Just a few minutes ago something amazing, and new, happened for me.
I just had an orgasm thinking about soft, loving, consensual sex with my partner. For most, people this seems like no big deal but it is the first time in my entire life I have been able to get off without imagining someone degrading or physically hurting me in some way. I always wanted to get off to vanilla sex as I knew that the fetishes I had were due to my early childhood abuse. Your first sexual experiences have an impact on you psychologically and for me, because it was forced on me at a very young age, it completely programmed and set the tone for my future sex life in a way I did not like or desire. I have lived most of my adult life disgusted by the things I have to imagine happening to me in order to reach climax. It lead to very long periods of me having no orgasm because I really, really did not want to get off to such stuff.
Years ago, I tried masturbating to vanilla thoughts over and over and failed. I went out and bought a book called "Who's been sleeping in your head" which explored why people have the fetishes they have. It is written by a psychologist and is an encycopedia of sexual fantasies, some just like mine, and explores why people have them and where they stemmed from. So, I ended up learning a lot about WHY I had these dark fantasies but nothing about how to "fix" myself. It would be quite a few years before I would start actually healing the trauma, resulting in a healthy sex life.
So, as I was masturbating earlier thinking of vanilla stuff and being fascinated it was turning me on I started thinking about the road to where I am now and all the steps that lead to my healing. —It took awhile to get off because of me planning my steemit blog about it.— I realized that the biggest step actually happened about a year ago, long before I moved from FL and ended up with my current partner. It started when I got attacked by my ex-con sociopath boyfriend, got severe PTSD, and decided NO MORE scary, mean guys. The only guys that would play out my sick fantasies. The only ones that would say things like "You are a worthless whore good for nothing but fucking and I am going to fuck you to death." —Yeah, it was real sick stuff, guys and I am not proud of it.— and still maintain a hard-on were god damn sociopaths, obviously. And I had ended up with one that wound up to be very dangerous.
So, I started only seeking out gentle, sweet, guys that treated me with respect.
I realized after the abuse that lead up to a violent attack from the huge, muscular, body building ex-con that I was literally going to wind up dead if I didn't break this very unhealthy dating pattern. I briefly dated a few guys before realizing I wanted to be with my best friend, of about 14 years, and current partner. Both of them were good guys and neither of them would want to do the deranged shit I desired sexually and I didn't ask them to because I didn't want it either, not really, but my body still responded, favorably, to the thoughts. And I was still stuck getting off to dark thoughts of myself being hurt and unable to orgasm from the gentle sex with my partners. This, combined with a medical issue that was making sex painful for me, lead to me not really wanting sex at all. I couldn't have the sex that my body responded to and I also couldn't figure out how to get my body to respond to the gentle sex.
This is where Greg comes in.
Last night Greg and I, for the first time since I moved here had successful sex. And it was gentle and sweet and not at all deranged. But, I really, really love this guy and for the first time in my life I found myself, today, thinking about the night before and getting turned on. Just thinking about him asking me to look at him so he could see my pretty face and then us looking into each other's eyes. Just him touching me. Him licking my nipples. All normal sex stuff. And I was hot and bothered.
I knew this was my chance to start re-wiring my brain. So, I grabbed my hitachi and got into bed and decided to think about ONLY loving stuff while I masturbated. It took a bit longer than average, partially because it was so new and I wasn't resorted to gross fantasies and partially because I was thinking of writing this blog but I did, get off thinking about him making love to me. My brain at one point tried to go back to dark stuff, where he was taking advantage of me but I turned off the hitachi and made my brain go back to imagining locked eye-contact, smiling, loving sex with my partner and then turned the vibrator back on. Eventually I got off and it was a really great orgasm actually. Very intense. When my brain went to really dark, degrading super violent stuff during this masturbation I actually found myself feeling really grossed out and turned OFF. The thought I averted intentionally wasn't super violent, just a bit aggressive and that is not what I wanted to get off to so I didn't let my brain go there.
So, step one was breaking the cycle of seeking out sociopaths to act out sexual fetishes that stemmed from self-hatred and past abuse. Step two was apparently to find someone I really, really love and am really attracted to (ugh, your face is so perfect Greg) and step 3 was to start consciously re-wiring my brain to want just that. A guy I love and am attracted to having gentle sex with me. So, I went from seeking out abusers, to thinking I am asexual, to finding out I can have a healthy orgasm without degrading myself. I have a huge smile on my face right now and I know this is the beginning of my real healing journey.
All photos of, and taken by, myself.
National sexual assault resources and hotline:
https://www.rainn.org/
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https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=483316795014197&fref=ts
I love this so much. I had very traumatic experiences when I was younger and for awhile, I had panic attacks at the thought of sex. Thank you so much for writing this.
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You are welcome. It has taken a long time to get to where I am and start having healthy sex. When I was younger I would cry during sex even when it was with someone I love, then even after that stopped the fucked up fantasies were there. So, so glad I am finally working through it. :D
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This is a great post, Laura. Thank you for sharing it with us all and choosing to be open, vulnerable, and authentic. So many people are oblivious to our mental programming and how much it influences out chemistry and neural response. Reprogramming and neuroplasticity are the keys to a future we want. Comgratulations on a great breakthrough to a more beneficial future.
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:D Thank you. I was never blind to it but I had so much trouble trying to rewire it because of how deep-seated it was. But I am like filled with thoughts of loving gentle sex now and have a huge smile on my face and I seriously think this was such a major break-through. Finally. :') I am also hoping it can help some people in the support groups I shared it in.
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Thanks for opening up. Had a step dad that spread his evil into my family. I was young, never really that traumatized, and I've made my peace with it, but I can still see the results in my mom and sisters behavior. Wish they would get the therapy thats helped me so much.
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Yeah, my abuse went on from like the age of 5 to 15 and definitely fucked me up really badly. But I really feel like it's going to be let go entirely soon. This is such a huge step in my recovery and one I was starting to fear would never happen. I am literally like on the verge of happy crying and have been since it happened. :')
I hope your mom and sisters get the help they need one day. I have never been able to get therapy myself which I definitely needed and still need. I now live in a state with medicaid expanded so I will hopefully within the next handful of months start taking care of that. :)
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Well the age of 5 to 15 and then rapes after that. >_< But the main abuse from family members went on from 5 to 15 and then sprinkle in a repeat rape and date rape. I am glad I broke the reckless, self-destructive cycle and can start really healing and only surrounding myself with good people.
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I read this and lost my breath for a moment, because I have led a very similar life of abuse, and because of the childhood abuse followed by adult rapes, I have had many ex partners accuse me of being a liar, along with family members, and friends (or so-called friends, rather). It got to the point that I actually questioned myself and doubted my experiences, and almost began to believe that I had exaggerated them in my head (but they were such crystal-clear memories!) or that maybe I was taking certain instances out of context somehow, even though I was there, I carry these awful memories with me still, and I know that I would never, and have never exaggerated or made up any of my experiences. Still, enough people doubting you (to your face) and interrogating you as though YOU are the criminal, and making off-hand comments can make anyone begin to wonder if maybe they're just insane. I just decided to stop mentioning it-AT ALL....I actually only just publicly made even a mention of having this history in any type of public forum, after replying to a comment left on my recent post about Colleen Stan (The Girl in The Box). @steemerpat actually suggested that I follow you, after admitting that I'd experienced some awful things and then mentioning that it was not something I'd ever felt comfortable talking about with anyone, or admitting in any type of public space. This was the first of your posts that I happened to read, and I am SO glad that she suggested that I follow you. Your ability to discuss your abuse, as well as to discuss sex so openly, in general amazes me (who can barely even use certain words, even to this day). We seem to have quite a bit in common from what I've read, and I just felt that I HAD to say something....to thank you for your honesty, your ability to be so open, and to let you know that someone in the world relates to you on SO many levels, and is appreciative of what you're writing about....of your being able to speak so freely about something that I struggle with so much.
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Wow, thanks so much for the response. Honestly it inspires me to keep going. I received a ton of accusations of being a liar here for poasting so publicly and got harassed for quite awhile due to the nature of my posts. I even literally had my PTSD triggered by some violent threats so it definitely isn't easy for me to post like I do but I also shared my blogs in a support group I am in on facebook and had many women writing me about how much my blog helped them to open up about their abuse so that inspired me to keep posting openly. In the process I definitely hardened up a bit also.
I know what you mean about the constant doubt and accusations getting to your psyche though. They have done that to me also. I plan to write a book called "The victim card" that is about how people treat a victim when they simply become empowered enough to open up about abuse. Normal, everyday people become suddenly antagonizing and interrogating. I find it....for lack of a better word, fascinating. I think maybe a person having their world-view shaken to the point of accepting terrible abuse taking place constantly, and for some people, repeatedly may just be too much to swallow and so for some it may be easier to lash out, demand a person is lying, and deny the events ever happened, even with no proof.
I actually lost a very close friend once I started blogging like this. He had written my boyfriend who was saying some nasty things about me to his ex and then had me read the emails, all about how I am "playing the victim" and this friend read them and behind my back wrote my ex to praise him for "calling me out". This friend is a rich, white, incredibly privileged male who has admittedly never been abused and says he has loving parents that never wronged him. So, why does he feel it is his place to comment on a woman's life who has no blood relatives left after cutting out the abuse and spent her life from the age of 5 on being repeatedly molested and raped? Where does he get off thinking he has any idea of what this does to a person's psyche or how they should cope? I had to dig to find out which friend it was because my ex wouldnt tell me who said it and honestly I figured it out just by thinking of my privileged male friends, and I ended up right.
Wowee, hadn't planned such a rant but it happens when you start opening up about such deep, dark shit. Feel free to follow me and if you want you can even reach out on fb, I am in support groups and such there. But thank you for inspiring me to keep it raw and honest and reminding me of why I did in the first place.
<3 We got this.
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Ohmygosh! WOW! I think that is an AWESOME idea for a book....I think the whole "playing the victim" thing is thrown into victims' faces unnecessarily all the time!! Especially when you are dealing with males (unfortunately)....I know the fear of people thinking that's what you are doing is enough to keep you from wanting to talk about it....I can relate to all of what you are saying, on many levels. I'm hoping to start opening up about my own experiences, and just these comments have been a start for me. I've had ex husbands accuse me of "asking for it", "wanting it", and "deserving it" and all kinds of other horrible things....It's difficult enough to deal with, then you have people who are supposed to support you calling you names and making you feel even worse. I would love to reach out on Facebook! I'll be sending you a request!! Thanks so much, again. Really....Thank you.
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I definitely didn't experience anything extreme, my mom and sisters though... I don't know how i'd deal with that. I've seen 9 different therapists and only had 2 decent one's. I was refer d to the second by the first. It's hard to find a good one, but if you can it will do wonders. I never sought one out really, except that I checked myself into rehab not even intending to address those problems. It's done me wonders. Hope you can find a good one soon.
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Yeah I tried to find a grief therapist after my best friend died and that experience made me feel "meh" for awhile about therapy. I tried to find the one non Christian one, she was an artsy hippie type but she ended up still believe in an afterlife and just told me to read some book about the afterlife....didn't actually help with my *feelings about death and didn't bother to ask if I believe in an afterlife/take into account how non-helpful that is to an atheist. >:[
But I imagine finding one good who'd deal with my sexual abuse and understand would be hard. Worth a shot though.
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Oh i know the feeling of having a shitty therapist. Went through those most my life. My best one didn't even bring up religion. I don't think we talked about it once.
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I really respect your openness about your past traumas, how those experiences effect your present sex life and the effort you're making to work through your issues. And, I'm grateful that you're sharing all of this here on Steemit... Potentially inspiring others of us to think about/discuss/work on our own sexual issues. 👍🏽
I agree that healing or working through past traumas helps us have a healthy...anything, including a healthy sex life.
I'm hesitant to say this next part, but your post really stirred up some questions that I can't get off of my mind. I am rather conflict adverse, so please understand that I'm not trying to question your process or argue with you at all. I respect your presence on Steemit like I said, it's just that your post got me pondering my own sexual tastes.
Here's the thing - I have never been abused, raped, or sexually traumatized in anyway. Such abuse seems sadly so common today that, frankly, I feel like an anomaly, but it's true. However I have lots of "dark" fantasies. I mean...really hard core, degrading, forcible, ferocious stuff....
If you are certain that your fantasies were due to your early childhood abuse and that experience completely programmed and set the tone for your sex life, then absent those experiences in my case, what is my excuse? 😳
And, what's really weird is that I don't think I need an excuse. I'm honestly comfortable with my kinks and fetishes being what they are. I don't resist them or attribute any one thing as being the cause of me being this way. Early childhood experiences may have turned me on to certain attractions, but I also feel that there's a large part of me that was just born this way.
May I ask your thoughts on my situation?
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Thank you. I am hoping to shine light on some pretty dark stuff and hope it helps a few people. :)
Also, very valid question, I don't think hardcore fantasies are necessarily a bad thing. I just know that for me personally it made me think of real abuse and trauma and it was an obstacle in me being able to overcome that stuff. I think for people who were not ever abused it can be perfectly healthy to play out dark fantasies. It's all about what the individual in comfortable and happy with. If you have these fantasies and they are not hurting you psychologically or making you sad and you are simply enjoying them and getting off sexually then I see no reason to try to get rid of them. :) A lot of people have dark sexual fantasies, even those who were not abused but mine were involving things from my abuse and honestly making me more sad than anything.
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