[SELF-HONESTY] Keeping Up Appearances is a Full Time Job

I had a chat with someone about my studies, and how I was experiencing myself when writing essays, and the point of why I choose to study came up. What was revealed was that my starting point of studying is actually appearance, especially towards to my parents, to "make my parents proud" and to not "worry" my parents. Thus the point of studying is not emanating from myself and a true expression of myself, but something done in separation from myself.  All this has been creating a lot of internal stress, and limited my actual capabilities (cognitive and other) to actually move and express myself. What was also revealed was a point of guilt that has been so all-encompassing and sort of a living expression of 'who I am' that I haven’t even noticed it until now. I will dig deeper into this with the help of self-forgiveness. Let me know if you find anything in the writing that is self-dishonest or if you simply recognize these patterns within yourself! Thank you for reading!

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to study within the starting point of ‘showing off’ and for the sake of appearance

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to study to appear busy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to study to not appear lazy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make noises with papers and books when my family is in the vicinity, as to appear busy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to study within the starting point of making my parents proud

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to study within the starting point of making my family proud

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to ask myself “for whom am I studying?”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to study as to not worry my parents about my future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disappointing my parents

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt for not living up to the ideal in my own mind of what a good son is supposed to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the belief that a good son studies and has a plan for his future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a “good son” as studying and having degrees and a “good” future that lies ahead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a bad son and thus doing everything that I believe a “good” son should be doing, and to within this not doing what I want or can do within my reality and to fully express myself, as I am now occupied within the believe that I am bad and thus attempt to be “good”, where this good can never be reached as it will according to the minds design always just not be enough no matter what I do.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to engage in this appearance game, because I believe that I can’t be/perform the real deal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in shame and guilt for this perceived limitation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in guilt by creating a never ending mountain, just as Sisyphus in the story, ever pushing a stone in front of me without actually changing anything

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to lack motivation when doing something for myself, but experience myself motivated when doing something in separation from myself, such as keeping up an appearance, which in turn highlights that I do not actually care about myself YET

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to care about myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to care more about an image of myself than to care about the core and substance of who I am here as breath as life as physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a higher value in the positively charged energy I gain from ‘showing off’ than in the actual physical act of educating myself in my best interest as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience an energetic high when I believe that I have succeeded in ‘showing myself off’ to my parents

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to tell my parents about school results for the sake of experiencing an energetic high

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the physical and compromise my own self-growth potential within trapping myself in a belief that mental energy has a higher value than the physical reality

When and as I see myself ‘showing off’ to my parents with such behaviors as being noisy with books to appear busy, or telling them about school results  – I stop myself – I breathe – seeing and realizing that I’m in a possessed mode where I’m chasing an energetic experience and thus disregard who I am as the physical reality – thus I direct myself to re-assess and re-evaluate the situation within common sense and practicality in line with what is best for all / physical / self, and to not allow myself to be influenced or directed by energy, where I then clear my starting point of why I want to tell my parents, seeing and realizing that it isn't about telling or not telling my parents, but WHO I am within telling them.

When and as I see myself going into resistance of studying because there isn’t an opportunity to show off – I stop myself – I breathe – seeing and realizing that I‘m a slave to energy addiction – thus I direct myself to push through this resistance and commit myself to the task at hand and align the starting point back to myself, for myself

When and as I see myself studying from the starting-point of receiving attention – I stop – I breathe – seeing and realizing that the attention I expect from someone else externally is what I have been neglecting to give myself – furthermore I see and realize that I am placing a condition on me studying, which is partly why the world/humanity is in a dire situation due to people only making calculative decisions/actions based on the how much positive attention/feelings can be received and how much negative attention/feelings can be avoided

When and as I see myself planning for how to best keeping up the appearance of myself as busy towards my parents / family – I stop myself – I breathe – seeing and realizing that I’m within this wasting mental resources and increasing stress in my life for the sake of something shallow as appearance, which is not only useless but actually harmful to myself