6 month no drugs and alcohol. And I'm sober because I'm lazy. Too lazy to start this whole process over again. (at least at this point)
It's crazy how it doesn't seem like you're getting anywhere until you get validation from an outside source.
Maybe this is just the nature of a true pessimist. I'm optimistic that if I stay clean and sober for long enough, the "stuff" will come back. But right now I'm still like a war torn country inhabitant in a fox hole. My using and reckless living affected myself and others to the point where I finally got that "gift of desperation" and I just wanted my suffering to end.
It is better even on a crappy day than my best mind altered "high" during my drug and alcohol abuse. I was going from one fleeting escape to the next. Never fully in the moment. Today I can just sit. And be content with where I'm at.
-It feels good to actually go to my nephews first basketball game. (He's 9 and has probably played dozens, but I actually ATTENDED MY FIRST)
-It feels equally good to have my mother tear up on the phone when we make plans to be together for my one year milestone. But I don't want to project too much. I was just as recently as 2 days ago telling people of how maybe I should just go ahead and relapse now, before I get too much clean time and it would be embarrassing to go back to my fellowship and start ALL OVER AGAIN. I'm too lazy to repeat what has gotten me to this point.
-But as soon as I voice this thought to someone (even jokingly)- I have told on myself and it sounds stupid.
plus, for an addict/alcoholic/ human garbage disposal such as me, the first mind altering substance (above caffeine) - would immediately lead to justification of many many more things... And I know where all that leads...
It's a short menu for me
-jails
-institutions
-death
-and I have technically experienced all THREE, so no need to go back.
I'm going to be grateful and look forward to more "normal" things like seeing my family happy and not being as shitty of a person.
recovery is surely a process, not an event.
But I'm grateful I'm actively involved in a process of getting better. Not worse. And the steps I have taken to this point, paired with my laziness for doing it all over again, is what keeps me clean and sober.