Hiccups and Sex - Yes, I know, crazy!

Out of nowhere, a sepulchral silence. Everyone is looking at you. Concerned faces, a pause that lasts several eternal seconds... A salivating friend that is shy of chewing the chip he just got into his mouth, now wanting to make any noise. "It's OK guys, it's just hiccups" you say, people laugh and take over the conversation topic of breathing, something that you; for a while; will have a bit difficult time doing.

Then you explain to one of them that it was not a burp, another one says "bless you" and Mary, uncomfortable, tells you that she thought you choked on some food. Her boyfriend asks you if you've asthma, because he has a coworker that sometimes gets that sort of "small spasms". No, dumb-ass, it's just hiccups. It'll be gone in a minute.

After a while all these unofficial medical experts throw vain solutions like a Gatling machine gun. Take seven sips of water looking down, breathe into a bag, hold your breath two minutes, jump performing a back-flip as you sing "I'm singing in the rain". And again, Mary's boyfriend, making such an effort to fit in... That guy is freaky. We hate Mary's boyfriend, and she knows it. Anyways, such a scene for an exaggerated inhalation.

The thing is what to do, -if there's something that can be done- to not interrupt a meeting like that. Perhaps a roller-coaster simulator? If you got one, you paid for it for nothing: The only guilty here is your diaphragm. That rebel as essential muscle in the lower part of our chest. Because hiccups is nothing else but a spasmodic contraction -looping-of your diaphragm and intercostal muscles.

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What is it?

When everything is fine, the diaphragm contracts as you inhale and the thorax expands to take air into your lungs. Also, it relaxes as you exhale to take that air out. But sometimes, like everyone, he's irritated and ends up doing anything but what he's supposed to do. Lets say that: You insult your boss, quit, eat 5 pounds of chocolate ice cream and 2 packs of chips; messing up the respiration process. From now on, everything is more complicated. You feel "something" closing up in your throat. The thing is, that contraction and relaxation are controlled by the phrenic and vagus nerves, the first one is in charge of sending signals from the brain to the diaphragm, the other one extends from the brainstem down to the abdomen. If they send abnormal impulses, they make the diaphragm to contract suddenly. When this irregularity -I never used so many so many synonyms for "abnormal"!!!- makes it to the larynx (that tube in your neck), the glottis closes and produce the hiccups.

The potential reasons.

So, yes, eating a lot and too fast is one of the causes. Someone could have told you before you joined that glucose orgy, dammit. Also, feeling stressed, anxious or excited. It is rather normal, to wake up from an anesthesia with hiccups. Also, that cliché, getting drunk is a possible reason.

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But, we need solutions Renzo!

Lets dip into them. Meh, suggestions... OK, smoke puffs. Scientists and physicians still haven't found an accurate cure for this "sudden respiration". Nothing, zero, zip of what your friends told you has a scientific background/backup. We are "playing by ear". But Tyler Cymet, former President of the Baltimore City Medical Society and Maryland Association of Osteopathic Physicians, made a 5 year long research about hiccups (If you believe that he wastes time and talent, let me warn you that he played a key role treating victims in the 2001 anthrax attacks in the US... He can do whatever he pleases with his time). He started in '95 with several treatments that involved holding your breath and some medicines. Results? None. None of the techniques rendered effectively effective -I love how that sounds!- to cure that annoying hiccups. He concluded that the hiccups is gone whenever he fucking pleases (That is not a direct quote but after 5 years... No results, one may guess that he was pissed).

source

Some people suggest that the root of this issue comes from our amphibious ancestors, since this breathing pattern (reason why you've a retard screaming "BOOO!" in your face) is normal in tadpoles. But, of course, it is easy with gills. The brains sends a signal that is supposed to close the glottis and prevent liquids from reaching the lungs passing through the gills only. It is believed that this reflex could have climbed up our evolutive tree, even when this info is not even useful to level the TV.

Good for you, that made it until here to read that this interrupted breathing has no cure, I've a reward for you! Like when in a party you stay until the end and you notice that they are serving pizza! well, just like that but with sex. No, wait! I'm not serving sex. Spring just started and I haven't had time to hit the gym. For now, only the following words: A guy named Dr. Francis Fesmire studied the hiccups and concentrated in the vagus nerve that I previously named. He found out that a way of treating it is over-stimulating that part of the brain. Among several maneuvers (pulling the patient's tongue, provoke gags, compressing parts of the neck during the exhalation) he found a great potential "cure": the orgasm.

The thing goes like this, the hearth and the hiccups are affected by the vague nerve. Then, the Doctor recalled a paper* that mentions how to end a tachycardia with a rather curious method, digital rectal massage. He tried it digitally. Effectively (giggles), the hiccups frequency lowered and in 30 seconds, it vanished. But, how? Fesmire explains that the rectum is full of sympathetic and parasympathetic nerves, that control the functions and involuntary acts and they are very sensitive to pressure. So, basically, if you know how to use a Playstation joystick, you know how to do it. R1, Up, Down, R2... Done.

(Save the link attached at the end of the article, it may be useful later!)

Hiccups is only present in mammals, and, generally speaking, it only lasts a few minutes. There's a few cases where it lasted days, even weeks. Can hiccups kill you? NO
It may unleash, rarely, another serious problem, but the usual is that it'll go away on its own.

Resuming:

• It's not proved that the urban myths can cure hiccups.
• If we had gills!!! ...
• No, it cannot kill you... But if you keep on listening to Mary's boyfriend's anecdotes thanks to it: You may end up dead of boredom.
• Always stay until the end of the party unless:
• Your rectum is part of the Playstation tournament.

*Termination Of Paroxysmal Supraventricular Tachycardia By Digital Rectal Massage.

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