this, they had no choice but to compromise, and when they chose to agree, they left the pain to themselves. Do this once or twice, this is not a big deal. Living in the world, who has not been aggrieved at all?
Like Cathy and John, if they suppress their emotions for a long time, and even live with fear and fear, what kind of problems will they cause? In the lighter case, you become incapable of autonomy, and you must rely on others no matter what you do. in the worst case, you have serious psychological problems, such as depression, mania and other mental illnesses. In the end, only myself was hurt.
I believe that no one wants to embark on such a path. So, why did we become like this? On the one hand, this is caused by childhood habits. When we were young, because many things were decided by our parents, we were used to listening to the opinions of others. If this situation is not corrected during adolescence, then after entering adulthood, it will develop into a psychological disorder, thus showing a cowardly character.
Yes, you are always worried that rejection will hurt others. This is a manifestation of cowardice, a manifestation of psychological immaturity. On the other hand, it's because I don't know how to reject correctly.
Imagine, when you say, "No, what you said is wrong!" "No! You are asking for hardship by doing this!" How can such an answer not hurt the other party?
Therefore, if you want to change the situation where you dare not say "no", on the one hand, you have to start with habit. on the other hand, you have to start with rejection. We must keep in mind the following points:
Try to say something different to refuse
In many cases, we can refuse with a softer tone, so that the other person can feel respected. For example, when you want to deny a friend’s opinion, you might as well say: "Indeed, what you said makes sense. But there is a small detail in the middle that we all overlooked..."
In this way, you not only reject the other party, but also use the word "we" to link each other together, which will make the other party not feel your hostility. At this time, if you go to explain some of your own views and principles, the other party will easily accept it.
Similarly, with regard to marriage, if John in the case can say so, it will also achieve good results: "My dear, I understand your psychology very well. However, we are still in the initial stage of ascending, and we are not completely stable. In the future, if we do a big wedding at this time, it will definitely cost a lot, and it is not something we can afford.
Of course, I will not let you down. Otherwise, we will get the certificate first, and we will not hold the wedding for the time being, and then wait a little better before we make up for you gracefully, my dear, what do you think? In this way, I will always belong to you! "
Such language not only reveals a touch of sweetness, but also explains the reality, and it can also refuse the forced marriage of the other half. How can it hurt the other half?
Understand the truth that rejection is not wrong. In fact, we have to understand a truth: sometimes even if your rejection is reasonable, the other person is still angry, but it is not your fault. Faced with such a situation, we should not feel guilty, because some people are so unreasonable, such as some girls with "princess disease", or those boys who have been spoiled since childhood.
In the face of this kind of person, even though the refusal makes them feel hurt, it is caused by him, and it is not our fault.
For them, even if we refuse to make them unhappy, we should not hesitate.
I believe that if one day, when they learn to grow up and mature, and then think about the various actions they have done, their complaints against you will disappear.
Rejection is a kind of wisdom
In daily life, we will inevitably encounter people or things that need to be rejected. In the face of unreasonable and inappropriate requirements made by others and things that we are unwilling to do, we need to say “no” loudly, don’t Endure bullying and don't always follow other people's words. Although rejection is inevitable, once the method of rejection needs to be considered, direct rejection will mean a denial of the other's wishes or behavior, which will invisibly hit the other's self-confidence and even hurt the other's self-esteem.
So, how to preserve the face of both parties and cleverly achieve the purpose of rejection? We can imply "rejection" to the other party through language. Rejection is also an art. This can achieve the purpose of clever rejection without causing unpleasant emotions in the other party's heart. This is the most brilliant rejection.
Sometimes, we have to refuse. Of course, the purpose of refusal is not to harm others, but to harmonize. Therefore, we should try our best to do it under the premise of preserving both sides.
The Italian musician Rossini was born on February 29, 1792. Because there is only a leap year every four years, he was 72 years old when he celebrated his 18th birthday. On the day before his birthday, some friends told him that they had collected two or three francs to build a monument for him.
After hearing this, he said, "A waste of money! Give me this money and I'll just stand there by myself!"
Rossini originally disagreed with the friend's approach, but he did not reject it directly. Instead, he proposed an unreasonable idea, implicitly pointing out that the friend's approach was too extravagant, and pointed out the unreasonable nature of this approach.
Rejection requires skill, especially the linguistic know-how. Only by mastering these skills can you not sin against others, but also allow others to accept it.