Jonathan Pederson
Mr. Robert A. Davies
English 10 Honors
14 August 2017 (incorrect date)

Fear of Public Speaking

Have you ever had sleepless nights? Dry mouth? Sweaty palms? Shaky hands? Constant swaying? What about constantly forgetting what to say? If you said yes to any of these, you may have a fear of public speaking, or a severe case of psychological insanity. Don’t worry. Both of these are neither fatal nor incurable. As a doctor of psychological malpractice, I am here to present my cure for the fear of public speaking. Disclaimer: this is not an FDA approved cure and still needs further human testing before determining the possible side-effects. Please seek a doctor’s approval before trying this cure. Now don’t worry. I am a certified doctor of psychological malpractice, so you can ignore that disclaimer. After all, you wish this cure for the body, for the mind, and for the soul.
Before I talk to you about the fear of public speaking, let me tell you more about myself. I graduated the prestigious Randolph-Macon Academy, class of 2015. I pursued psychoanalysis in the Ivy League Shenandoah University, where I studied fears for fourteen years. After being rejected four times, I gained my doctoral degree. After twenty-five years of solving the common fears like acrophobia, aerophobia and bibliophobia, I present you with the cure to glossophobia!
Some of you may ask, what is glossophobia? Others will ask, why should I care? Few will ask, umm er umm uh. To those few who selected the last choice, this speech is for you! You may not know it, but you are being affected by glossophobia right now! Look to the person left of you. Is he shaking? If yes, then he may have glossophobia. Now look to the person to the right of you. Is she also shaking? If both people next to you are shaking, then it’s likely that neither is shaking; consequently, you are the one with glossophobia! Remember, this is not fatal; however, it may cause you to do horrible on your upcoming speech and lose. Now if you don’t want to lose, you ought to pay close attention to this speech and also take notes!
Where does glossophobia come from? Well, it can be traced back to ancient Greece. The Greeks would have to present themselves before their Caesar and entertain him. If they failed, they would suffer a painful death. The Greek word phobos meant dread because they dreaded these consequences. Glossa means tongue in Greek. Add those two together and poof, you have glossophobia. To those of you still paying attention don’t worry. You will not die if you perform terrible before your Caesar, Lord Davies. However, you will be tortured, tormented, and terrorized by your fellow peers who equally did as poorly.
Now I see my audience has shrunk to two people: Lord Davies and You. You may ask, what about the cure? Because you are patient enough to wait for the cure, you are worthy of this mighty cure; therefore, you will be able to rid yourself of this abominable disease and rival me in this contest. When fighting glossophobia, there are few pointers to keep you on the winning side. First is notice you audience. If they are not paying attention, then you are doing a horrible job. On the contrary, if your audience is paying attention, then it is because you’re shaking too much out of fear and they are A.D.D. You are still doing terrible. In both scenarios, you are doing terrible and you will lose to glossophobia. So my tip is simple, don’t pay attention to your audience. You can’t get good signs from them. Take this case for example: I am terrified I may be messing up this speech, yet every time I look at Mr. Davies, he gives me no indication of how I am doing. I’m terrified Czar Davies III will send his guards after me to be executed!
Now I may have lost another person’s attention, leaving me with just Mr. Davies. Mr. Davies, my cure to glossophobia is simple, give up! The alternative treatment to glossophobia was presented by the masters of public speaking, the Greeks. The Greeks recovered from glossophobia by speaking confidently and openly to your audience. However this is an outdated method. There’s a cheap, modern treatment. That is slander and what’s a nicer way to say bull crap? I’ll leave you to figure that one out. Until then rely on the Greek method to cure the body and the mind and the soul.