How I came to start being attracted to dangerous men and what finally brought it to and end.

When I was 18-21 I was attracted to men that simply didn't like me back. Or, at least that I had to fight to get reciprocation from. This admittedly still was a problem for me a few times after the age of 22. The most recent time I caught myself chasing after a guy who wanted nothing more than sex was just a year ago. But at the age of 18-21 that was ALL I sought out and I would become consumed with the desire to satisfy this guy that could give a fuck less if I lived or died. It became an obsession to gain the approval from these men.

It's easy to see from my past blogs that I have some serious daddy issues. The term "daddy issues' actually seems too light to even describe the amount of trauma caused by my biological father.

This mindset took a dangerous turn when I met Nick.

A friend of mine had told me I should contact Nick. She had been on a date with him a year before but met someone else and always remembered how sweet he was. I decided to give it a shot and sent him a message on facebook. We went out for drinks that night. Nick was thin, very thin. I had a type back then and it was emaciated. He also had two full sleeves of tattoos, grundgey messed up hair, and if you looked closely a black tooth to the side of his mouth. The black tooth only momentarily deterred me.

Nick was obviously very sad, and very angry. He was emotionally disturbed and completely unstable. It was very clear right off the bat. He also was a bad alcoholic and enabled me to drink copious amounts without judgement. These things all coupled with the fact that he seemed apathetic in general and toward me drove me into an obsession. I would start trying, hopelessly, to get Nick to "love" me back.

The first time I went to Nick's home I was greeted by a huge taxidermy polar bear. When I looked around there were animals hung up all over the place. They were his dad's. His dad also built the cabin, which was actually very impressive. The animals all over the cabin staring at me were a bit eerie but did little to stop my lusting, if anything the creepy cabin just made me more intrigued. I met Nick's mother and father relatively fast and they were actually really nice folks. I would come to notice later that even they were, I think, a bit scared of their own son.

I hung out with Nick constantly. At least twice a week and usually the hang outs would turn into a 3 day bender. We'd usually start by drinking beers at a bar, then move onto liquor until we blacked out. We'd wake up, have a bloody Mary to cure out hangover, go to a bar, and come back to his dad's cabin to have more alcohol.

Nick confided in me that he was bi-polar and untreated. He also admitted to having rage problems. I started to notice this over the next few months. When he got angry he would flip out and throw things, scream, punch things. I always got pretty scared when this happened and to make it worse if I looked at him, accidentally in the wrong way, he would scream at me. I remember vividly a time we were coming back from his band practice (he played bass in a heavy band, another thing that lured me in) and he had some back pain. I was looking at him concerned and apparently he interpreted this as me looking at him like he was "crazy" and he started violently screaming at me.

Nick wouldn't admit that we were in a relationship. We had been dating for many months but he just wouldn't commit.

I remember Nick getting jealous and possessive at some point, I was talking to him one night and told him I was going to wal-mart with a friend. When we went to the store her car stalled and we had to get it jumped. This took awhile and my phone was at home. When I returned home I had a long string of abusive, angry messages. I called him and he was livid and screaming and questioning my whereabouts. I finally convinced him it was just a car issue and continued seeing him still.

I somehow don't remember exactly how I got away from Nick. I know he was blocked on all my accounts so it probably happened after another fight.

I do remember briefly letting him back in during a low period in my life. I was addicted to speed and he came over and we got drunk and did a ton of mdma and he then decided he was madly into me and wanted me to be with him. At this point I was uninterested in that and pushed him away hard, and fast. My memory of that entire period is a blur of drug abuse and alcoholism but I know I re-blocked him.

I would later unblock him AGAIN and have a brief conversation with him. I explained how I quit drinking and did yoga and he started cussing at me and telling me what a disgusting fucking hippie I had become. I blocked him again post haste and sat there with chills wondering why I had tried to talk to him again.

Four years later I would meet the man that ended my gravitation toward violent men and gave me PTSD.

About little over a year ago I met Adam. I was at another low-point in my life. I had recently become homeless after being raped by a relative, whom my mom sided with, and was at the time living in a motel with 3 friends and was pretty regularly suicidal.

I met Adam on facebook through a vegan group. Initially I didn't even think of him as an option romantically. He was fourty-three and had an ex-wife and kids. But we started talking about food and gardening and eventually we were talking on the phone regularly. He seemed to be a really good friend. I came to enjoy the companionship and comfort I found in Adam.

After a few months in the motel my friends and I moved into a house. At this point Adam and I were talking about meeting in person. I was hesitant but excited. He had sent me a really sweet box of comic books and a really cool knife. I had sent him my favorite book with a handmade book-mark. We were starting to develop feelings for one another. This is when he confessed to me that he had been in prison for 3 years for almost killing someone with his bare hands.

I know, that isn't even a flag, that is a sign that clearly says "GET THE FUCK OUT", but I didn't.

I accepted his explanation of how his wife had cheated on him for years and he went to talk to this guy and the guy punched him and he flipped out. Somehow, I had decided the broken ribs, broken jaw, and broken eye-sockets he then inflicted upon this man were totally justified, or at least excused away by it being a crime of passion. I also didn't dig deeper into why he didn't even know the location of his three kids and why his ex-wife didn't let them talk to him.

I was pretty terrified of Adam right off the bat. It didn't help ease my fear that he was 6"2 and about 240lbs of solid muscle, covered in prison tattoos, with a shaved head and a crazy, detached look in his eyes. I was scared of him but I was excited in that same way I had been when I dated Nick years before. I was even more scared of Adam though. Nick I could have fought off very easily if I had to, Adam could kill me with his hands in a matter of minutes.

For a few months things went mostly well, aside from some fights, and him saying alarming things in text messages. My friends all told me to get out but I still thought things were fine enough. I started staying weekends at the place he lived, 2 hours away from my home. I stayed there every weekend and every weekend we got REALLY drunk, and again I was with a violent alcoholic that enabled my own unhealthy drinking habits.

Adam started to get very jealous. He started going through my phones, and my computer when I was asleep. He found something I had sent to my friend saying how I was scared he may be abusive and he went into a rage. He now called me constantly when I wasn't with him to the point that I couldn't even watch a movie with my roommates or I would have messages about how I was fucking them. He was trying to isolate me from my friends.

One weekend while I was at his place things got really dark. On the first day we got hammered and he went into his gun closet and had a shot gun in his mouth and was threatening to pull the trigger. I don't remember what spawned this but the smallest thing could send him into a violent rage. Normally he just threw things at wall and screamed but on this night he had a shotgun in his mouth. I frantically tried to make him take it out when he wouldn't I went into a corner and blocked my ears and starting sobbing and repeating "No, god no", over and over again.

Then next day when he went into another jealous rage accusing me of fucking one of my friends. I never fucked anyone else while I was with him. I decided I was done. We were both drunk, as usual. I told him I was finished and started packing my bag. I was going to leave. Never mind that I was 2 hours from home with no car, and no cell phone service, I was done. He came over to my packed bag, picked it up, and threw it into a wall. My laptop which I needed for work was in it. I picked up his laptop and threw it and asked him how he likes people breaking his shit. This was a mistake....

He started aggressively trying to get my backpack from me to break everything in it. He started taking out all my make up and glass object and throwing them. Broke my perfume. Smashed my external PC fan. Was trying to completely total my laptop. He got the battery out of it and broke that. I was curled up protecting my laptop because I seriously had no other source of income and couldn't afford a new one. He was above me hitting me in my back repeatedly and screaming at me about what an ugly, fat piece of garbage I am. Over and over just screaming horrible stuff like this while beating me and trying to get to my laptop.

I finally was able to start kicking him with my steel toed boots and got away from him enough to get out my cell phone. It had no service but would dial 911 and I knew this so I told him to back really far away while I grabbed my belongings or I would dial. He did. I got out of the place quickly, forgetting almost everything. I was walking down the street when I heard Adam's truck pull up beside me. He was screaming at me to get in the truck. Terrified he would aggressively get me into his truck I ran toward a neighbor's house and started yelling loudly about what he had done to me and why I wouldn't get into his truck. This effectively scared him off.

I ended up having to walk for hours to get access to a phone. I saw people with a phone, asked them if I could please use it, explained the situation and they would say "no" and put it away. I was baffled. Businesses even turned me away. I finally got to a 7-11 where I got ahold of one friend, and had to get him to get online and contact another friend. I told him to relay the entire story. My friend Kirby drove almost 2 hours to come and rescue me.

Adam harassed me via any means he could find for a month. Sending me messages about how disgusting, fat, and worthless I am. At this point I had severe PTSD. I woke up all night sweating and panicked. Shot u out of bed after night terrors and had to turn on the light and sit there hyperventilating. This lasted for many months and I still have issues from this experience.

But apparently that is what it took to make me wise up and stop going after scary, violent men.

I am now dating a very loving man who would absolutely never lay a finger on me and who I can't even imagine screaming out of anger. He is attentive, affectionate, loving, and doesn't fly into jealous rages, even if I do hang out with men. I am so glad to have finally gotten past my twisted obsession with damaged, dangerous men. I have no doubt in my mind that if things had went differently that night, I could be dead. Or at the very least would have ended up battered in a hospital bed.

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic abuse please reach out.

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