I'm sorry.

I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for what we could have been. I’m sorry for what we were. I’m sorry for what we are. I’m sorry that I loved you too much and not enough all at the same time. I’m sorry for the moments we had. I’m sorry for the moments we’ll never get to have. I’m sorry that we met. And I’m sorry that I said that. It feels like it was pointless and we could’ve just stayed strangers. Then I wouldn’t know how you taste or what your smile looks like when you said I love you. I’m sorry that we won’t get any one mores. I’m sorry that I still think of you and that your name is always on the tip of my tongue. I’m sorry that I’ve spent so much time thinking of you and not being with you. I’m so sorry that I’m angry. I’m so angry that it makes me sorry. I wish I never wanted you then, and I wish even more that I didn’t want you now. I wish that we were strangers. I wish even more that we were still us. Now we’re just friends. But friends don’t hurt like this. Friends don’t want to know every detail of you. They don’t want to feel all the pain and all the joy. Makes sense that we aren’t really friends then. We’re just each others somebody I used to know. And I don’t want to be. I want to be the reason for your smile and the person you turn to. I wasn’t then and I never will be now. I wish I wasn’t different and I wish time had stopped when the sunlight pooled around us and we had hushed conversations about our future. It was never ours. We were never each others. And neither of us knew that. What would you do if you could? Would you change it all so we never met? Or would you change it so that you never left? I would change it so that I was different. So that I was never the person you knew and I would change who I am. Because I don’t know who I am and I’m sorry about that too. I’m sorry that I expected you to. I’m sorry that I thought you knew me. I’m sorry that there were all these things I wanted you to be. You were just a kid who met a girl and thought she was okay. I’m sorry that I wanted to be more. I’m sorry that I thought you knew. I’m sorry that you didn’t. There’s so much I’m sorry for. I’m sorry that I loved you. I’m sorry that I still do. There’s so much of me that wishes I didn’t. And so much of me that knows I don’t. I’m sorry that we aren’t strangers. If we were strangers maybe we’d meet and it would all be different and we’d be okay. Or maybe it would all be the same. I know I’m not the same. I know I’m not okay. Are you? Are you the same human who I love? Are you okay? I’m sorry that I don’t know that either. I’m just sorry for it all.