9 Things I Learnt From My Past Relationships

After a 5 year long in a relationship which I thought was one of the safest place I have ever known, I was thrown into an tumultuous times of navigating the dating scene. Looking back, I realized that it was 6-7 years long of equally tumultuous times where neither scenarios was ever a safety zone for me.

Even in that relationship with whom I have had the blessing to have a partner who stuck by me through thick and thin, someone whom understood my take in Life and have an appreciation for my perspective for the spiritual side of stuff, I never truly felt safe with him.

I very often felt judged - in the way I was being spoken to and who I was as a person.

I felt the condescending-ness on his approach to my culture. I felt stepped on - violated even at times. Yet, when discussions were done, it was said that that was never meant to hurt me.

So what was the problem?

What I Learnt From My Past Relationships

As an adult, I never had to put up with all that.

Now, within that one statement, consist quite a number of learnings.

First learning:

Approaching A Relationship as an Empowered Adult, .. Not a Helpless Child.

The reason why I said "As an adult.." is because I realized that most of us approach our relationships with a child consciousness. Meaning, we react and respond like a child when things don't go our way. We come with all the dramas, being upset, yelling, crying, even threatening.

We feel threatened, vulnerable, jealous and insecure when one day our partners decide to do what they want to do, in whatever aspect. It could be something as simple as playing tennis with his friends or visiting his family during the weekend.

Now, there is an even deeper aspect to that.


Second Learning:

The Expectation On My Partner To Help Me Belong

So we approach our relationships hoping and wishing that it will be the best relationship we ever had. We crave that kind of security which we have felt once before, perhaps from our family of origin. Going deeper, it could even be related to the protective nourishing place of the womb where we as the baby felt protected (but for the purposes of this article, I will not delve into this) The safety net that we call 'home', that longing to belong, that search and quest for something all too familiar.

Then as time passes, we get disappointed as we realized that our partners cannot fulfill this need of ours. This quest is not fulfilled. We feel unsatisfied because our partners cannot fulfil it.

Without realizing it, we have made our partners to be responsible for our happiness, and with that, we have given our own power away by giving others the responsibility for our happiness.

Third Learning:

But As True Adults, We Stand Alone.

The point I am making here is the very fact that as true adults, really, we stand alone.

In fact, this aloneness, is something all of us without exception already feel to an extent and which we have to come to terms with in order to grow - especially in the context of a close intimate relationship.

In the context of emotionally and psychologically, as adults, no longer are we actually confined with our family expectations, or expectations of others, even the expectations of society. That means we are free to make decisions that really reflect who and what we are, even if it means a different sexual orientation.

Yes, - following the impulses from within, the calling from within, the purpose that Life is driving us towards.

Until we shed the skins of what belongs to our past, to what belongs to our family and how they live their lives (some of which might not do us much good), we are not truly free.
Until we truly look at ourselves and allow, accept without judgement - all sides of us, the good and the bad - as what they are, are we then truly free to make decisions.

Decisions which truly reflect and honor your deepest desires, what you wish to be, do, have in this Life. Not what your family wants. Not what your spouse wants. Not what society expects of you.

Now, that's a true adult.

Fourth Learning:

An Empowered Relationship

Hence I learnt that a truly whole and empowered relationship is an interaction between 2 independent, emotionally mature and capable adults - both of whom are free to make their decisions and choices. Both of whom are responsible for the exchange between the relationship, making it work - yet still be free to go. It is about respecting and seeing the other individual as a completely whole and capable human being, instead of as a powerless, helpless person.

Of course, to be able to see another as such, always first start from seeing ourselves as one too.

As an adult, we are responsible for our own happiness, to be whole and fulfilled and then are we fully abled to give. We then come into an intimate connection with another and help bring an extra spark into their lives. Note, we are not the spark. We merely amplify the spark. We don't have an expectation that another is to fulfill the gap or emptiness inside of us and never under any circumstances are we ever responsible for someone else's choices and happiness.

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Fifth learning:

Freedom of Choice: Never Needing To Put Up With Anything

While I believe that a human being with a heart would never have the solid intention to hurt another, and I believe that my ex-partner meant well, but it doesn't take away the fact that there were times none of us were in control of our reactions to each other. There were still instances where hurtful things were unnecessarily said, sarcastic statements which had the blow of a double edged swords, wasn't any funnier than the way it was being said.

While I know that he never meant to hurt me, I learnt that I needn't have to put up with all that. And by not putting up with all that doesn't mean I need to react in any way that is hurtful, it just meant that I needn't allow all of that to affect me emotionally, mentally, and if I choose to, physically as well. Which means to remove myself physically from his vicinity - whatever that meant.

How-ever my ex-partner behaved, was a reflection on him, not me. It was an expression of his own pain. It was an expression of his own frustration with himself and his Life. And really actually, it has nothing to do with me - which brings me to my next point.

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Sixth Learning:

It Is Not Personal.

As I ventured out from the safety net of my 5 year relationship, which was my second "home", apart from the one my family have given me, I had the opportunity to meet more and more individuals who have very interesting takes in Life.

Most of them have grieved and suffered a broken heart, went through the pain and struggles of Life, both of the mind and the heart. I met plenty of people who came from the mind, those whom I call extremely analytical - some egoistical. And I also met many many others whom blessed me with the energy of their hearts - who is able to deal with Life from their hearts instead of completely from the analytical, monkey mind.

Out of all those people however, the irony was I learnt the most from those I call "egoistical" people. That is when I understood that it is those who is your enemy whom are your greatest teacher.

These people view Life as tough - (don't we all). They live for tit and tat. They demand that things go their way. Yet one thing that stood out for me in this individuals is the confidence they have for themselves. The absolute knowing of who and what they are.

Seventh Learning:

The biggest lesson from them I learnt is this:

The confidence to be who and what you are, and not let anybody tell you any otherwise.

It means if someone chooses to misbehave, you don't have to take it on. It doesn't belong to you.

It is not personal.

Because if you know who and what you are, exactly where you stand and what you are capable of, even if someone decides to be rude and treat you less than what you know you deserve, you will have the ability to let that swoop right through your head.

You will be able to look at the person with a degree of understanding and realize that whatever he/she does stems from their own pain, their own insecurities, and their own frustration in Life. And you, are merely the trigger for that.

You will be able to choose after that, to either deal with it, choose whether you'd want to have that situation in your life, or simply walk away.

Eighth Learning:

My Personal Reaction Was Just A Trigger

My reaction to people's offence towards me was just triggering all the insecurities I already had inside of me.

I realized that when I react to an offence and feel hurt by it, in that, it is just triggering a button inside of me which is against my own "stuff", my own insecurities about who and what I am.

"You Are Stupid Or What?"

I learnt this lesson with someone who lashed out with a comment of:

"You are stupid or what?"

At first, I totally reacted.

"How dare he talk to me like that?"

I was furious.

If the person is right in front of me, I would probably have hurled something at the guy. Talk about angry tears. (Yep, for reals.)

Then after 10 minutes of pacing around the room in a fit, clarity took hold.

I realized that I was holding on to a reaction from an unconscious person who didn't know how handle the situation any better. And I took that reaction a bit too personally.

No, I wasn't an idiot. I just didn't realize the degree of seriousness of the situation (I shan't explain the situation here for confidentiality sake). I thought it was all a joke.
But besides to that, the point is, he needn't have spoken that way. Neither do I need to feel anger about how he reacted.

His reaction was truly a reflection of himself. And my reaction, a reflection of how I took things too personally - something I wrestled with all my life.

I realized what he said had really, absolutely nothing to do with me and who I am. And I somehow took his statement on and made it an issue because it seems on some level, I too felt that I wasn't good enough.

A Similiar Past Event

"Did you eat dog poo growing up or what?!"

Yes, that was what said to me whilst I was working with my uncle in China some good ten years back. No I wasn't the only one who had to endure that - everyone else working over there had their fair share of it.

I remember the times while I was working there how I felt a certain way - depressed, worthless, nevermind unappreciated, but not looked at as a human being with feelings. After a few months, I decided against continue working there.

Looking back, I realized that making that decision was the right thing to do. No one should ever allow themselves to stay in an unhealthy environment, physically or mentally. But also, I never should have taken on board all the things said to me (all of which haunted me for years after) - simply because it wasn't true.

The Jassica back then was constantly caught up with this "Little me" syndrome, feeling bad for what was said about me, feeling upset over it - and for no other valid reason than just because "he or they said this".

Now I realized that never mind that it doesn't make any sense, but it simply isn't and has never been an accurate reflection to who I truly am, and what I am capable of.

I have grown. And that means, all those things said to me irregardless whether they were meant to hurt or not, don't apply anymore. They have lost its power over me, - though perhaps not completely, but definitely getting there.

Fast Forward Today...

Ninth Learning:

I now approach all my connections with the thinking of "You do You, I Do Me.", but I walk away when things are not in line with my values and boundaries.

I respectfully honor the other as they are. And I try as much as I can to let the other person do whatever he or she wants, so long I honor my personal boundaries.

Despite not expecting another to make me happy, I now approach my interactions with an expectation of honoring and respect on both sides. Yes, there are no expectations but I thoroughly believe that with 7.5 billion people in the world and counting, that there will be people whom can meet me eye to eye without any need to "change" the other to fit each other perfectly.

There are still occasions when I had to put up a hand and say "No".

There are plenty occasions where I walked away, and walk away I actually do, with no hesitation.

It gets easier with time.

No one is perfect, we are all a work in progress. But it is only in the space of mutual respect, honoring and a degree of allowing and tolerance for one another in that any form of relationship can progress, mature, and grow.

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