A little experimentation never hurt anyone’s sex life.To help couples in long-term relationships stretch their imaginations, we asked sexperts from around the country to share one piece of unconventional advice. See what they had to say below.
“How taboo to bring your secret pleasure out into light, right? Touch yourself the way you normally would to bring an orgasm, just in front of your honey while they are doing the same. Allow watching them get turned on turn you on ― it can feel like live porn.” ― Keeley Rankin, a sex therapist in San Francisco
“For a couple that is used to engaging in more vanilla or conventional sex, thinking about what would make them really turned on with their partner can turn things up. Try to create a story or movie scene out of it. Think about this scenario from start to finish with all of the details. Have your partner do the same. Take turns sharing the explicit details about how turned on you are, what exactly would happen, what you would both do to each other, and what you’d be wearing, as if you’re telling a story from a dirty book or watching a movie scene. Sometimes, just being really explicit with your desires and vocalizing them can be enough of a shift to wake up a tired relationship.” ― Kristin Zeising, a sex therapist in San Diego
“‘Take big relaxing breaths’ isn’t the raciest sex tip, but it is incredibly effective. A few relaxing breaths can help you refocus your attention back on the sensation when you find yourself mentally distracted or anxious. Breath can also increase arousing sensations and give you stronger orgasms. When in doubt, take a few deep breaths and pay attention to how your body feels. Breath is the most underestimated sex tool around!” ― Chris Maxwell Rose, a sex educator and the creator of the Pleasure Mechanics online courses
“Get past intercourse-focused sex and get passionate about oral sex. Instead of the same licks and tricks, try different techniques to stimulate your partner orally including long strokes with the tongue, sucking lightly and gently on all parts of the genitals and exploring your partner’s body with your mouth. Take your time and don’t focus on an orgasm. Instead focus on pleasurable sensations for your partner. ” ― Shannon Chavez, a psychologist and sex therapist in Los Angeles
“We know from the research of Rosemary Basson that often, especially for women, desire is responsive, not spontaneous. This means that willingness and being open and receptive to a sexual experience is key. When you are receptive to sexual stimulation ― having your hair stroked, body caressed, kissing ― more often than not, the body responds, and it’s through arousal that desire kicks in.” ― Megan Fleming, a New York City-based sex therapist and the author of Invisible Divorce: Finding Your Way Back to Connection
“Oftentimes, we transition to romantic love with our long-term partners and stop thinking of them sexually. In doing so, we stop objectifying them. Objectification isn’t always a bad thing in a healthy relationship. It can be extremely exciting and arousing. I encourage couples to bring that raunchy, dirty, kinky side of them back into the relationship, and to integrate their inner sex god or goddess into their relationship persona.” ― Moushumi Ghose, sex therapist and author of Classic Sex Positions Reinvented
“One of the things that makes sex with a special someone leaving you wanting more is their signature move. If you think about the best lovers you’ve had, they’ve all probably had one. Pick what you love to do that drives your partner wild and do that often, with slight variation or in new environments. One of the hottest things in having sex with the same person is that you learn an unspoken language that only the two of you share, full of hot secrets.” ― Anne Ridley, a sexologist and owner of Modern Aphrodite, an online pleasure boutique
“The monotony of the bedroom or the couch can kill a sex life. Try changing the location, and I’m not talking from the bed to the floor. The next time you go to your friend’s house for a dinner party, sneak away to their bathroom. The next time you’re parked in a dark semi-private lot, squeeze in a quickie. It doesn’t even need to be full intercourse. Go oral or use your fingers for an old-school makeout vibe. The key here is to create an exciting and risky experience that will ignite some fresh energy between you both. Hopefully, it will then transfer back to the bedroom.” ― Lisa Paz, a sex therapist and marriage and family therapist in Miami
“Stop judging every thought you have and worrying about whether you are doing sex ‘right.’ There is no right or wrong way to be a lover. Simply be present and aware of your body sensations and be open to exploring the range of erotic pleasures.” ― Janet Brito, a psychologist and sex therapist at the Center for Sexual and Reproductive Health in Honolulu
“Spend time enjoying light arousal even when sex isn’t on the menu. Too many couples only bother to get excited together when they’re about to have sex ― as if feeling aroused is some kind of unpleasant state that has to be relieved as quickly as possible by having an orgasm. The happiest couples enjoy feeling aroused together even when there’s no time or opportunity to have sex ― just because it feels good. It doesn’t have to be full-on arousal ― maybe you’re just playing footsie under the table at a restaurant. Sometimes it can be nice to just feel a bit turned on ― then to let it pass, without having to drive it to a conclusion.” ― Stephen Snyder, a sex therapist in New York City and the author of Love Worth Making:How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Term Relationship