Ever since I was a kid, I always tried to fit in every single place I went. From doing stupid shit to make people laugh to agreeing with stuff I didn't agree with, I've never lived the way I wanted.
I created a public persona, that contains some aspects of me, but it's mighty influenced by the people I'm around. I always change my behavior according to the people I'm with.
Master of disguise.
I change my interests all the time, according to people I hang out with. Music styles are changed very regularly - I know stuff from a lot of genres, because you learn a ton when you adapt all the time.
I learn sports rules, because some friends like that sport and others like a different one.
Poker face.
I never fully understood the scale of this thing until the end of school a couple of years ago. We created a card with our name that everyone from the class wrote something in. A girl I didn't really hang out with wrote:
"I feel like you have a poker face on all the time, but you are nice anyway...."
Another one wrote :
"...You're sort of a weirdo, never laugh much, but I'll miss you anyway..."
I realized that maybe I'm not that good at pretending...
Always liked, never understood.
My act created sort of a status where everyone likes me for a friend, because I'm always interested in what they have to say and act like I care and like what they say.
But I feel like nobody really cares for me anymore, because I never tell anyone what I actually like, just bits I let through. People sometimes try to get to know me better and I pretend that there is nothing deeper about me, just the things I do and say normally.
I like to stylize myself as kind of a simpleton, who likes stupid jokes and says weird stuff.
People know I'm not dumb, but I don't really show that. That doesn't always work, sometimes I get into a conversation about something I know a lot about and lose myself and start saying a lot of facts and intelligent quotes and people just stand there and look at me and are like : "What just happened?"
There is hope.
I've always been me when I was alone. Lately, I've slowly stopped caring about what people think of me and started showing parts of real me. People thought I was acting rude haha - I stopped liking their stupid opinions and started voicing mine. I lost a few friends, but what kind of a friendship is it, if it's only based around me kissing your opinions?
I feel as I am getting more lonely, I'm becoming more ME, hopefully ME isn't an asshole
-Secret Writer
To learn more about the Secret Writer, go here
It takes some people a lifetime to become themselves. Good for you for starting on that journey when you did rather than waiting until you'd built an entire life based on what you thought others expected and wanted from you - and having to dismantle it in order to dig to the core of who you really are. Better to begin again as who you really are, even if it seems like you're alone. This way you can create yourself and your life as you truly want, and you'll find that the people you're meant to surround yourself with will appear... and they'll embrace you just as you are.
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Once you get to know yourself, you never need to feel lonely again. The most lonely feeling is to stand in a room full of people who don't respect you. Peace
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When you are alone is when you can be yourself, and that is finally when you get to know yourself...so if it takes a few days, a few weeks or even a few months of being alone, take that time to get to know who you really are and once you are happy with that, it will show and people will accept how you are.
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strange post
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Dear Secret Writer,
This took guts to write about. I think more people experience this than you would think. You've hit on a nerve that points to the fact that our culture largely forms who we are. It also points to the fact that you have a desire to become authentic. I really commend you for writing this.
I think younger people experience this more than older people, but I think it's still an issue. When our survival depends on our relationship to others and we are fake when we make those relationships, then this type of thing will exist. I have gone through this too. I was raised to be likable and to avoid conflict.
I spent a lot of energy in my youth pretending to be someone I am not. Luckily, I have been working on this and recently have been able to say "no" to people. In order to be honest to others, you first need to spend time alone to decide things for yoruself. You get to decide what kind of friends you want. Spending time alone is the best thing you can do when you're feeling like a fake. Your true self will be able to emerge without threats. Good luck and I would say yes to you to continue questing yourself. This is progress for sure.
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I think you would be surprised how many older people go through exactly this kind of experience. After all, we "have been there, done that" but all along we had the same insecurities that younger people have.
The difference is that we got married, started families, had to raise our children, many times under very difficult financial and personal circumstances, to become responsible adults who would be able to start the whole circle afresh.
In between life hands out all kinds of other crap like going through a divorce, or a spouse that dies prematurely (leaving us with sorting out our lives on our own), having to take care of our parents and going through and coping with diseases like cancer of dementia... children getting into troubles with drug addictions, unexpected teenage pregnancies, losing their jobs and moving back in with you... and all the while you have to pretend that you are coping with all these things.
Somewhere down the line you lose the one constant companion that you could always count on; YOU! and you don't even look into the mirror in the mornings anymore, because you do not know who you are.
Your life is passing away with every hour and day, but still you have to go on... because people see you as "such a strong woman" - you joke about it, put up the walls around you to protect yourself from being hurt, but life goes on and you have to go with the flow. There is nothing else you can do but try to survive this thing called LIFE!
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I believe that to act this way denotes a great lack of autoesteem and a lack of personality, It is necessary to be like your you are, same this way you will know the people who indeed loves you for since you are.
Act depending of the people who surrounds you isnt the solution, upside-down it turns into a great problem because as he says the history ultimately nobody knows you and you feel alone.
It is never late to take the reins of your life and to act of correct form.
Spirit to the person who exists behind the history and luck!
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Learning to trust, love and BE one's true inner self to the whole world can be a long, painful journey, but so worth the effort. Blessings, love and best wishes to you and all in various levels of this growth process who read this.
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Thanks to the author for the nice time reading post! <3
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Great article!
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The first picture scares me. but it gives a good vibe to read thru.
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Great post! Stellabellle. I love you
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Every experience has value, and so does this one. Although you hid yourself and masqueraded as whatever you needed to be, you also learned a lot about human nature, what friendship should mean, and how to read people. While that doesn't lessen the pain of the experience, at least you can take comfort in that you have gained much from it, and are now more willing to expose yourself, however that may be received by others.
Sometimes we can all be assholes, but that you can identify this reality in yourself probably means you aren't.
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