Sex and Children

Three steps for talking about sex

Three basic steps can help you talk with your child about sex.

First, find out what your child already knows – for example, ‘Where do you think babies come from?’

Second, correct any misinformation and give the facts – for example, ‘No babies don’t grow in their mummy’s tummy. They grow in a special place inside their mummy called a uterus’.

Third, use the conversation as an opportunity to convey your family values – for example, ‘It’s wonderful to be pregnant when you’re ready to take care of a baby’.

Tips for talking about sex

These tips can make it easier to talk with your child about sex.

Keep language simple and honest
Explain things at a level that your child can understand. A six-year old won’t want a long explanation of ovulation, although he might be fascinated to know that women have very small eggs (or ova) that can make a baby.

It’s OK to say ‘I don’t know’
Your child doesn’t need you to be an expert – she just needs to know that she can ask you anything she needs to.

If you don’t know what to say, tell your child you’re glad he asked, that you don’t know how to answer, and that you’ll look for some information and get back to him. And then make sure you do get back to him. Or you could suggest looking for information together.

Get all parents involved
In families with two or more parents, it’s good for all parents to get involved in discussions about sex. When all parents get involved in discussions about sex, they show children that it’s OK to talk about sex and sexuality. This can help all children to feel more comfortable talking about their bodies, to take responsibility for sexual feelings, and to communicate in intimate relationships when they’re older.

Start a conversation
Some children never ask questions. You might need to start the conversation. It’s a good idea to think about what to say beforehand, then pick a good time to bring the subject up. For example, if someone is talking about pregnancy on TV you could say, ‘They were talking about pregnancy on the TV earlier. It got me wondering if you know what that is?’

Prepare yourself
You might feel embarrassed talking about sexuality, or you might feel uncomfortable using words like ‘penis’ or ‘vagina’ to talk about bodies. That’s normal. It’s a good idea to prepare yourself by thinking about what you’re comfortable with and building on that. For example, if you’re OK with talking about bottoms but not breasts, try using the word ‘bottom’ in conversation to start with.

Talking about sex, sexuality and bodies: tips for different ages

You’ll need to tailor what you say to your child to suit her age and level of understanding.

0-2 years
Using the correct words for body parts helps your child learn about his body, so use these words from the start – vulva, vagina, breasts, nipples, penis, scrotum, testes. You can use everyday moments to do this – for example, bath time or while you’re helping your child get dressed are good times to introduce the names of body parts.

2-3 years
Most children aged 2-3 years are very curious about their own and other children’s’ bodies. They’ll also notice that boys’ and girls’ bodies are different. Your child might ask you why or say, ‘What’s that?’ You can teach your child that every body part has a name and its own ‘job’ to do. For example, boys have a penis, and girls have a vulva.

You might find that looking at a book with your child is helpful. You can use the pictures to help your child learn the names for body parts and understand the differences between boys and girls.

4-5 years
Children aged 4-5 years often ask where babies come from. They can understand that a baby grows in a mother’s uterus, and that to make a baby you need a sperm (like a tiny seed) from a man and an ovum (like a tiny egg) from a woman.

If your child asks ‘Where do I come from?’ you could ask, ‘What do you think?’ This helps you work out what she’s really asking and how much she understands. You could give a simple explanation like ‘Babies grow in a place inside their mother called the uterus’.

If you’re pregnant your child might ask, ‘Where does the baby come out?’ Give a simple but accurate answer like ‘Your little brother is growing in my uterus. When he’s finished growing, he’ll squeeze through the birth canal, which is called the vagina’.

6-8 years
By six years old, many children are interested in how babies are made and might ask questions.

If your child asks, ‘How did the baby get into your uterus?’ ask him what he thinks. This will help you understand what your child already knows. You can explain simply, giving as much information as you’re comfortable with. For example you could say, ‘To make a baby, a sperm from a man and an egg from a woman join together.’

You could also explain that this happens when a man and a woman have sexual intercourse, which is when the man puts his penis inside the woman’s vagina.

You don’t have to wait for your child to ask you a question. You could start a conversation by asking, ‘Have you ever wondered how you were born and where you came from?’ Or you might see a pregnant woman and say to your child, ‘That woman has a baby growing inside her. Do you know how the baby got there?’

You could also read a book together about where babies come from.

Talking about puberty
It’s a good idea to start talking to your child about puberty and how bodies change in puberty well before she starts puberty.

You could explain to your child that puberty is when a person’s body starts changing from a child’s body to an adult one. For example, ‘You’ll start to grow hair around your genitals and under your arms, your penis will get larger and your voice will get deeper’.

You could ask your child if he’s noticed any older children – for example, older siblings – developing breasts, getting deeper voices or having ‘growth spurts’.

You could also read a book together to help your child understand physical and emotional changes during puberty.