ALL THEY MAY NOT UNDERSTAND

Is it wrong to not feel?

Well, should it bother you that not everybody would believe that some people just don’t deal well with confused emotions and that’s what inevitably happens when the guard is let down and you think you can actually have some things that probably can’t be had? What they don’t understand is that after the first two times that you had your heart shredded or toyed with, the walls went up and just kept getting higher and thicker  and the entrance kept getting smaller ever since. What they don’t understand is that it is not about them; never was, but that all you can see now is only a big freaking disappointment about to happen; nothing more, nothing less. What they don’t understand is that their faces have never left your memory – the faces of those that had taught you the hard knock lessons of betrayal; that sometimes you stay awake at night wondering what could have been done differently or what could have not been done at all which would have probably produced a different outcome and that the sleep leaves your eyes and you want to cry big, sad painful tears even if you’d feel pretty embarrassed after you done. What they don’t understand is that behind that façade of rehearsed smiles and funny sarcasm there’s a boiling cauldron of molten magma waiting to erupt at the very minimal disturbance. What they don’t understand is that you have practiced how not  care for long enough that now it seems almost as authentic as a child’s smile at the sight of his mama. What they don’t understand is that even if given a chance now, the fear that you’d fail would probably make you fail woefully at it. What they don’t understand is that you have replaced all ‘trivial’ emotions, (more out of the necessity to survive) with other overshadowing thoughts and mental activities. There are many other things that you are very aware of that they don’t understand but I think the one that’ll probably annoy you the most is that they don’t understand that they’ve chosen not to understand. But it’s all good now isn’t it? You’ve been through a lot and you always come out of it even if you lose a part of you each time, but yes! You survive and that’s what’s important so all those parts that don’t make it out with the rest of you were probably never meant to be there in the first place. After all that’s seen and felt the one and only truth that keeps you going is that you’d survive… and that’s what’s real.

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