Tonight I’ve been experiencing a recurring pattern for myself in which I get the idea within my head that I should not do something. It’s like this signal I get from ‘somewhere’ but instead of always recognizing it as coming from inside my head, I see, realize, and understand that I define it partially as influenced by external reality. I will from this post go into more detail as to the exact nature of this participation-pattern, explain some of it’s components, and show how self-forgiveness and self-corrective application like breathing can be useful in stopping-participating in a pattern like this and can, when done correctly, actually lead to a transcendence of the point. For more on this check out Living Words .

So, what this idea comes from and presents itself as is a mixture of internal dialogue and the belief that the external quantum reality is ‘coloring’, so-to-speak the moment where I believe that I have somehow tuned into what reality-at-large apparently needs within that moment. It’s almost like a ball game, so-to-speak, where I have the ball and in order to help humanity/existence within a moment, I sort of have to ‘juke out’ or ‘trick’ people so I can emerge in a new and unexpected place. Thus, by cancelling my plans, I will create the necessary momentary pause or confusion that will allow me to, in the ensuing chaos, emerge with something representing a plan/lesson.

So I’ll experience this pattern as the sudden urge to cancel plans. For example, I have a commitment to meet up with a friend or family member or I committed to working at a job on a certain day in the next week. The way the pattern usually begins is I experience brief moments of anxiety. These moments are those hesitation-moments where I consider the event coming up in my life and experience the negative emotion of hesitation to this thing. A single thought creeps into my mind regarding my preconceived ideas or perception about this thing that I am committed to doing. Maybe I shouldn’t.

Maybe I Shouldn’t

So the thought is the initial, triggering event in the overall pattern which includes not only the thought about the thing I am going to do but then the negative emotional experience associated with that thought. Then, I may go into repression. I am fairly used to this pattern by now and so sometimes I am actually finding myself trying to just ignore it/hope it goes away.

And, this is where it’s important to understand a little about thoughts and the mind. As I mentioned, the triggering event is a thought, but it is related to what I already believe about the event or thing I am doing to do. As in, before the thought even emerges within my conscious awareness, it has been being ‘prepared’ by my mind consciousness system. Thus, my subconscious/unconscious participations as emotions and feelings, thoughts and reactions related to the thing that I committed to doing are already existent within me and form the possible matrix of how I would react to the thing coming up.

And this is what’s interesting about this, as it relates specifically with Depression, which I have been diagnosed with and Sunette presented a very detailed video about explaining how Depression operates in relation to the Mind Consciousness System on a structural/resonant level Within Depression, your mind consciousness system actually collapses. And it collapses in such a way as to actually cause you to be trapped in the experience of negative emotions rather than experiencing a greater balance between negative, positive, and neutral experiences. Thus, as someone who has suffered through depression, I have extensive experience dealing with the negative emotional side of the mind consciousness system and this gives me a good perspective on the negative, repressive side of this pattern.

So, as I mentioned at the beginning of this section, once the hesitating thought comes in, and as I experience the negative emotional experience attached to that thought (for more about how thoughts and emotions are connected, I recommend to take the DIP Lite course), I am sometimes then drawn into a behavioral dimension where I physically avoid the thing to which I had committed. This can take the form of literally calling/texting whoever it was I had made plans with and cancelling. [This pattern had gotten so bad and so out of control, I’ve actually quit jobs because of it. I became homeless, twice, because of a desire to avoid certain things in my life which I believed were bad for me. If you are participating in such a pattern, I suggest you get help. Depending on the severity of it, you might need to see a doctor.]

Then, either way, the behavioral dimension consists of either doing or not doing the thing to which I had earlier committed. Either way, I almost always experience the backchat dimension. This is the additional mind chatter that goes on usually in hindsight when participating within a pattern or looping behavior. Backchat exists in the form of a sort of continuous dialogue of thoughts that together create beliefs about the pattern.

When you do something you know you shouldn’t do or don’t do something you wish you had, you may experience backchat. “It doesn’t matter that I did it, everybody makes mistakes.” “My internal dialogue was telling me to avoid the thing, it was probably better to avoid it.” “The universe was telling me to do x or not do x”*

That is a really popular and also powerful one. When you experience backchat as the belief that external factors are/are not supporting your decision. This is especially experienced as blame/spite where the perceived behavior/beliefs/attitude of those in our reality serve as justification for our own reaction to a situation.

When I quit my jobs and when I was homeless, I experienced myself as subject to a situation out of my control. While I actually experienced those reactions due to pre-programmed, pre-existing mind consciousness structures within me, afterwards I was able to justify my own behavior with blame towards those around me for causing an untenable situation which ‘forced’ my hand.

Breath

Anyway, recently I have been quite busy at work and taking on multiple clients and so my mind, darling thing that it is, decided to rear it’s head in the form of hesitation towards actually following through with my work commitments. If I can catch the thoughts as they come up, I can stop. I can breath, check in with myself- am I here? Become aware that I am physical, present here, and then move through the thoughts and avoid allowing the negative emotional experience to drag me into a behavioral reaction of avoidance.

And, when I’ve committed to these jobs, I’ve been sometimes pleasantly surprised. Previous backchat around such points was experienced as affirmation of my avoidant behavior and justified my not doing the thing. With enough backchat attached to enough of these loops where I actually avoided doing things, they built into beliefs that it was actually better that I had avoided doing those things. Whether or not these beliefs were true is impossible to know, as I didn’t follow through with those things and so there is no point in reality to cross-reference. But, thus is the nature of the mind: it is capable of getting you to believe the thing you are experiencing is actually true when it is not so in reality.

Of course, there have also been challenges when I’ve followed through with previous commitments, but that goes along with any real life situation and doesn’t preclude doing things. In fact, from a certain perspective, my avoidant behavior could be linked to actually wanting to avoid theses challenges associated with the tasks and not the tasks themselves.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that certain tasks will be bad for me.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that believing certain tasks will be bad for me implies that I have been lured into participating in a mind-pattern that consumes me so wholly as to actually get me to believe that something which hasn’t happened yet can simply be “bad” or “good”.*

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to, in such moments, realize that I am stuck within an experience of the mind because I am in a polarized negative reaction to something.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that, once I am within this polarized negative reaction, the mind pattern has already begun. Meaning, while I experience the initial Thought within my conscious mind as if were organic, in actuality it already existed as part of the mind consciousness system pattern within and as me as an expression of myself from which I have separated myself. I see, realize, and understand that the external thing in my reality ‘intruded’ on my Mind Bubble I was in and triggered a reaction according to what was preexisting in my mind that resonated with the thing to which I committed.

When and as I see myself experiencing a mind reaction in relation to a future task, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to not be subject to the whims and energies of the mind, but to move myself through what is required of me on a physical level to support myself within my world.

I forgive myself for, when and as I experience a negative emotional experience related to the thought of having to do something in my reality, and I then go into a reaction of cancelling/avoiding/suppressing the thing I had planned to do, instead of following through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand how the multiple, simultaneously occurring loops of avoidance within my life accumulated to a point of Depression, which I define here as the inability to properly support oneself within one’s life due to avoidant and/or self-sabotaging behavior.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that multiple individual avoidances related to multiple points in my external reality coexisted within me to form the subconscious and unconscious aspects of this pattern such that Avoidance seeped into all aspects of my life on a Thinking, emotional, and Behavioral level to the point where I was overwhelmed with suppression.

I forgive myself for also not allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I added an additional level to this avoidance on an sub- and unconscious level where I would actually sleep during the daytime and stay awake at night.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that, while I wasn’t sure why I was experiencing such a strange sleeping pattern, in actuality it was another avoidant pattern where only being awake in the middle of the night allowed me to avoid/limit nearly all human interaction.

*As mentioned, as someone afflicted with Depression, I have tended to be drawn more heavily into believing things to be “bad”. Rarely in the past years have I experienced things to be falsely good which indicate that that portion of my mind consciousness system had actually collapsed. Thus, I rarely projected positive feelings onto things but moreso was stuck in the negative experiences of the mind and this tended to correspond, for one reason or another, to avoiding doing things. Other Destonian blogs might provide more relatable stories such as those of going into too much positive energy in relation to things (to then be disappointed).