When I was 16, I became a christian on my own. Yeah I gave my heart to Jesus and all that. 

I was the only believer in my family back then.

It's funny how things turned out.

Back then, I was very intrigued by the idea of God simply because I liked how there was something out of this world out there.

I started doing a lot of research on God, and Jesus.

After thinking that it was 'cool', I gave my heart to Jesus. I did it online. Yep. I just recited that passage thingy all new believers do.

I honestly had a blast for my first few years as a believer.

I enjoyed going to church, as introduced by my best friend back then.

I enjoyed singing worship songs because... it's singing and that's fun.

I enjoyed meeting new, like-minded people who all seemed to be united in one cause.

And well, I enjoyed meeting girls in church. For some reason, church always drew pretty girls.

I guess you could say I was pretty involved with church and trying to be in sync with God's ways.

I remember feeling guilty about masturbating and watching porn.

But I did it anyway seeing as how I could always pray for forgiveness.

This you could say, was too convenient. It was also the start of the descent of my faith.

Everything was just too god damn convenient.

All my doubts were always met with a convenient answer that never addressed the contradictions, grey areas and the worst of them all, double standards.

I remember asking my youth mentor an extremely hypothetical question.

"What if I prayed for it to rain, but another person out there prayed for it to be sunny?"

His answer, "Just pray for God's will then!"

I wasn't trying to be a smart ass. I was just really bothered and confused. 

I hated that answer. It made it seem like worship and prayer was useless. We might as well all just prayed for God's will and call it a day forever.

I remember dating my first girlfriend whom I met in church then. She was so full of shit.

She would constantly critique my lifestyle (because I'd partied and drank alcoholic beverages) and how it just wasn't God's way. She also didn't allow us to have sex.

I asked her then, what if our pastor sinned? What if he had a shady past when he was younger?

She got angry and replied, "Geez! Nobody's perfect! Stop being so hard on him!"

I remember breakdancing for a little performance we had during a  barbecue gathering.

The crowd had went fucking nuts for me.

Later on, one of the youth ministers sat down with me and told me to not "steal the limelight from God" because it should have been my job to get people to start believing in God, not show off my talents.

What the fuck did I do?! The youth group wanted a performance and so we gave it!

I remember waiting for the bus one day when a group of middle-aged ladies from a nearby catholic church came by.

One of them was like, "Yo! I was just cooking that day in the kitchen and the holy spirit just took over! Shit was amazing!"

The other ladies were all, yeah yo! God is great!

Okay, they didn't really say it like that exactly. I am just trying to be funny here. But they were really enthusiastic about the conversation and all the fixed teachings they were fed.

I am really not here to bash religion, Christianity or Jesus.

I just couldn't stomach the convenience anymore.

Everyone had a ready-made, pre-packaged answer from the bible, nay, their own interpretation of the bible.

When I started to believe, I did believe that God loves me. 

But when we together in church, the love suddenly felt so manufactured.

I didn't feel special anymore.

And everyone else was annoying me.

I started to descend.

I just started reading other books and talking to others. I opened up to the world.

I was your classic backslider.

I could not believe that God would send a moral person to hell and burn for all eternity.

I could not believe that the idea of good and evil can be fitted in a single book called the bible.

I could not believe that God is not just a mere observer. That is why bad shit happens to good people while good things can happen to bad people, 'good' and 'bad' of course, being subjective as hell (see what I did there?) 

That said, I am honestly angry. I don't know why my dad had to fall sick.

I could not believe that God had nothing better to do than frown down upon me for jacking off.

Today, I am the only non-christian in my family. My brother and my mom have taken to believing in God ever since my dad passed away.

Ironically enough, it was me who brought them to my old church.

I just wanted my mom to have some company and something to believe in I guess.

The deal was sealed when she told me one day that she had a dream about my dad, who, in the dream, was sitting down. Then he told her that God is real and is the right path to everything in life.

I didn't bother arguing.

I think religion is fine. I think it's okay to have a crutch lean on especially when you really need it.

Just... never stop having faith in yourself though.

That's the most important thing. 

Don't ever underestimate yourself because you're your own universe inside of you. 

You're a hero to somebody.

And dare I say, you're a god in some sense.

Whatever you choose to believe in the end, be it yourself or others never stray from these simple rules:

1. Work hard and just be happy.

2. Don't be an asshole.

3. Help others whenever you can.

That's it.

You don't need a god to tell you that. But if you feel like you do, well, more power to you then.

And it shall be good.

Peace,

Alden