The Kobayashi Method

I recently wrote two posts about what, in my opinion, are the pinnacle of competitive eating events: Kobayashi vs The Beast, and Kobayashi vs Bogart. If you didn't know, Takeru Kobayashi is the world's greatest eater, holding over a dozen world records in "eating a bunch of stuff really fast". Well, I'm all aboard the competitive eating train, and I decided to take a shot at being a world-class eater.

I took 25 hot dogs, put 'em on a plate, and went to town. Not smart! Throwing up whole hot dogs is something I wish to never experience again (and don't get me started on the day after...). My wife, constantly shaking her head in a mixture of disbelief and grim mirth, had to take me to the hospital to get my stomach pumped. The doctors told me I'm the 5th person this month to have this happen. Seems my Kobayashi coverage has been inspiring to a lot of people.

Well it turns out that to be able to eat like my boy Kobayashi, I should have done a bit of research on how HE eats. In fact, his eating technique has been published online for all to see and study. Kobayashi's training involves:

1. Eating increasingly larger amounts of food to expand his stomach.

2. Working out so stomach fat does not build up in his newly enlarged tummy, which would hinder his competitive edge.

3. Doing the "Kobayashi Shake", a wiggle which helps him slide food down his esophagus at lightning speed.

4. Being able to unhinge his jaw (like a snake) to fit more food into his gaping maw.

5. Kobayashi dips his hot dogs (and other foods) in water to make them softer and easier to ingest.

Time for 2 Truths and a Lie: the game where I tell you three things about Kobayashi and you tell me which is a lie:

1. Kobayashi once ate 62 slices of pizza in just 12 minutes.

2. Kobayashi once ate a whole water buffalo alive in 27 minutes.

3. Kobayashi once at 57 cow brains in 15 minutes.

Which is not true? 1, 2, or 3? First to answer correctly wins a fabulous prize (100 SPORTS)!

Pictured above: how happy you could be if you win!

Clearly, Kobayashi (colloquially known as "The Void") has honed his body into a competitive eating machine. I think I may just leave the eating challenges to the pros and enjoy it from the safety of my couch.

Disclaimer: Do Not Attempt At Home

Sources: Wikipedia, Pixabay, kobayashitakeru.com, laweekly