Starting Over

The end is the easy part, it just happens. the question is how did we get there and then what? The end starts way before you even realize it is there but still seems to appear rather unexpectedly. OK, so maybe the end is not that easy after all, but for sure the new beginning is both much harder and kinda exciting.

What I am talking about is the end of a long term relationship. In particular my long term relationship of over 20 years of marriage. It was not a mutual agreed upon ending and I never saw the signs till I was standing with my toes dangling over the edge of the the end. Asking why? why is this happening to me? why now? we had plans for the future. and now what? at my age of 51, how do I start all over again. I will get to that part latter on, but it seems that first I must answer some difficult question of myself.

Why?, does it really matter? yes and no. If you can answer the why question, truthfully, at least to yourself it will. I think cause me to learn from the past in the hopes of not repeating the past again, in essence becoming a better man. Since the break up was not mutual, I need to look into what is was that she said. Which is that she still does love me and will never love another human being as much as she loves me. However, she feels that she is not a strong enough woman for me. (what ever that means). She hopes that I will learn to love myself and that I will find that strong woman out there somewhere. The pretty much sums up our last conversation. I do not know if I will ever understand what the heck she means by a stronger woman, not sure if I ever will. many will say she had something going on the side, but I refuse to believe that, I very well may be stupid, but I am not dumb, I am 100 percent sure of our monogamous relationship, enough said on that. The end came like a blink of an eye, but looking back I can see the signs, I just wish I would have seen them sooner, but too damn late for wishing. now it is time for learning. She has suffered depression for many years, and very well might be an inheritance gene, and no I am not trying to of set the blame on her, it takes two to tango. I am just trying to point out the signs that I either ignore or refused to see. And I am going to try my best to learn from this. in short she became reclusive, not only would she spend her time shut behind the bedroom door, but she would refuse my attempts to draw her out, eventually I just stopped trying. May be that is a part of the problem, life can become so routine, mundane and boring if you let it. work, eat, sleep and repeat. Hell, that would drive anyone to depression. courting a woman is a very exciting time. you want nothing more than to make her smile and let her know that you are thinking of her every minute of the day. The pace is just crazy as you tick off the hours and minutes till you can see her again and absolutely nothing short of the end of the world will stop you. Well, even a rock will wear away to the wind if given enough time as does that feeling of first love, if you let it. And I let it, sad to say, but I have to admit it. I let the winds of time sweep away that spark called love. That doesn't mean that I ever stopped thinking of her every day, I just got caught up in the rat race (work, sleep, eat and repeat) and slowly over time stopped showing it. I guess I took our relationship for granted, gradually the gestures of my love towards her became more spaced out and eventually dwindled away to nothingness. So, Ok, maybe I am dumb too. What did I expect? To grow a health plant it takes water, food and pruning, withhold any one of those and eventually the plant will wither and die away. Which brings up a rule to live by, Never ever, let a day pass without expressing your profound love for her. even if you find yourself fighting like cats and dogs, never let her once doubt your love for her, never. This is obviously not a rule for starting over, but will come into play, hopefully in the near future. And very well could be a good idea to tattoo this rule on the back of your hand once your new love says yes to you, and I don't mean engagement or marriage. I mean when she agrees to see you on a regular basis. That way you will never forget it. this is my first ever blog, I mean it to help me to understand myself better. If by sharing with someone else, I can help them along the way, so much the better. I welcome feedback,constructive feedback, that is. Until later, Peace and Grace to you.