"Sometimes when you are drunk you write better."

Buddha Ice Mold Tray Credit

I suppose I should be cordial and introduce myself. When I say cordial I am referring mostly to the aromatic alcoholic liquor emanating from my breath, then I am to a warm heartfelt introduction.
 
 

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I'm Fat-Like-Buddha, aka James. I am a avid drink concoctionist (a drunk some might say), a self-taught food scientist (I like to eat, don't you?), and a Professional Female Leg Inspector (Dump Truck Driver, the view from the cab of a Peterbilt is phantasmagorical sometimes for those who might not know).
 
 

 
 
Some degrees I hold are in Vulgarity (notice: fucks, shits, and tits may find their way into my writings at times), Ingenuous (there is no sugar coated frilly shit here) and Veracity (sometimes brutal).
 
 

You see I tried to be a model, but apparently, model agencies have no use for short and stout ...
 
 

 
 
When that didn't work, I decided to go to college ...
 
 

 
 
but when the liberal professors tried to push their liberal agenda down my throat, I said fuck it and packed up my books.
 
 
I jumped into a truck and started driving a truck for a living. It has been 15 years and I can tell you after 15 years of solitary driving you come up with some crazy, funny, wild shit in your own mind.

 
 

But none of this important. What is important is how I ended up here on Steemit and what I want to share in this post.

 
 
You see, I have been lurking in the shadows for a few weeks trying to decide if I want to take some of my bitcoins and take the plunge into Steem, and prepping myself for this big debut. I have never read so many "how to write better" type posts spewing the same regurgitated shit post after post than I have the past few weeks. Don't misunderstand me, there was some pretty helpful ideas and suggestions among all the gibberish, a few diamonds in the rough that seem to go unnoticed you could say.
 
 
But no one had the formula simplified, or gave you the​ secret Harry Fucking Potter Wand to magically wave a post to success, oh wait, shit I almost forgot about the @whales. But nevermind, this isn't really about them.
 
 
So I know what I needed to do for everyone, myself included. I needed to take all the crap out from those over bloated shit posts and simplify the magical yummilicous recipe is for a successful post. It's so mind-numbingly simple anyone can do it.
 
 

So here are the leftovers after extracting all the unnecessary crap ...

 
 

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Fat-Like-Buddha's Secret Recipe to Success​ on #Steemit

 
 

• 50% - Create High-Quality/Unique/Creative/Funny content ( this seems to be a hit or miss on the big payouts, perspective is a bitch sometimes so deal with it, so it gets 50%)

• 40% - A metric fuck ton of Luck (this includes things such as: posting at the right time of day, getting the right voters to see and read your post, getting the right people to actually enjoy what you posted (perspective)etc.)

• 10% - Get whale and dolphin votes - no way around this currently, but I see this getting diluted over time, so hang in there champ (I will be hanging right there with you)​. Creating posts worthy of reading might get readers to hit the follow button. And when you finally create something "they" feel worthy you might get some upvote love.
   
   
  As you can see the recipe is quite simple. I know we all believe that every post we submit deserves more than it probably has or will receive, but the recipe shows every post has a 50/50 chance of succeeding. Sometimes we just create posts that reek of failure as much as an unbathed labradoodle​ who just got done rolling around in ​its own shit.
   
   
  So what can you do? Keep creating top quality posts at your highest ability. It really is that simple. Spamming useless posts of garbage will end up in the great void of eternal shit.
   
   

but .........

 
 
If that simple recipe above doesn't work for you ... I have one last recipe for you to try ...
 
 

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Introducing the "Fat Like Buddha Concoction"

Guaranteed to make you forget about failed posts by morning.​
 
 

What you will need to make a Fat Like Buddha ...

Drink created by Brian Miller
 
 

• 3/4 ounce of Dubonnet Rouge
• 2 ounces of aged rum (Flor De Cana or other aged Rum)
• 1/4 ounce of Benedictine
• 1/4 ounce Cointreau
• 1 orange twist
   
   

How to make a Fat Like Buddha...

 
 

• Place all the above ingredients into a mixing glass minus​ the orange twist.
• Fill the remainder of the glass with ice.
• Stir well, then strain into your drinking glass of choice. (affiliate)​
• Garnish with an orange twist for aesthetics.
   
   
  You should be ready to try posting again in the morning ... if not, you didn't drink enough of the above recipe. Repeat as necessary​ until success is achieved.
   
   
  
   
   

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If you enjoyed this post please Follow Fat-Like-Buddha also toss me an upvote, I owe people money :)

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I drink because I eat, and I eat because I drink."

Thanks for reading!

Fat-Like-Buddha (James)

Freelance writer - Bringing food and drink ideas to your mouth through story telling and fun creative posting.