"I don't always dare to tell my partner about my sexual desires and fantasies, because I wonder what he will think. How can I ask him what would really make me happy?" asks Valérie, 39.
It is true that the fantasy, this shade , does not always respond to the values of culture or morals that are ours. This is what can make it so disturbing, or sometimes so bothersome. " To formulate your request to your spouse, the ideal is to start from what you feel, and in a positive way. For example, you can say to him:" When you caress me in such a way, it makes me a lot of indeed, it's very exciting. So, I would like you to do it more often, or in some other way ... "
If you express what you feel, your partner will be able to understand your expectations better than if you directly formulate your request by saying to him: "I would like you to do this or that" explains Dr Catherine Solano, sexologist and andrologist.
Talking about your fantasies is a great idea
It is indeed better to dare to ask for what you want from your partner rather than to stay with unformulated requests all your life, at the risk of becoming, over time, a frustrated woman. Don't we say: "Ask and you will receive"?
Besides, in terms of sexuality, we all tend to have a completely false belief. We think that when we love each other, we don't need words to understand each other. However, we are so different from each other that if we don't talk to each other, we can't understand each other.
A fantasy is not necessarily shared
Ask, yes, but ... If you ask something of your companion, it implies that you must accept that he gives you a positive or negative answer. If you are not ready to hear it, it is no longer a request, but an order! And giving orders, even in this area, is a toxic practice for the couple. To continue to love and desire you, your partner must always feel free.
From the moment a person feels that he is no longer free, the love he feels for the other, like desire, tends to die out. Remember that, to sustain itself, desire needs freedom. Your companion has the perfect right not to accede to your desires. Besides, he doesn't necessarily feel the same desires as you, because he is different.
The converse is true, of course, you don't have to have all of these desires either. You too must know how to say no.
Learn to listen to it too
Asking is one thing, listening to the answer is another, just as important. If he says yes, is it from the bottom of my heart? Have you uncovered desires that were also his, in which case you delight him? Or, on the contrary, does he accept only to please you, without any enthusiasm? If he refuses, try to find out why. Is it final or is there some reluctance that could be lifted? Is he really saying no to what you are asking or is he just afraid that you will take control in your relationship? If he says no, it is essential that he feels heard.
It is by listening to him that you are likely to be heard. And know how to appreciate that even a request followed by a no can bring you closer, when it is an opportunity to talk together about your desires , your fears or your respective limits.
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