I want to ask you to recall if you have ever experienced this:
The tighter the time, the more you procrastinate. Obviously, there is a very urgent task, but always procrastinate, but first do other insignificant things, until it is really procrastinated to catch up.
For example: you now have a project to do, leave yourself three months, but in the first two months, you spend time and energy in all sorts of other insignificant trivia, wait until the last month and then rushed to catch up with the work, resulting in the effect is far less than expected.
Love to improvise. In the face of very important things, always refused to go to prepare, but focus on other places, and wait for the approaching and then improvise, hastily on the battlefield.
For example: you have an important event to attend next week, it is reasonable to say that you should prepare, but you do not care, but should play, should rest rest, wait until the day before the event and then comfort yourself: does not matter, improvise on it, so it is more natural ......
As well, always making excuses for yourself. For example, you put the plan and schedule full, but always give yourself excuses: today's weather is not good, next time; today's state is not good, next time; today's mood is not good, next time ...... Thus, a lot of time is wasted in vain, missing the opportunity to polish things to be better.
What do these behaviors simply look like? It's like intentionally trying to waste the opportunity, trying to make the outcome worse, trying to 'fail' yourself.
The truth is, what you probably don't know either: deep down, that's probably exactly what you're thinking.
That's what I want to talk to you about today.
We often face this conflict: rationally, we know what to do, and what actions to take to get better results; but, we just don't want to do it, and we even deliberately waste time and distract ourselves from doing 'useful things'.
And when we review the situation afterwards, we often don't know why this is so ourselves, and what do we always blame these phenomena on? Laziness, procrastination, fear of trouble ......
But in reality, this phenomenon may have a deeper cause: Self-Handicapping.
What is Self-Handicapping? Simply put, it refers to an internal tendency to set limits for yourself, whether consciously or unconsciously, to add problems for yourself, to sabotage your chances of success, and to "find ways" to make yourself fail.
You can think of it this way: there are two little people living inside of you. One villain is always hesitant, setting goal after goal for himself, making a series of plans; while the other villain hides in the shadows, constantly dragging his feet, distracting the first villain, tempting him to do something else, trying to 'trip' him up, trying to make him fail in his goals.
This seems pretty mind-boggling: why would we want to set ourselves up for failure? What good does it really do us?
Of course, it does.
Self-hindering is what it is: making the task harder for us. That way, if we fail, we can pass the buck: it's not that we're incapable, it's because we're in bad shape, ill-prepared, ill-conditioned ...... In short, it's not me who's at fault, it's the world.
And if we succeed, it's even better: in such difficult conditions, facing such a 'headwind game', we can all win, I'm just too good!
Only, most of the time, the results aren't so rosy. Often, problems that were originally very simple are artificially complicated by our egos getting in the way, making them more troublesome and difficult, leading to less-than-satisfactory results.
One of the most common examples is that when faced with an important exam, it is reasonable to revise properly, but many people, even if they realize this, still procrastinate and don't improvise until just before the exam. In this way, if the test failed, can also find a reason for themselves: it is not my ability is not good, just because I did not review only; and if successful, that is I am great, even without review can pass the test.
But how many people, in such self-congratulation and avoidance, have lost touch with success?
That's why I say it's a common and insidious thinking trap. Because it is secretive enough, many people do not realize, but it does exist, real harm to our work and life.
So what is the mechanism of self-impedimentation?
It's not hard to realize that it's designed to preserve our self-esteem and prevent us from facing up to the fact that 'I'm not as good as I think I am'.
Everyone has a basic need in life: to create a self-image that is 'capable' and 'valuable'. This self-image includes both the outside and the inside.
For the external, it is to create an impression in the minds of others, including family, friends, colleagues, strangers ...... No one would want to be useless and scorned in the eyes of others, so we need to constantly "do the right thing" to prove ourselves, to show that we are worthy of respect and recognition by others.
On the other hand, we need to continuously strengthen our sense of value and existence, that is, to strengthen the idea that "I am worthy of being in this world", so that we can convince ourselves that our existence is meaningful and find motivation for our behaviors.
The core factor that supports these two self-images is our self-esteem. The higher a person's self-esteem is, the more they believe they are capable and 'good', which often means more ample confidence and motivation to do more.
And there are two types of high self-esteem. One is healthy high self-esteem. In this case, we identify with ourselves from the bottom of our hearts and are able to have a clear self-awareness of who we are without needing to prove ourselves in any other way.
However, for some people, they may have been compared a lot growing up, or criticized and suppressed, or ignored ...... These experiences may have shaped a kind of 'heterogeneous high self-esteem'. That is, I think I am good, but I can't believe it, and I need to gain the approval of others to help me prove it.
What do we fear so much in this situation? The fear of being found out about 'my lack of ability' - either by others or by us.
So, in order to cover this up, we have learned a skill: that of artificially adding obstacles to ourselves to make it more difficult, thus justifying in advance the outcome 'in case we fail'.
The reason for this is that "proving that I'm good" is a one-time event; if it doesn't work this time, there's another time; but "realizing that I'm not good enough" is a one-time event; if it does, it does, and if it doesn't, it doesn't. If "I am not good enough" occurs once, it may take tens or hundreds of times more effort to make up for it and correct the image later on.
All our self-congratulations and cover-ups are really just to cover this up and try to prevent it from coming true.
Image
As a result, there are three types of people who are most susceptible to self-impeding influences without even realizing it.
- Perfectionists.
Perfectionists tend to have higher expectations of themselves, in other words, they 'set' their self-image higher and more perfect. Therefore, with heterogeneously high self-esteem, they will be easily oriented to 'perfectionist worry'.
What is perfectionist worry? Simply put, it means that they want to always maintain their own image and find it difficult to accept that their image is being destroyed. This will lead them to 'step by step' in life, to consider all issues repeatedly, and to do only what they are sure of, lest they reveal their shortcomings and deficiencies.
As a result, when they are faced with an unsure problem, they tend to subconsciously adopt a self-impeding strategy. Thus, they can shirk the responsibility with peace of mind: it's not my fault, it's too difficult, if the conditions allow, I can certainly do better.
(For more on perfectionism, read this article: The Perfectionist's Guide to Self-Help)
- The impostor.
I've mentioned 'impostor syndrome' in many of my articles. It refers to the mindset of thinking that one's success is accidental, that one has received praise and accomplishments one doesn't deserve, that one has only received them 'by luck', and that one is especially afraid of being found out and pointed out by others.
This phenomenon is quite common. According to a 2011 study, about 70% of the world's population will experience this phenomenon at least once in their lifetimeThe difference is simply that some people experience the phenomenon very rarely, while others suffer from it all the time.
For the impostor, the mindset of self-impediment is well understood since I have always felt that I am 'undeserving of my virtue', I am bound to take steps to avoid this being discovered by others. Consequently, the best strategy is to make things more difficult for myself to see, so that others will understand my difficulty and not realize that I lack the ability to correspond.
(For more on impersonation, read this article: these 3 common symptoms, have you encountered them too?)
- Highly sensitive people.
What happens when our self-esteem takes a hit? Most immediately, we experience negative emotions: depression, loss, sadness, frustration, self-doubt ...... The fear of these negative emotions is a hindrance in itself - it stops us from facing the 'I'm not good enough' thing.
This can be especially true for highly sensitive people.
Because highly sensitive people amplify their emotions and suffer from more intense swings of negative emotions, they will be more sensitive and wary of things that may bring on negative emotions. This can lead them to be more inclined to avoid subsequent negative emotions as much as possible through self-hindering strategies.
Of course, it's not just these three types; in fact, many people experience self-impedimenta ion at one time or another in their lives, but many times we don't even realize it.
So, if you find yourself struggling with this, or feel that you are the type that is prone to self-impedimentation, what are some ways to improve this?
One of the most central points is: acceptance of yourself.
As I said in What exactly is acceptance? we always have a mental image of ourselves, but is this image real? Often it is not.
In our imagination, the "good" self, the self that can choose the right decision at all points, the self that is very action-oriented and never makes mistakes, does not exist, but is only an illusion that we have created by selectively embellishing and modifying our memories and experiences.
In order not to destroy this illusion, we choose to set limits for ourselves, choose not to act, choose to excuse ourselves, which is a typical behavior of putting the cart before the horse. It only traps us in a meaningless illusion, without any progress.
So what is acceptance? In short, it's such a mindset:
Every state in life is the best state in the present moment; every "I" is the best "I" in all possible worlds.
On this basis, every future moment of me, if it is done with intention and seriousness, is the best that 'I' can do. It may not yield the completely ideal result, but it is in the step-by-step actions that "my" life is enriched, enriched and perfected.
In fact, it doesn't really matter what the "past me" was like. What the "future me" is like, what it can do, and what value it can create is more important.
Imagine that our life is a river, and we are traveling in a small boat, constantly encountering and experiencing various people and things. One thing, after meeting us, is carried away by the river, it has passed away and will no longer have any effect on us. What we need to focus on is where the river is taking us.
If you draw on your past self-image and burdens and refuse to let go of your attachment to "I have to succeed," then you are just circling back and forth, and you are not really moving forward at all.
Therefore, instead of carrying an illusory "self-image" to communicate with others, it is better to reveal yourself more openly, so that others can see your true, transparent self.
This will help you to remove unnecessary burdens, so that you can more comfortably pack light and fill up your life.
Finally, a little tip: engage in positive self-talk with yourself.
Many people will habitually resort to negative self-talk. For example:
Self-denial: I'm not good at this, so I'd better avoid it and not touch it;
Self-questioning: this seems like a lot of work, is it beyond my ability?
Self-criticism: what I just said or did was bad, how could I have performed so poorly?
These negative self-talks may not seem serious, but when you regurgitate them in your mind day in and day out, what do you amount to? Reinforcing them repeatedly. And the brain has a property of believing in repetition.
And so, over time, the brain will believe them, thereby toning down its opinion of itself and allowing itself to literally become what it regurgitates and recites -- i.e.: you're tying yourself up in negative imagery and negative self-talk and locking yourself up in a cage of your own making.
Therefore, the very first step in creating change is to turn negative dialog into positive self-talk. For example:
I'm not good at this, so I'm better off avoiding it and not touching it
→ I have another opportunity to grow my experience.
This seems like a lot of work, is it out of my league?
→ Am I getting better at it? Might as well take this question for a test drive.
What I just said or did was bad, how could I have behaved so poorly?
→ I've improved from before, maybe I can do better next time.
A special note here: many books may teach you to 'self-suggest', such as constantly telling yourself 'I'm great', 'I'm strong', 'I'm awesome' - but this is wrong.
Why? Research has found that self-suggestion that is too vague and not specific enough, and that the brain itself doesn't believe in, is not only ineffective, but also counterproductive. It instead brings problems to the forefront and makes problems that weren't that serious seem worse.
Therefore, what's a better approach? When you're faced with a difficult problem, instead of telling yourself in a vague way, "I'm great, I'll be able to solve it," tell yourself with certainty:
I don't have to be afraid of it. Whether I succeed or fail, it will be a part of my life, a fun experience.
If I stop, my life will become a pool of stagnant water.
Only by moving forward can I live up to this wonderful life of infinite possibilities that I have been given.