Becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable

Becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable has been my life experience in the past months. I got quiet. I stopped writing. This tends to happen when I am in an intense inner process and/or my life is full to the top with powerful, beautiful experiences, one unfolding after another. It has been the time of my inner winter, all attention within. The time to expand my capacity to stay in movement (as opposed to freezing as protection), reminding myself to deepen my breath through all the feelings and emotions, to cultivate inner softness and thus be able to welcome triggers to arise, to be felt, to move through me, to stretch me.

I was already in crisis before the crisis became an undeniable reality for all. Such precious time, suspended in between seasons, triggering in me waves of ancient sadness, grief, depression, loneliness, fears... There was no point in understanding their origin. They were personal and yet impersonal, trans-generational, cultural, karmic, collective... The fact that these feelings kept arriving, in unpredictable waves, suggested having reached still hidden spaces within, into deeper shadow, giving a possibility for the information in those spaces to be welcomed, recognized, felt, brought up to the surface to be released. I must have felt safe, for feeling safe is truly what allows those deep vulnerabilities to be revealed.

How does each one define safety after all? What does one need to feel safe?

I believe many of us are faced with similar questions now. To me, it has become a choice. To choose inner safety, in every moment. With my inner eye, with my breath, to look for that anchor inside, that inner unconditional support, strong presence I can lean into. That knowing, transcending the details of a given situation, seeing a bigger picture of life, feeling the all-underlying unshakable stillness. I am not always there, but I know there is a choice.

It is the time of review and reset. What matters to us? What do we value? Personally, I have been stretched out of my comfort again and again, pushed to question everything I am, I think, I do, I believe in. Imagine feeling like you’re losing the ground beneath your feet, losing any point of reference. And the only way is to unlearn, let go of what I was certain about, and step into a child’s openness and curiosity, asking the guidance to arise from within, asking my feelings to guide me in every moment. Creating as I move. And as I move, even in confusion, in not knowing, how much can I still choose kindness, still choose unconditional goodness?

Becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable. Becoming comfortable with simply becoming.

My life is my becoming. There seems to be no final destination. In each moment I am becoming. In each moment, something dies, and I am renewed again. And it is a great struggle for the mind to integrate it. To keep coming to the joy of simply becoming.

Surprisingly (or not?), the pandemic helped. Suddenly all the distractions evaporated. I can feel greater focus, clarity of mind, I feel the power to finally do the things I might have been fearful of in the past, I’ve been postponing. Suddenly, connected to the collective struggle for survival, to the potential of death, I am brought completely into the Now, and there I find great joy. The joy of simply being, the preciousness of each moment. So what’s the point in postponing the celebration of life, the celebration of myself, of nature, of my loved ones? The best I want to be in every day (and sometimes the “best” looks like crying on my bed).

Death is truly there all the time. Together with change, it is the most certain thing for every human being (at least that is something that undeniably unites us!). How liberating to acknowledge death as the agent of life, as the gift of transformation.

The crisis we’re in offers a possibility to question all within and without. Do we really have a choice? Or rather, we are pushed by external forces to finally slow down, be quite, to feel, to question,to re-discover the meaning of human connection. There is a chance for many to finally give up the illusion of control, to stop trying to control something that is not in our control. To surrender and take responsibility for the life we have created. To be grateful. For the smallest things, for the smile, for my connections, for the sun, for the love that’s growing inside. And to support. We all have a chance now to expand our capacity to be there for the others. Supporting others lifts us up and improves our well-being. What a beautiful time to be living in!