"I hate this feeling this way."
~All of us at one time or another

From the moment we’ve been aware of emotions, we’ve all experienced a number of them. There have been happy times and bad times; exciting times and dull times; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Most days our emotions are range bound. Not too high, not too low. We usually aren’t even aware of our emotion highs and lows on any given day.

The times we are most aware of our emotions is when they move toward extremes. We can be profoundly aware of those joyful moments. Those are the moments that we cherish and treasure. They’re a gift. Then there are those terrible feelings, ones that we might regret, want to forget, and even disown.

Our worst emotions are often the worst because they seem to have a personality of their own. We lose control to those feelings. Under their control, we say and do things we normally wouldn’t do.

The reality about emotions

Of all that we have felt and experienced, emotions are unique to our human existence. Imagine going through life emotionless. That’s strange to even think about, given that we have emotional experiences daily. We know the power that emotions have, a power that influences even the way we feel toward our day.

Like we might get some terrible news. Our immediate reaction to it is sadness, maybe despair. Now the day looks bleak and dreary. There’s no joy to be found, even in that activities we do enjoy. Then someone comes who makes us laugh and smile. Now we feel better and the rest of the day is more enjoyable, even if the impact from the news is still there.

Despite the power that emotions have on the way we experience life, here are a few things we can know about emotions:

• Emotions are not us. No matter how strongly our emotions may feel, we are not our feelings and they are not us. When we think about how often and how quickly our feelings move throughout the day, we would be a scrambled person if we were our emotions. When we realize that our emotions are not our identity, we can let them be scrambled while we remain our self.

• Emotions are neutral. There is no good or bad emotion. Whenever we feel an emotion, it is neither good nor bad. Every emotion has a context that it can be properly or improperly exercised. But the emotion itself is neutral until acted upon. Screaming, yelling, and causing a ruckus in the middle of a library would be the wrong place to act upon feeling upset, yet being upset in itself is not good or bad.

• Emotions have a positive intention. We can easily see this with positive feelings. Feeling good, feeling love, feeling joy, feeling peace – we know that there is a positive intention in those emotions. But what about feeling angry, upset, sad, ashamed? Such feelings often offer protection for some aspect of our personhood.

Managing unhelpful emotions

Coming from a self-parts framework, I consider emotions to be shared between inner psyche parts and the self. Parts often express with emotions and feelings as though those were their own. So a basic approach to negative emotions would be to introduce parts with positive emotions in order to limit the negative feelings. Here are a couple of ways to do that:

Physical state

Probably one of the quickest ways to limit the feeling of an extreme emotion is to change our physical state. One well-known technique is to take deep and controlled breaths. Another way would be to movement, even if it is low intensity. This could be going for a 10-minute walk or exercising at the gym.

Emotions themselves are a physical state or at the very least connected to a physical state. Fear would be accompanied by an increase in heart rate. Happiness would be accompanied by an increase in the feel-good chemicals in the brain. If you have experienced any emotional state, you can enter that state again. It might take some practice if you haven’t experienced that emotion in a while but it is possible.

One way would be to simply pretend you are happy. What does a happy person look like? How do they stand? What do their eyes look like? How do they move?

You can stand the same way, make your eyes glow the same way, move the same way. And at the same time put on music that makes you happy. And at the same time look at a picture of a happy memory. This would help to limit an extreme emotion.

Detachment

Because the human psyche enjoys giving life to our parts, we can simply ask the parts with negative emotions to disengage from us. If we were to feel unhappy, we might say (internally or out loud), “Unhappy part, could you step back for a few moments and let me have some space?” Most of the time, the unhappy part will honor the request.

What if the part refuses to do it? Sometimes this happens. And it usually happens when it has a concern. So we would ask it what its concern is. And then address the concern. Afterward, the part will honor the request for space.

And sometimes a part will not respond at all. That also happens at times. So in that case we usually negotiate with the part. We might let the part know that we know it wants good for us and that we’re not here to get rid of it. We just want space because the feeling it has is not helpful. Usually when we express appreciation and then our concern with the part’s feelings, the part will detach along with its emotions.

How do you tend to manage your unhelpful emotions? Share if you’d like in the comments below. And if you need help in managing some of your unhelpful or worst emotions, I'm here for you. Schedule a free coaching conversation now. Thanks always for reading!