It’s 2:57 am and I can’t sleep. God has placed some things of great significance on my heart as it pertains to relationships and emotions and how these things affect Christian men and women. I am a 20 something year old Christian woman. I have never been in a relationship. My lips remain untouched. I am a virgin. Yet, I am not owner to that sense of wholeness and purity that should come with my chaste status.
During the past couple of weeks, I spent some time talking to God about that nagging feeling that stalked me; that feeling said, “Chadia, being a virgin isn’t enough.” For others, it would read that being celibate isn’t enough. I found out that there was great merit to this uncomfortable feeling and the disconcerting thought which it bred, and I will share with you why.
I’ve never been in a relationship, but I’m not exactly the type of woman who shies away from men. I shy away from relationships, but not men. My personality is one that revels in winning. As such, I became a master of the game. I enjoyed mind games and the sense of conquest that came with them, and the man who was the quintessential flirt was my perfect prey.
I took pleasure in my ability to make a man fall, but remain detached. By the time I was 17, I had read so many books that explained the psychology of the man in contrast to the psychology of the woman that I had gleaned an understanding of men, well beyond my years. I understood things about them that they themselves were yet to become aware of. What I thought was fun, would taint something that I deemed very valuable: my purity.
In the Christian realm we often view purity as something having to do only with the physical; only as it pertains to sex. But I am fast learning that emotional integrity is a big part of purity. God started to reveal to me how we as young men and women give off pieces of ourselves to others who are not our spouses.
As a young woman, I shouldn’t be doing for another man what only my husband should experience. Too many men have experienced the care and affection that only my husband should experience, too many men have heard me say words that only my husband should hear, and too many men have received the affirmation that only my husband should receive. Too many men have seen and experienced the power behind the woman that I am; the power that only my husband should experience.
As a young man, too many women should not have experienced the care and affection that only your wife should experience, too many women should not have heard you say the words that only your wife should hear, and too many women should not have received the affirmation that only your wife should receive.
When you’re young, armed with knowledge but not enough wisdom, the attachment (the individual to you) that comes with giving away these pieces of yourself deceives you into believing that you are in a position of power. You believe that these other people are getting hurt, but you have it under control. Trust me when I say that you have told yourself a big lie.
To young women, I say to you that you are compromising your emotional wholeness, which is unfair to both you and your future husband. To young men, I say to you that you are compromising your emotional wholeness which is unfair both to you and your future wife. We become nothing but robots of the game. The game was not created for us. We are Christians. It is not ours to play.
I asked myself if God were to allow me to meet my husband today, would I be in a place of emotional integrity that he is worthy of? How many men am I emotionally attached to? How many “friends” do I need to redefine my relationship with? Will I be able to love him as I should? Would I be as open as I could be? How unfair would it be to him, that another man has experienced what is his?
This is why I say that we simply become robots of the game. All my game playing has left me in a place of emotional brokenness. I shouldn’t be afraid to become attached to someone if he is serious about me, and has created an atmosphere of trust and comfort, but I am. I shouldn’t be afraid to share certain things with someone if he has created an atmosphere of trust and comfort, but I am. It is important to guard one’s heart, but mine is in a maximum security prison.
Despite still having some unattached pieces from the puzzle of emotional wholeness and integrity, God has allowed me to put many of the pieces back together again. I don’t flirt anymore. It is a dangerous and unfair game. I watch how I give compliments. There is a compliment and then there is the deliberate stroking of the ego.
I understand that it is not my job to make a man who is not my husband or intended husband feel like he is Superman. You affirm a man too much, he either becomes attached if he’s not averse to the idea of a relationship or runs if he is averse. Affirmation is a powerful thing to a man, and if you can make him feel like he’s Superman he also recognizes that you can become his kryptonite; meaning he recognizes that you are a force to be taken seriously.
I’ve learnt to set boundaries, and I’ve learnt to ask questions. I ask from the get go what a man’s intentions are where I’m concerned. If you are not serious about me, then we shouldn’t be having certain conversations, we shouldn’t be sharing certain jokes and information, and you probably shouldn’t be taking me out to nice, cozy dinners and giving me gifts.
I’ve also taken note of the things that I value. I understand that giving gifts is a big part of how I demonstrate love, so I don’t give gifts to all and sundry. It may be a normal way of life to the man, but to me it’s a big deal, and somewhat alters the way I feel about an individual.
I don’t know how to guide a young man along the path of emotional integrity, but I can say this: I believe that God has called the young men in the body to stand apart from the young men of the world. They stand apart by understanding that their rightful place is the place of leadership. They stand apart by understanding that theirs is a role of protection, and subsequently demonstrating this comprehension by guarding and protecting the emotions of the young women with whom they interact. They stand apart by operating in integrity when pursuing a woman in the Body.
Gentlemen, it makes absolutely no sense pursuing women when you know that settling down is afar off for you. It is not your job to flatter a young woman that you have no intention of taking seriously, and you should feel absolutely no guilt about it. It doesn’t matter how much you say that we are “just friends.” If your mouth is saying one thing but your actions are saying another, the woman will most likely go with what you are doing. Do not be alarmed that even after you’ve said a million times that we are just friends that a woman falls for you, if you’re treating her like only someone who is her man should.
My eyes have become heavy, and the clacking sound of the keys of my keyboard is no longer appealing. I have church in a few hours, but I would hope that this post would open the discourse on emotional integrity amongst young men and women of God, and even those who are in the world. After all, He came that we would all have life more abundantly. I’m off for now. And it is possible that you will hear more on this topic from me. Shalom!”
Originally written on November 3rd, 2012 for a WordPress blog.