A reflection on 2018 ...

Well 2018 has been a rollercoaster for me; I have been through every emotion possible. Overall it has been a good year in general for my development but in appearance a shit year. For new year I was ill and spent it on the sofa watching crap and reflecting on the year just past. I have gone deep into my thoughts and psyche. The big thing for me this year has been finding an amazing women who lifted me to a place I have not been! Unfortunately this broke down mainly because she was not ready for a relationship so soon after the break up of her previous one. This hit me hard as I fell for her in a big way and still think we have a future together as she resonates so much with my inner-self and where I want to go. My hopes are this relationship will be rekindled. You don't need the personal details of this but my reflections from this are the focus of this post.

I feel over the past year I have come to terms with the still birth of my girl; well nearly three years ago and the consequent break down of my relationship. At the beginning of the year I was in the state of mind I was hitting 38 and still had no family and lacked anything I wanted in my life. I was down and entering into a low state, now I was not depressed, as to me this is a state of mind you allow yourself to enter; when you do it is so hard to pull back from. I'm not invalidate this condition but thankfully I had the strength not to be pulled down into it, but I was close. Meeting this lass was amazing and pulled me sky high but this was a false feeling as the relationship has not prospered for the reasons above, but also my perspective and thought process. The problem being I have be too focused on trying to build a perfect life for myself and have been focusing on the end goal too soon. To do this after my break up in 2017 I moved into a nice rural cottage, where I have been living in order to start my desired sustainable life. But I failed to see the main thing I was trying to achieve; community around me. Now I think the main problem in todays society is lack of community caused by a number of factors really but mainly from the effects of media and social networking.

Leaving social media has been the greatest thing I have done and its been years since I did. The thing is you have to put in a huge effort to keep your connections alive if not on it; as this is how society works these days; this will change or develop in time. By living in my ideal setting I have managed to rebuild my focus and inner harmony but have lost my connections with community and like minded humans. Yes I have friends but not locally. When I started my job in this area I thought I would make friends in the village and local town but this was not realistic. I have joined groups but the people from these don't live in my vicinity. There was a oversight into the situation and this has left me in a state of loneliness which has effected my seeking of relationships and pressure on my current ones. This I now realise has continued since my return from Australia in 2011. I briefly moved into my mum's after another major breakup and then went back to university so did not build a local friend network at this time. At the same time I left social media and lost a lot of connections to my past. Now this was meant to be I feel as I still have contact with my real friends but these guys are again not local. Previously in my life I have always had a large social network mainly from work; but working in a higher position this becomes more difficult to achieve and I have now realised the reality of this.

What relevance does my issues have to you?

You may think I'm just wittering on about my problems but I think this is massively relevant to everyone. We are all currently so engrossed in our own issues and the act of coping with the collapsing community around us and trying to build our own world It's a natural coping strategy of humans that when there are problems we withdraw to find our inner sanctum. I have become what I advise against; yes I have been following the ethos of becoming what I want to see in the world but have failed to bring anything along with me; resulting in detachment from the reality of most peoples world. This is what gives the ones in control the power whilst we are all disjointed and not communicating on a level is easy for them to manipulate and create division. What i'm saying is we all have to meet half way before anything can be done to make large changes, this requires sacrifices on both sides.

Now I have needed the time alone to heal from the negatives that happened but in doing this I have eroded away my social network or fail to rebuild on in my new environment. In the fantasy of wanting to live the idlic life I have failed to see that this life in not yet available. As individuals who are aware of the worlds problems and the need for the rebuilding of community its our responsibility to do this. And by just taking myself off to do it alone I have created kind of the opposite. This is where the relationship lesson comes in I have been telling her she needs to think of her happiness and not guilt for the past; she has been thinking too deeply about her effect on others allowing her own happiness to suffer but at the same time as me explaining this I have been neglecting my own needs. Now I guess it my ego has taken control saying I can achieve this idilic life I want on my own just like that, but in reality it needs a lot of work and I need support, love and communication to aid this move. Most of all I need a network, a community!

We are all guilty of not looking at the bigger picture and letting the ego take control of our actions ignoring the gut feelings we have. Too often we get an idea and our ego dives head long into it when our gut might provide apprehensions; now we take this as not being confident or giving up (as we are taught not to give up all through our lives). Now I'm not saying we shouldn't do these things but in my case for example moving into such a rural setting might have been right for a while, i've done it for to long. Now if I had made a friendship group and maybe drove the situation might be different. My situation has flipped my gut is saying bite the bullet and move into the town to build a social network but the ego is saying well thats giving up the life you want, the town is only a few miles your social network won't build anymore. Having spent so much time telling people how I don't like towns and like my quiet time my ego makes me feel people will judge me or reverting back to town life. Whereas I need to see it as a next stage, this year has been very beneficial in many ways but this part of the journey is over and I need to move to the next stage.

In conclusion then I guess I have learnt a massive lesson this year and that is to take steps. Dam its called gradin from an Occupational Therapist point of view! It's what I tell my patients everyday "don't aim too high or you wont achieve what you want, build up to it". I fell into the trap of getting a good job and wanting everything in one and moved into a very nice cottage and it's perfect for me in maybe a year or so when I have settled and have a network around me. I think all to often we get an idea in our heads then the ego wants it there and then! When in reality we have to work towards a goal; build it up in steps. This is where our gut gives us the feeling of apprehension; we need to listen to this as a guide not a weakness. Now I didn't see this last year as a failure I have leant so much about myself and really feel alive but yes also lonely.

2019 is the year for me to thrive. Now I have realised where my dissatisfaction is coming from I can build on this. I think the lesson I want to pass on here is that you can think you are in your perfect little bubble but unless the universe has it set for you it won't feel right. By following your instinct and gut, which sometimes goes against what you think you need will makes sense in the end. So in 2019 I will be following my gut and moving into the town even though my ego is telling me it will be no different. The universe also gives you messages to you through your surrounding environment; I have been getting these about moving only ignoring them. I'm being stubborn and defending my ego. Even @sashadaygame has been posting a lot about the ego recently, I have been commenting saying is resonating with me but looking to deep as to why. This is why things have turned for me; also why I am getting ill, injuring my knee, not bee able to practice and getting back pain. I have been forcing myself to wake more when I am as awake as I need to be for the next stage in my life and that is to build community!

So 2019 is all about the gut not the ego folks. I hope this resonates with you all.

Wishing you an amazing year that is full of development and realisation. But more importantly what it right for YOU!