Negative bodily perceptions can generate feminine complexes that weigh down into intimate life. What are the main sources of bed complexes in women? How do they affect sexuality and how to overcome them? Decryption with Chantal Higy-Lang, sexologist-psychotherapist and author of Carnets intimes d'une sexologue (LC editions).
Some complexes are so invasive that they even hinder sexuality . A study of the E-health Zava site conducted in 2018 with more than 1,000 Europeans and Americans on "sexual complexes" has revealed some of these blockages that hover like a shadow in the intimate sphere. Body image seems to concern women the most (79% of them against 60% of men) while men are more anxious about their sexual performance (67% of them against 51% of women).
The survey also reveals that certain sexual positions are more intimidating than others such as 69 or Andromache (the woman seated on the man).
Behind the statistics, the study invites us to look into an alcove secret that only filters in the offices of sexologists: the impact of complexes on female sexuality. What are the main sources of blockages in bed for women and how to overcome them?
Weight, complex number 1 in women
The problem: "I do not feel to my advantage in my figure". "I think I'm too fat"
The impact in sexuality: the lighting of the sexologist
"Weight is a source of complexes that comes up often and arises at different stages of a woman's life, particularly with maternity, pre-menopause and menopause.
After a pregnancy, a woman feels less comfortable in her body and sometimes she can no longer support certain parts of the body transformed by pregnancy and childbirth like the belly or breasts.
After pre-menopause or menopause, the breasts are less juvenile and the belly loses tone. These changes in body shape lead some women to modify their sexual practice, such as making love in the dark, to "camouflage" the parts of the body that make them complex. This poor body perception can lead to no longer being naked or refusing to be touched. It is not uncommon for me to hear in my office "I would not like it to touch my beads" or even "when it touches my belly I have the impression that it touches my beads, it's awful and I no longer want to make love ". The
The advice of the sexologist
"I work with mirrors, the person stands in front of me and tells me what they don't like.
Often women I see in my office tell me that their body no longer exists and that it is only a tool. When we consider that our body no longer belongs to us, we can hardly "give ourselves" to others in sexuality. To overcome this weight blockage, I tell them to keep in mind that it is normal for the physique to change after having a child. I offer them concrete solutions such as monitoring their diet, exercising and above all thinking about themselves. Taking care of yourself by carrying out activities that relate to the body is fundamental: for example getting a massage, hair removal, a treatment in an institute ... The objective is to reclaim your body ".
The "beauty of sex" complex
The problem: "I don't like my gender"; "I have a less toned perineum"
The impact in sexuality: the lighting of the sexologist
"I work a lot with private surgeons and this issue of the beauty of sex and the genitals comes up often, as I explain in my book The diaries of a sex therapist . Young girls can complex for example d having labia minora of uneven size. The dilation of the perineum and the muscles around it, the interior of the vulva especially after rapid delivery, can also be a source of complexes, as can sagging of the wall of the vagina. still can complain about a Venus mount (pubis) too bulging or conversely too "buried". Unfortunately this problem relating to the "beauty of sex" remains a very taboo subject and the women concerned tend to think that he doesthere is no solution, wrongly. "
The advice of the sexologist
"Once women have realized the importance of taking care of this area, they have different options. This could be for example having their hair removed, in particular to remove gray hairs which are difficult to accept when they occur in women after age 50. It also happens that this impedes the desire of the other when the woman changes her partner.
It can also go through wearing pretty underwear to decorate this area, etc.
Another solution, less known to women who complex around their gender: surgical procedures. It is possible to reconstruct the vulvar interior, the muscles around the perineum when the perineal reeducation sessions (recommended after pregnancy in particular) were not enough to regain the tone of yesteryear .
Mature women whose sex aspect has sometimes lost its "freshness", can also use a "lifting" of the Mont de Venus whether it is to inject fat or remove it in order to to rediscover her genital area as it was before. "
The orgasm complex
The problem: "I have the impression of not reaching orgasm"; "my partner must know that i have an orgasm"
The impact in sexuality: the lighting of the sexologist
"Many women see orgasm as a goal not for themselves but for their partner. They say for example:" I have to have an orgasm to show my partner that I am satisfied with him ". However, this injunction and this pressure that they impose on themselves in the face of orgasm, as if it were a performance, are counterproductive. In sexuality, pressure is contradictory to desire, in men as in women. This risks reducing the desire in women, obsessed with this objective, or even generating anorgasmia, the absence of orgasm. "
The advice of the sexologist
"It is necessary to go back to basics and turn to yourself to understand that the woman should not seek orgasm to satisfy the other but for her. During sex therapy, I bring the person to wonder about herself with issues such as the relationship with her body, her pleasure, her femininity. Among the questions I make them think about: "What makes you woman", "What do you enjoy "," do you have sensuality, eroticism ". We are not in" sex "proper but in something broader that allows us to focus because a woman who thinks it’sis the partner to bring everything without knowing herself and knowing how it works can not be satisfied in bed.
I receive a lot of women who have children. I am trying to understand how these women live and whether they have any time for them. It turns out that it is often complicated between the various constraints of daily life related to work, family, couple, social life ... These women do a lot and must be good in all areas: both good mom, good mistress of the house and good lover, they must also be efficient at work, etc. This whirlwind leaves little time for intimacy, the couple's sexuality suffers.
So I invite you to go back to basics, take time for yourself, take a walk, see friends. Because it is all these elements that revolve around sexuality that influence it. I also see the couple to discuss how the two partners work together on a daily basis. This is an opportunity to put everything back on track, an important step to find time for two and reconnect.
The complex of sexual positions
The problem: "I avoid certain positions" or "I feel uncomfortable in certain positions because I do not feel to my advantage"
The impact in sexuality: the lighting of the sexologist
"Certain positions are difficult to assume when women are complexed by certain parts of their body. For example, a woman who does not like her breasts or her belly will not be comfortable in the position of the andromache (au- above the man). For her, leaning on the man is not erotic and she believes that this position will hamper the desire of the other. It can go as far as wanting to make love in the dark or avoid certain positions. Problem, these avoidance strategies end up giving a very normative sexuality in reverse of sexual fulfillment . "
The advice of the sexologist
"To free myself from this negative perception, I invite my patients to work on them and to free themselves from this cult of the ideal body, this image distorted by the media. I often tell complex women to observe the bodies of people to the beach and to realize that you are far from the extraordinary body, from these imposed beauty dictates. To reconcile with your image and your body , you have to think about yourself: why not go to the beautician, dress in a flirtatious manner, etc. The couple also has their role to play through communication. Women often have the wrong idea of what men want. A man wants his partner to want him, that it goes well, he does not necessarily want to have a mannequin in bed. To stop focusing on your complexes, find triviality in your relationship as a couple, reconnect with your partner, have moments for yourself and have fun together is essential. "
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