Disassociated? If you feel lonely, you are not alone....

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Alone Time

There is and has always been (I speak for myself) a conflicting issue within myself. The necessity of "alone time" quickly worked it's way up my mental list of selfish priorities at a very early stage in my social life. Before I knew the significance & impact of socially alienating myself, I always felt as though being surrounded by other people, simply put, had more cons & pros. While we are taught from birth that following our peers if the safest & most sure path, I could never overcome the feeling that these other beings were sucking up energy that I would have much rather kept for myself to use in more productive ways than growing socially.

Insomnia

Some might label this as the early stages of a dis associative disorder. Others might say that feelings of inferiority or social anxiety are normal for a young millennial...which I was. I could never accept though, that the constant need to be alone was my fault....that this meant that something was wrong. As I grew more rebellious & observant of my environment, manipulation of day night cycles in direct correlation with my knowledge that most people (I generalize reluctantly) go to sleep at night & awaken during the day. In turn, I began sleeping during the day & having my most awake, productive, & insightful hours during the blackness of sundown.

Societies Labels & Finger Pointing

Once again, society, or the aforementioned SOME , would immediately label such behavior as insomnia. While having a more nocturnal existence may have some unwanted side effects, I merely always thought of it as not having to deal with the obstacles or mental blockages that come with daylight. The main obstacle being in plain sight at all times, almost feeling as though I was in the spot light, being expected by society to perform socially. Everything is quiet & unobtrusive at night. You are much less likely you greet someone when walking by them on a dark street, than passing someone by on a sunny main road. The confines of what is expected of me socially always gave me a sense of being controlled in one way or another. I did EVERYTHING within my power to remain in control. Unfortunately, at times this meant an unhealthy amount of self-isolation.

You're Doing It Wrong

Multiple concerned parental figures & maybe a therapist or two later, I began realizing that despite my best efforts to shield myself from these social expectations, the illusion of control over my own life had faded with maturing. Similar to how a freshly paved road matures into a hardened resilient surface after being run over, time & time again. The desire to achieve control over my social surroundings never went away. I just learned over time that I was doing it all wrong. In order to achieve true isolation (control over my own social expectations), I had to learn to how to mimic a very socially in tune personality. Even though my brain was always constantly telling me I had to be alone and away from people, it was also becoming very apparent that I was attracting attention by isolating myself....not deflecting it.

If You Can't Beat Them, Be Them

I began using the same tools that I had always in the past used to get away from people, to study others personality types, mannerisms, body language, & different levels of understanding. All of the isolation I had subjected to myself early on in my life, put me in a perfect position to look at things from a different perspective. I became somewhat immune to trends, as I always felt as though someone who instantly picks up on a new trend lacked control. To me, it always felt natural to do the exact opposite of what everyone around me was doing. To me, this was & still is my way of finally getting the isolation and control I had always wanted, but did not know how to truly achieve.

You Have Fun, I'll Be Over Here

When everyone else jumped, I sat. When everyone else sat down, I jumped around like a maniac. This was always a way to send a subtle message to everyone surrounding me that I was always in control of my social expectations. The crowd did not control me. I controlled me. When I eventually developed this social strategy further, It relieved a ton of the social anxiety (caused by what I saw as societies expectations) that I had been plagued with my entire childhood & adolescence. Isolation became a choice & not a necessity.

The Last Laugh

Do I still to this day prefer night over light? Yes, sometimes to the point where it is still socially unacceptable.
However, I refuse to let myself believe that it is due to some dis associative disorder that is a way of condemning someone for not wanting to meet societies expectations. I refuse to believe that anxiety, depression, or any other trendy diagnoses that I had been told was afflicting me, was the cause of my alienation. I realized that there are plenty of individuals exactly like me, that want to set their own expectations. Individuals that are being told they have issues because they don't see things the way everyone is suppose to. Take it from someone that has mastered the art of disassociation.... If you have the ability to do the opposite of what is expected of you socially, there is pain involved, but you are way ahead of the pack, and you are most definitely not alone.