Weighing heavy... my thoughts on the death of Chester and Chris.

This has happened twice in the past couple of months. Singers who I idolized growing up, ending up leaving this Earth. The totally ironic thing? Both times when their suicides were announced, I was on the phone with my cousin Sandra.

To be honest, I wasn’t allowed to listen to Soundgarden when I was a teen. My mother said she could handle NKOTB (shock shock…) but Soundgarden? I wasn’t able to listen to, nor Temple of The Dog, until i left home. I did leave at 16, after all.

I did receive a Soundgarden single for “Black Hole Sun” from a case of beer, way back when. I didn’t drink beer, but my then partner did. I kept the CD, he drank the beer. Funny how that works. Well c’mon, I was only a kid.

When Hybrid Theory came out, my then boyfriend and I were on super shaky ground. Super. He was cheating on me… and I was like 300+ pounds, and living in my bedroom. Staying up all night, going to bed when the kids went to school. I didn’t get up until 7-8-9 at night. I went through that for months.. Back then is when Napster was cool and Kazaa…. and I found several of the songs on my own. My then partner would blast the CD when he would go get high. OR hang around with his friends.

I found comfort in songs “One Step Closer”.. and “In the End…” He didn’t know I listened to the band. I acted like I didn’t care. To be honest at the time, I don’t think he really paid that much attention to what I was downloading. I do believe I had the MP3’s in a folder on my computer.

When I left in February of 2001… I was listening to them, and Savage Garden – constantly actually… When I did visit with my kids, he was blasting Hybrid Theory, and I just ignored him. In my mind, those songs helped. I even had a blog called at one point “One step closer, and I am about to break…”

Good luck finding it. I deleted it ages ago. (for those who will go on the hunt… It was on a shared domain which doesn’t exist anymore.

When I moved to Kamloops, or even when I stayed in Kamloops, I had Linkin Park surrounding me. Friends would play it, and a light bulb went off. Like holy shit, other people are listening to them. Right on! I kept it quite that I listened to them, because honestly? Back then, people if you said you listened to what they did – they would say “Oh you’re copying my vibe…” Eff whatever. I wasn’t exactly a teenager then, was I?

Anywho… When I moved into a place in Kamloops (Redwood, for those not in the know…) I cranked Linkin Park when I wasn’t at work, and Darryn was asleep. She would have to be sound asleep, because she didn’t like Linkin Park. Of course she doesn’t remember this, but she couldn’t handle the music. I generally had to have headphones on…or she would fuss. IT was funny actually.

In early 2005 – I had “Somewhere I belong” on repeat. No joke. I had my first argument with a then partner, and that song was the only thing soothing me. As when I get into an argument with someone, I go radio silent. So I can decompress, and move along. (although others don’t do that, they decide to keep pressing and pushing, or they act hours later like nothing was wrong…) My then room mate would constantly listen to LP… and I ended up putting a pause on listening to it…Which I hated, but I was already hearing it in the car and in the house.

Over the years, between Darren Hayes, and Adam Lambert, Linkin Park has always been a staple in my iDevice. OR even when I had my Android. I would listen to them. Chester and the guys’ lyrics kept me sane . No joke. i mean I can recall “One Step Closer” being on repeat on some occasions.

When the news came up on July 20th, 2017 – that Chester had died… holy shit. I was on the phone with my cousin, and I went “Oh no fuck no!@”… and she asked and I said “Chester is dead..” and all she said was “Oh, who is he..”

bangs head on desk

Eh, not her generation. She’s like 6-7 years older I think than I am. She would have been well into her 20s when his music came out. She’s not really into his stuff. Which is fine right? Right.

I felt crushed.

I kept thinking to myself, shit – why do I feel this way? I mean, it’s not like I knew the guy in real life. Only through his music, the lyrics, the videos… Fuck, they were going on tour this year too, and I was going to try and go.

Then I thought to myself, well that’s why I ache right now. Even though I never met the man in person, I ache. I ache for him feeling so horrible, that he felt ending his life was the only way out. The only way to feel sane again. I ache for his 6 kids. I ache for a life he didn’t have, because the depression took it away.

I ache for everyone involved with him. The suicide took a ton out of everyone. The family especially, the fans…

This hits hard to me, because my cousin committed suicide in Kamloops.

Sorry, trying not to cry. Too much on the mind. Way too much.

I have been seeing how people call Chris and Chester “cowards”… Like what the fuck man. Have you ever been that depressed, that you want to END your life? I have. I have attempted suicide, but something stopped me. Something made the attempt fail. Something made me stay here even though almost everyone around me made it so fucking easy to just give up and go. Especially when you’re emotionally and physically abused. You feel so fucking alone. You feel like the world is against you. You feel like, even though only a handful of people are abusing you, that EVERYONE will do that to you. That everyone will make life miserable, so why not end it and get it over with. A person who calls someone a coward for wanting to end their life? is clearly the person who submitted to the bullying, and who added to the want and need to end their lives. Anyone who calls someone suicidal a coward, is nothing more than a bully. They need to look in a mirror, and realize what they are doing. WORDS DO HURT. Many many people do not realize this.

NOW before anyone thinks anything… no, I am not suicidal now. That happened a VERY long time ago. I am just explaining how a person who is suicidal can or possibly could feel. That’s how I FELT… but I haven’t in a long time.

Chester Bennington was the subject of sexual assault. He was molested when he was 7 years old. So the depression? chances are were from the abuse. It’s a hard fucking burden to carry if you’re not strong enough to carry it. Or that the depression turns it on you. Says it’s all your fault. Depression is a fucking horrible thing to deal with.

Depression is a fucking horrible beast. It eats away at any sembalance of a normal life. It feeds you bullshit. It tells you quite simply “You’re not good enough.” Even being family men, both of them? Depression made them go the other way. IT happens, sadly. I mean depression honestly took control, and both of them felt life wasn’t worth living anymore. It is a hard thing to do, to just plan to hang yourself. It is not an easy plan. Ever.

I understand how both of them felt. Even though I wasn’t them. I have struggled myself with depression and anxiety my entire fucking life. Ever since I was 2 years old and YES I recall that far back.. When you have been abused, the negative memories almost always outweigh the positive.

Regardless, this isn’t why I made this post.

I made this post, to explain why it’s okay to mourn a celebrity. Both of them were still fucking human. Both of them were just doing a job, that’s all. Both of them struggled with depression, and the depression won the struggle.

Their lyrics? Say EXACTLY what they were struggling with. Both of them. Both of them left a lyrical legacy.

You’re allowed to mourn your idols. You’re allowed to mourn a celebrity. You’ve lost them, you feel their loss. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

As I sit here with tears in my eyes. Thanking both of them for the lyrics.

Watching this video is bittersweet, at best. As this was released minutes before Chester’s suicide was reported.

RIP to both of you. Thank you again for the music., the lyrics.

Love a fan.

ETA: If you are struggling with depression – PLEASE reach out. I know it’s hard due to the stigma surrounding suicide, BELIEVE ME I KNOW. There is always someone here to help you. There is always someone who will be a shoulder to cry on. Even if you don’t feel like talking about it will help. It does. I know depression is a fickle beast. Please reach out. <3