15/10-17
Using same old failed techniques of attention. Manipulation and attempts at persuasion leave me feeling empty. Desperately trying to fill this void in me called loneliness, I don't know how to be in it.
I haven't figured out how to let go of the past and trust that the universe will bring me only what I need.
I am not satisfied with that, I want it all! This selfish greedy child in me has gotten spoiled with care and attention, and resists the change that comes when she realizes the world is not a comfy place. No, the world is ruthless and nothing is guaranteed, yet I feel pity for myself and this victim cloak I wear is so hard to get rid off.
It hurts, I don't want it anymore!
I've outgrown it and worn it out.
I feel claustrophobic in the life I've build for myself, I can do better.
With great insight comes great responsibility and looking at your shadows is never easy.
I want relief, but I need to feel this one first. I need to feel the stank of my own breath one more time; take a real good sniff so I can remember ahead on the road where I don't want to return.
It's not the loneliness that bugs me, it's the parasite. The parasite that consumes and asks for more, the parasite that does not generate life of it's own, but lives off others energy.
Such a bittersweet lesson.
Oh life, I respect you; I feel humbled by the mirrors you put out in front of me. Such a relentless and unconditional teacher.
Thank you.
Ps: I do generate life of my own, I generated this. ❤️